The paycheck containing all my overtime hits the bank on Friday. Unfortunately, I owe the State of New Jersey $1000. Why do I owe everyone money lately?

I also bought a bunch of skirts online, as a 27th birthday present to myself, most of which I will wind up returning in my quest to find a gray skirt. I hate the skirt styles this year. What’s with the wide elastic waist bands? They don’t even look good on models.

This is all very exciting.

Work is busy. The office move is actually finally happening on Friday. I had such grand delusions of organizing everything before the move, and color coding my files and I don’t even remember what else. Today I swept large unorganized stacks of things into boxes. Unpacking on Monday will be fun!

I’m going to be 27 on Saturday. TWENTY SEVEN. I am not pleased about this.

I saw Just-In-Case at the dreaded Wednesday meeting. He talked a lot and I was reminded why I have put no effort into “running into him” other than that one time. He is very cute (and seems pretty nice) but I could probably not stand to hang out with him one on one. Why is it that a Facebook comment from a Canadian Libertarian who I will never meet makes me smile way more than politely engaging in small talk IN PERSON with Just-In-Case?

I have absolutely no plans for the weekend other than going to the gym and perhaps working on KSAs.

My habit of reading PF blogs is making me kind of obsessive about my own finances. I’ve been fairly aggressive with saving the past 6 months (even with my clothing expenditures) but no matter how much I save, I worry it is still not enough of a cushion to move to DC on. (Not that I’ll move until I have a job, but my expenses will increase DRAMATICALLY). Right now, I am focusing on a fund that is specifically for moving related expenses.  I am keeping it completely separate from my emergency fund, which is in a local savings account and I cannot take money out of it without physically walking into one of the locations. I figure that keeps it pretty safe, and even more well guarded when/if I move to DC.

And of course, I’m still debating the Roth IRA thing, and if I want to get REALLY neurotic I can say “well the time I am wasting considering an IRA is time that my contributions could be growing.” I did one of those retirement calculators on my 401(k) plan and it is all like IF THE MARKET PERFORMS BADLY YOU WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH. So maybe I should just part with some of my hoarded savings and open a Roth IRA?

I should just ask my dad for advice. He is the most sensible person about these things.

Also, daylight savings time this weekend, so we lose an hour. First of all, fuck George Bush, because daylight savings time is EARLIER than it used to be (it is entirely possible that it did used to be at this time and then it got moved back for whatever reason, but I don’t feel like looking it up). Secondly, daylight savings is a GIANT scam. Finally, because we turn our clocks ahead now, and UK doesn’t for another two weeks (THANKS A LOT BUSH) it makes things very confusing at work, and really, logistically speaking it makes NO SENSE that the UK be just 4 hours ahead of us.

Insert requisite comments from my physics/philosophy friends about how time doesn’t really exist. And with that, it’s the weekend.

I drink a cup of coffee, and then pick up another on my way to a therapy appointment, even though that’s all I have to do today. Half of a large iced coffee remains on the table next to me. My hands are a little shaky from too much caffeine and not enough to eat. Pause to eat half a sandwich. Better now.

My neck and shoulders are cramped and sore from too many hours hunched over at a desk or laptop. I am grateful for the relief of the weekend (I spent nine hours on Friday formatting contracts) but impatient with the way it interrupts the job search – there are no new job postings on the weekend.

My therapist gently bridged the subject that eventually, I’m going to have to date again. I brushed that off, saying I’m not interested in dating now, and what’s the point of it, given that I’m trying to move to DC sooner rather than later.

His point, of course, was that I’m not going to meet any boys spending my time as I’ve been spending it. Abstractly, he’s right. Day to day, I’m not interested in doing that, not now. My desire to go on polite dates is in the range of zero to negative 10.

I have an application to craft, for THE organization I want to work for. The chances of me getting so much as an email rejection are practically non-existent. But, as with every application I submit, even to the less than perfect jobs, I can’t help the wishful thinking. I can’t help but start to do the mental financial planning on how I would survive in DC on about half of what I’m making right now.

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve been on a date (or even done some making out. There is a definite lack of making out in my life) and I don’t see that changing in the near future. And I’ve only been at the search for a career change for a few weeks, really. It’s far too early to get frustrated because I haven’t submitted enough applications to be a contender in the number games.

Besides, all my personal experience shows that job offers, like boys you want to make out with, come along when you are least expecting it, when you’re at the rock bottom of frustrations and shattered expectations, and when you can’t picture how things are ever going to go right.

That’s when you get the phone call. That’s when you realize he’s deliberately sitting closer to you than he needs to.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/01/23/woods-and-clearings/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/06/05/one-of-those-state-of-the-rachel-entries/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/06/05/one-of-those-state-of-the-rachel-entries/#comments Fri, 05 Jun 2009 20:31:00 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=3677 This morning’s entry reminded me about my sorry lack of journaling lately. I do have a small notebook that I carry around and record bullet points of the day. It’s easier than having to find the time to sit down and write paragraphs and string together ideas.

I’ve mentioned before that I have trouble committing myself to mussing over my thoughts and emotions and ideas. It forces me to dwell and for the past eighteen months or so, dwelling has been dangerous. It is only in hindsight, as I see my number of entries dwindle, that I realize just how reluctant I have been to face my mind in a metaphorical mirror.

In the past eighteen months I have done some of the stupidest, most self-destructive, most cringeworthy things that I have ever done in my life. Anytime there has been the potential for joy I have ensured that it ends in failure. The exception to this has been my current job, which I still love and has kept me going many a days.

Even as I write this I’m skirting all details.

I do believe that the difficult place I’m in right now is very educational. Being stuck where I am – and really stuck this time, not like before when I didn’t even realize the way in which my dangerous level of freedom kept tripping me up – is what has forced me to change what I’d been doing – really change.

When someone asks me how I’m doing, I generally reply “Surprisingly good, considering.”

I am surprisingly good, in spite of the fact that I spend more hours stressing/worrying/figuring out rides to and from work that I spend doing actual work (well only lately because work has been slow) and still have little to no social life. Because for the first time in I don’t know how long I can soberly say that I think it will be okay.

What do I do?

Well, I figure out rides on week at a time and my parents help me out more than I would like to require, leading to lots of guilt, but I take that as it comes. I spend a lot of time biting the insides of my lips. Sometimes I am proud of myself for the way I am handling things, and sometimes I wonder how the hell I’m going to do this for six more months.

Sometimes I’m a little bit social, although lately not as much as I should, because its gotten to easy to skip out on meetings again.

I talk to Keith a lot about absurd things, and I email with friends from far away. I talk to David and the other libertarian friends.

My concentration hasn’t yet returned to its highest levels, but I’m bringing it back with history vocabulary lists and writing notes I took on books long forgotten.

I watch too much TV. On Saturdays I usually sleep all afternoon. I eat too much ice cream.

Sometimes I miss at this time last year (when I was trying to get Ohio to fall for me from a distance, and scheming about the trip to Chicago with OLB) and sometimes I miss at this time, five years ago. Most of the time, I can’t imagine anything further then one week in the future.

I don’t make enough phone calls and I couldn’t go to the wedding of one of my only friends from college and I still cringe at some of the amends I have to make and tuck them away far, far away in the back of my mind. I wouldn’t say I bury anything, but the ADD I’ve developed is a blessed affliction most of the time – it doesn’t allow for obsession or much thought at all, really.

I think I should write more, because I think I might want to look back on this one day, of what I did to get where I’m going to be by then. I don’t have a record of most of the last 18 months. Blessed are the forgetful, but it is my intentional refusal to remember that has gotten me in so much trouble.

It’s a great day to be an introvert (rainy and gray and a Friday) and I should go tonight, but I’m betting I probably won’t, because there’s always next week, even though that’s what I’ve said for several weeks.

I don’t have a way to end this, but an inability to put together a clear beginning, middle, and end is what has kept me from writing, and I should stop letting them stop me.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/06/05/one-of-those-state-of-the-rachel-entries/feed/ 0 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/02/26/i-never-post-here-anymore/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/02/26/i-never-post-here-anymore/#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:43:00 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=4137 Edited: This was originally posted on LJ. Context!

It has always kind of annoyed me when people I LJ-stalk (you know, people who aren’t on my friends list, and yet I know of their live journal and so I read it) would just cease posting (or perhaps they went friends-only and I’m just missing out) and I didn’t quite get how someone could just abandon a space in which they used to write so often.

I think I get it now. I mean, most days it doesn’t even occur to me to come here and write some drivel about my day. I still read my friends page, but I haven’t added anyone new in probably 2 years? 

Anyway, as of this February I have been on livejournal for six years. Six years of my life are on the internet. That’s a little scary, a little weird, etc, etc I’m not going to bore you with yet another one of my long, self-reflective, what-has-changed-since-then posts.

So I guess I’m just checking in. Work is good, even great at time. The Writer is kind of unremarkable. My room is a mess and I’m thinking about how I really should take out all those bags of paper recycling. I broke my laptop. If I continue this list I’ll start to obsess, and get anxiety ridden. And really, I prefer to just not think about these things. Avoidance, perhaps, but it makes the day more pleasant.

And this entry is just what I have previously referred to as “gloss and veneer.” And so I guess that’s why I haven’t been writing much lately. I’ll check back when I have something better to say.

-I drunk dialed O-L-B to yell at him, for something vague involving photos

-I talked to Ohio, a good conversation

-I made out with Peace, who is a conservative Muslim and had never kissed a girl. He is 31. He gave as good as he got, which was followed by a freak out on his part about how he can’t do this. And then we made out some more on the subway, and in the Strand, and then he drove me home, and had another freak out, in which he told me how wonderful and awesome I am, but we come from two different worlds and he can’t do this, because it goes against everything he believes in. Me, being me, was drunk of course. I cried. Even though I basically knew this would happen. I am definitely going to Hell.

-I went to DC, stood out in the cold for many, many hours, and saw Obama get inaugurated. The mood in DC was very happy and joyous and I had a lot of fun

-I got very sick from standing out in the cold and slept a lot.

-The relapse exploded. The parents are now aware. Probably for the better since, um, I need help, clearly, but still not a conversation that was fun to have.

-O-L-B has a girlfriend and talks about her constantly on the Message Board of Note

-I finally admitted how angry/upset/whatever I am over O-L-B, because all my months of repressing it and pretending that I was okay, because I thought I was supposed to be okay, did me absolutely no good. Never doing that again.

-So now, I’m basically wallowing, eating chocolate (which I don’t even LIKE!) and listening to “The Heart Remains a Child” a lot.
-
I woke up anxiety ridden because O-L-B and The Ex managed to weave their way into my dream

-I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning lately. I don’t know what that’s about.

I am actually in fairly good spirits, a combination of still being high off the recent work awesomeness, caffeine, and the fact that I could write a fairly sappy post to comemorate the fact that this year, while filled with less tangible “good things’ than 2007, was actually a much better year because of the people I have in it.

Run on sentence much?

So because I did not say it on Thanksgiving, this year, I am thankful once again for the immense amount of love in my life.

Tonight, I plan on watching Love, Actually”, eating good food, and talking to Peace. I’m hanging out with him on Saturday, which should be nice. Yes, I know, I need to stop hanging out with so many guys and find more girlfriends, but I’m probably seeing Lex on Friday so…baby steps.

I’m impatient. I want my answers and solutions, like, yesterday. I try to remind myself to live in the day and the day goes by pretty fast once it hits 11:00ish or so.

With school, and work, I think I’m the good kind of busy, but I suspect it’s also the lonely type of busy. And I’ll wind up burned out and depressed. He asked me the question I dread “What do you do for fun.”

I gave him the honest answer “I don’t remember.”

I related how Lear is basically my social life, and David doesn’t think it’s sad, he thinks it’s a good sign of building healthy relationships, given that I have not done too well in that department.  He also offered t ocome hang out in the City with me sometimes. “Looking out for a friend,” he called it, and as much as I loathe to admit it, I like that someone is looking out for me.

Some general things:

1) The temp job is pretty good. My supervisor is nice.

2) Annoyances: My login for the temp agency website won’t work, so I can’t enter my hours, so my paycheck is going to be late this week….GRRR. I don’t need the money right away, but it’s still annoying, because I’m doing to have to call a bunch of people today to get it solved.

3) Speaking of calling people; I have done things at my job that paralyzed me with fear at my old job. Such as MAKING PHONE CALLS. And sending out multiple emails asking questions/making requests of people, without sweating every word and freaking out and taking an hour to write/send a simple email.

4) Annoyance: I have to call my insurance company about multiple things today. Yeah. My ER bill finally showed up in full. Ug, I just want to pay the whole thing off and have it disappear. I can’t right now, because I don’t have enough money in my account, especially because I have to pay for the paralegal classes I signed up for.

5) I refuse to let myself get too stressed or panicked over this job. I just can’t let it. This is not going to turn into what The-Job-That-Wasn’t was like. No matter what happens, it cannot be as bad as that.

6) I am going to DC on Friday. I am looking forward to it.

7) I still get pangs where I miss things pre-Chicago-trip, but mostly, I’m okay. Mostly.

8. Annoyance: I still haven’t figured out what’s going on with my stupid security deposit from the apartment. Also, I either need to sell the remainder of my NYSC membership, or force them to transfer my home gym to Jersey, which they are making difficult to do, etc.

9) I’m not sure. I didn’t want to end on a negative note, because it was a good past week. But I’m tired this morning, and the day in front of me seems very long.

10) “I will get through this day. I will get through this day. I will get through this day.”

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Friday, I met up with Michael. Michael had been staying with his boyfriend, but had broken up with him that morning. So we took a long walk through the East Village/Alphabet City, SoHo, etc. Michael suggested we stop & just chill out out in the cafe at the Whole Foods on E. Bway, and I was all snobby, like “Your’e going to come to New York and hang out in a whole foods?!?!” He was amused, laughed, and said “There’s the Rachel I know & love.” Once again, ti’s good to feel like myself again.

We walked some more and wound up at a cafe somewhere off 7th Ave on Bank Street. It was very good to catch up with Michael. He vented about his situation with his boyfriend and how he didn’t want to end things, but he couldn’t see things changing.

“Sometimes doing the right thing feels awful, but it’s better than doing the wrong thing” Those are the words Brent told me after I “ended’ things with HWSNBN, omg, back in the summer of 2004, FOUR YEARS AGO OMG I AM SO OLD.

We also talked about what I’d been venting about to Jim – how you shouldn’t have to work to get some one to like you. Relationships of all kinds take work. YOu do your best and they do their best, presumably. And if they’re not, you get the hell out.

Even though OLB was a repeat of my MO, at least I got out after 4 months instead of letting it drag — and even 4 months was pushing it.

Anyway, I saw Michael off to Port Authority — he just wanted to get home. That night, I wathced firework from the roof. Before the big Macy’s show you could see fireworks from other, smaller shows (Southport, Bronx, etc) plenty of do-it-yourself ones from nearby. I chatted with the guys on the neighboring roof, yay for meeting neighbors!

Late-late Friday night, i got a VERY interesting voicemail from HWSNBN. And then he drunk dialed me again and um…that was…interesting. He was trashed and I totally played that for all it was worth, basically taunting him with the fact that he could have had me anytime he wanted and he totally blew it. Anyway, I take the whole thing as a grain of salt, but still so entertaining. I still don’t quite get why now, since we broke up 4 years ago, but whatever, I’m not offended.

The past 10 days went something like this:

Friday: Somewhat stupid decision to see HWSNBN when he texted me. Oops
Saturday: Sick. Psycho-somatic? Ha!
Sunday: Sleeping, late lunch with the Astoria girls
Monday: I forget what I did Monday.
Tuesday: Wrote out the full week’s calendar, woo-hoo. Watched the election stuff
Wednesday: Bob Barr!
Thursday: Finished important writing project. Bought a dress.
Friday: Presented important project. Received lots of praise. Walked on a cloud for the afternoon. Texted extensively with Ohio. Also interesting email from OLB. (When it rains it pours, and I will still never understand boys.) Then proceeded to do something stupid.
Saturday: Talked to Jill-IAN. Caught up. Assessed. Analyzed.
Saturday night/Sunday: Tried not to pass out from the heat in my apartment, drank lots of Gatorade, sweat
Monday: Supremely icky news from insurance company. Spent most of the day on the phone with them
Tuesday: More insurance drama. Mostly solved now, but will not have final answers until the end of the week and will be a ball of anxiety until then. Also, residual angst from Friday.

Some things coming up in the next 10 days, and lots of random plans/ideas and things on my mind.

I should probably make up a glossary for all the monikers. Ha.

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Last week wasn’t all doom and gloom as one may have judged from Thursday’s entry. A Libertarian friend was in town on Wednesday night, so the New York contingent took him out. Although that led to what I guess qualified as a fight with O-L-B. Which I think is ok now.

Saturday I scored Billy Joel tickets, which brings me way more joy than it possibly should, because there are few things on earth that make me more joyful than Billy Joel live.

Sunday was Xina’s engagement party (and I will write more on this later) and other good things.

So this is just the public version, in which I check in, and vow to have something more interesting to say soon.

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