I didn’t stop for coffee this morning and therefore did not realize that I did not have my wallet until I got to work. Grrr. Not only do I desperately need caffeine, but it’s also annoying to not have my wallet – I’m going to have to borrow a couple dollars for lunch, because I don’t have food here.

I think I am buying my car this weekend. I will be glad to get it over with. Initially, I wasn’t going to buy until early May, but my hand was sort of forced to do so early. I am okay with that now – I think I am okay money wise, even with needed a new laptop. I think, anyway. I am not very good at budgeting.

I talked to Sarah, a girl I went to grad school with, briefly yesterday afternoon. I was telling her about my essay and bashing our preceptor. She still works at UChicago, so she is literally right down the hall from him, which is weird. The year at UChicago still feels like a dream to me at times.

Anyway, this is yet another entry that I’m writing, where I really have nothing to say, but I hope that by forcing myself into regular blogging, the brilliance will come back to me. If I ever had it to begin with.

I logged into my UChicago webmail account today, because I got a warning email saying I lose it in December. I want to go through and forward anything I might want to save from there.

Scrolling through my in-box just made me cringe and brought back all the uncomfortable feelings of being in grad school. I can’t put words to them exactly, but it was not a pleasant feeling. I could only get through a couple pages on the inbox before I had to sign out.

The whole thing still feels like a dream. Not a nightmare exactly, not even a really bad dream, just a really, really weird dream, where you wake up, and you think you’re pretty glad that none of that is actually your reality, because it just doesn’t feel right.

I am so unnecessarily bitchy and angsty right now. I hate Chicago. I grew up in suburbia and spent a year in NYC, but I am annoyed by my comparatively “street smart” skills. I’ve always been told I look pissed off all the time; just my normal facial expression, and that that’s why I never get heckled. But I’m sick of living in a neighborhood where I can get mugged or assaulted by a 16 year old. If I’m paying this much rent, I don’t want this type of neighborhood.

I hate this apartment; it’s a rip-off, and its directly over the trashroom so by the time its pick-up day the smell permeates, and it faces a giant Soviet style apartment complex that is full of sketchy tenants who are loud at night.

I hate what Uchicago has done to me. 9 months ago I was happy. I wouldn’t qualify myself as unhappy right now, but I’m all angsty and unsure about the future and that nonsense, and its like WTF was the point of an MA program, when all its done is left me  behind my peer group in terms of job experience?

The title of this post is literal, but also based on a song lyric, which reminds me of being 12 years old, being in a car driving up Dogwood Drive of a Saturday afternoon in February, coming home from Skater’s World. My memory scares me.

But anyway, the snow is melting, the sky is blue, and since I’ve been in a “I-don’t-hate-UChicago” mood lately, I’m taking some pictures,because really, the campus is very pretty.

Ten pages on the thesis. Three pages (of utter nonsense, but still pages) on both the final papers. If I rally this weekend, and get a lot done, I should be in good shape. But that is a big “if” because I am the worst grad student ever.

Life feels very, very, very good right now.

Last night was the MAPSS dinner. They sat us by precept group. I got to talk to my precepter a lot. Last quarter I was very anti-him, but I have, as I mentioned, done a total 180, and he is awesome, and I am so lucky to be in this group.

We made toasts. We bonded. We did a little bit of sharing TMI. (I told the “how I got into political theory because of a boy” story.)

Sarah, who is apparently right about everything, joined our table later on in the evening. She has predicted that I’m going to get a PhD, wind up in academia, etc based on the way I talk about things. (She also predicted the conclusions of this weekend. Cough) That would solve the problem about what the hell I’m going to do with my life, but we’ll see. No Plan. Did you know political theorists are being phased out? And only about 6% of jobs in political science go to theorists, and most of those are for nonsense like “Logic” and “Game Theory.”

We went to the pub afterwards and I had good-good conversations with people I hadn’t talked to much before. I talked to one girl about NYC and how we both want to move back there, etc. I talked to a girl in my building about how we stop working at 10 PM (we live in the stupid central time zone, shut up) to watch the Daily Show.

Life is bizarre and good, and awesome. I will still say in a heartbeat that I miss New York, and I miss Astoria, and I miss the life I had there. And I still want to be done with this program and have some certainty about what the hell I’m doing next year. But, since I’ve been told I need to learn how to live in the present and not worry so much about the future, I’m going to really try to just enjoy this, for this.

Grad school really is a freaking roller coaster. My good mood and positive attitude lasted approximately 16 hours. Now I am anxious over something I screwed up for work (the dread of waiting for your boss to come talk to you about what you wrong. In this case, the dread is going to last until 4 PM tomorrow when I next see him). I am also back to stressing out about empirical/statistical methods courses to the point of nausea.

I WANT  to be able to get into a PhD program. If I don’t get in where I want, am I going to regret not taking this stupid class that was recommended to me? Is it going to be one of my big “if onlys?” I’m trying to put this is perspective, but I’m having a difficult time, because being at U Chicago is like having blinders on. At U Chicago, they think they are The Authority on everything, and so whenever ANYONE in a position of authority tells you anything, you think you have to take them on their word, regardless of what you may think/feel.

(It’s funny. One of my “issues” is I have a lot of defense mechanisms that are often unhealthy. U Chicago has massive defense mechanisms issues, because outside of academia, people forget about U Chicago because it’s not among the Ivies. U Chicago is an amazing institution, and the name carries a lot of respect in academic/law school circles, but not to the general public. U Chicago thus overcompensates by proclaiming to by the Final Word on everything. I mean, I’m sure all schools do that to an extent, but Chicago is ridiculous about it.)

Maybe I should just lower my standards and accept the fact that no matter what I do I will not get into my Super-Secret-Dream-School. But then, what if getting some empirical methods experience is the deciding factor in considering me there, and blah.

And now it sounds like I’m basically whining because I don’t want to take a class because it’s hard and it’s boring and whatever. I mean, I know I’m going to have to do these things within a PhD program eventually. Maybe I should just suck it up on the Comparative Politics front.

Maybe I should just not take the class I think I need for my thesis; maybe I don’t really need a whole class on The Prince in order to incorporate Machiavelli into my thesis. And then I can take Florentine Republic next quarter anyway. Maybe.

Ug. I need to talk to someone who is not my precept about this and get a second opinion.

I’ve gotten to talk briefly with both Laura and Sebastian this week; so good to catch up with the Original Misanthropes. Both of them are applying to UChicago at some point (Sebastian this year) so I’ve been dispensing advice on that front, and since Sebastian will obviously get in here, he’ll probably be visiting in April, yay! Sebastian is the one of the smartest people I know and very awesome; he entered Skidmore on a full scholarship demanding he be pre-med. Then he met Political-Theory-Professor, joined our drunken reading group, and got a government major in addition to the pre-med thing. Now he’s ditching med school for the ivory tower and I cannot image a better future colleague.

I remember how to do stats-math. You know, I don’t think I’m a total idiot in math. I think having BAD teachers 6th and 7th grade combined with my general disinterest meant I never got into the subject, never paid attention, and never tried. But I’m looking over the curriculum for quantative methods and I don’t know what my advisor meant when he said I needed a calculus background. This stuff is straight out of senior year sped math. I’m assuming you COULD use calculus formulas/methods that I’m not aware of to solve some of these problems, but I’ve been getting the right answers on the practice tests so I’m obviously doing something right.

I can be pretty arrogant about my own intelligence (defense mechanism much?) but on the other hand, it is weird realizing I may not be as stupid as I thought.

And my final paper topic got approved in my Schmitt class, so I am 1/3 of the way towards having my thesis topic approved. Or maybe 1/4. I can’t decide.

The amount of coffee I have consumed in the past 48 hours is disturbing. I was up until 2 AM the past two nights just thinking about academic nonsense.

Michael gets here in a week, and than I will have some sanity.

So I survived Midterms, and I survived them well. And then I had to catch-up on all the readings I didn’t do when I was writing my mid-term. And now it’s time to write some final paper proposals and um, figure out my thesis.

Because if I want to be one of the masochistic 10% that graduates in June, my thesis needs to be in on April 13th.

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Today was a much better day, class wise. Wednesday did not go well. I’m not going to go into an in depth explanation, because no one who is not in academia will get it, and it’s really boring.  Regardless; today was much better. I spoke up in my Schmitt class and it was relevant. I am still concerned about my methods class because of the dynamic of the people in it.

My schedule, as if you care, just to give some semblence to what I’m talking about this quarter. (and the quarter system is scary. 10 weeks, no time to slack off or screw up. This is it. This is my life.)

Perspectives in Social Science – the one required course for my program which all 130 of us take. The lecture session has thus far been eh. I have my discussion session tomorrow. I am very, very lucky to have a good precept (advisors, broken down by specialization) because it may make my discussions session decent, even though the topics in survey courses are never that great.

Interpretive Methods in Political Science – fulfulls my “methods requirement.” This class is kicking my ass in the sense that I am intimidated. There are lots of arrogant guys. There is even one arrogant guy who has groupies (other guys, not girls) Given my past record, you’d think I’d be swooning, but none of them are my type. I wish I had a stronger background in political theory, wish I decided on it as a focus earlier, but in reality, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. The government department had a comparative politics bend; I took every available political theory course except for Contemporary Political Thought. Maybe I should have taken more philosophy courses for strictly methodology purposes but…I have no regrets about my undergraduate career, no matter how dumb I feel in this class. I know I’m smart enough to catch up, it’s just going to take a lot of work. Until around April of 2004 I thought I was going to go to law school after college, possible get my MA in International Relations while I was at it, and somewhere in there, it occurred to me that that was not what I wanted to do. It was an intellectual crises of a sorts; I ditched a very prestigious, well paid internship in DC to come home to Jersey and make lattes for a summer because I Did. Not. Want. To. Be. In. DC. And I’ll never be in DC. That is not me. I am not a politician. I am not a would be lobbyist. Part of what my reading for Methods has tackled is the possible divide between theoretical and problem driven research, and the growing irrelevancy of academia – a sobering read for anyone contemplating a career as a professional political theorist. I recognize my future; if I pursue a PhD after this I will spend many years without income. If I do my PhD at Uchicago, I will be the dreaded “ABD” for ages. And once I get that title, I will enter the “publish or perish” world. I’ll have to write something worthy of being published that will be read by 3 or 4 people.

But if I do all that, I’ll get to teach. And that’s what I want to do. It started as a fragment of an idea back in freshman year of college. “…is it crazy…,” I asked Brent “…that I’m thinking I might want to teach…”

Okay, that was an unexpected tangent. Anyway. My third class:

Carl Schmitt on the Law and the Political: “Have all of you heard of Carl Schmit?” the professor asks. We all raise our hands. “Of course you have,” he says with a smirk. “This is U Chicago.” (Um, I hadn’t. This is why I feel stupid here)

Yes, U Chicago thinks way too highly of itself. Either way, it’s a great seminar, and I’m enjoying the reading, and we’re doing joint sessions with the Straussian seminar class, so yay!

So I think classes can be okay. Still a little bit isolated here, but talking to people in classes and in the lounge and I’m not letting this be anything less than tolerable.

Also, Angels in the Outfeild makes me cry.

I’d forgotten how awesome it felt to be completely engaged by an article.

My mind is running a million miles a minute. My brain is waking up.

Waiting to hear back on a few jobs. Been researching like mad to get my sample projects done.

Depending on what time I meet up with the Younger Wiser Sibling, I may go down to the lake later. Before the weather gets too frigid.

And then it is more reading.

I am eating cold Ramen noodles.

I haven’t changed the time on my laptop to reflect Midwestern time. I have lived in the Northeast all my life (except for summer abroad) and so I am not into this whole “Central Time Zone” thing. It means the Daily Show comes on at 10 and that I have to remember to call my friends back home at eight-something my time, because it’s already 9-something there, and I don’t want to call too late.

They have various beers here that one cannot find in the Northeast. I’m sure there are brands of stuff that you can’t find here, but I haven’t noticed yet. Also, the Co-op by me takes off 5% if you bag your own groceries. I found this out because I made a big shopping trip, politely told the bagger I would bag my own stuff (it was my career for three years. I bag groceries better than you. Trust me. Also, I still remember a lot of produce codes) and found I got nearly $8 off. Eight dollars is important when you’re a student. I just spent an obscene amount of money on books for class.

Other Things:
There are imported squirrels here
There is a brand of soda called “Wildwood.” It tastes like RC Cola. They also make seltzer, orange soda, etc.
Different brands of bottled water than home
People are weirdly friendly. Like when we were driving out here, the toll collectors on the Ohio and Indiana Turnpikes were really happy and friendly. And the hotel people at the Ramada were friendly and not snooty.

I’m sure I will notice lots of other quirks. Right now though I am really, really tired and am going to go back to my apartment and take a nap. In the middle of the day. I like being a student.

I’m safely in Chicago (and I guess I need a Chicago icon since I have half a dozen NY/Astoria ones) and the drive was not as bad as I thought. I have no internets in my apartment but that will be solved on Friday. My apartment is small, but perfectly adequete for one person and all mine. Um. I have a lot to write about but I’m standing at a computer in Reynolds Club and my brother is waiting for me so he can show me Chicago public transportation so this will have to wait.

Now I have to go get used to buses instead of subways.

I got my housing application approved! I have a small studio about a 10 minute walk from campus. The rent is a little more than I was anticipating, but I think I can manage it, because my loans got approved too!

The majority of the time schedules for Fall 2006 are online, so I am making masochistic fantasy course schedules and dreaming about my thesis. I can’t believe that by this time next year I’ll have a Masters degree. Six more weeks till I move to Chicago, so nice to know that I have some place to live.

And that means my two bedroom in Astoria is up for grabs. Anyone need a really cheap apartment in the best neighborhood in NYC?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My city shines at dusk. Leaving a bar, hugs exchanged with acquaintances-that-are-becoming-friends, phone calls promised, and then I turn and stride off in the air that’s cooled just enough to not be uncomfortable. Walking to the subway after an evening out carries a sort of exhilaration. I am alone in my thoughts and more at ease without having to be aware of my destination. These are some of my favorite New York City moments; my walks homeward are when I savor my independence, my competence, and my daily triumphs in the most mundane of places. I smile at my surroundings, thankful for all the things this city shows me.

Last night I walked down by Astoria Park and sat on one of the benches along the East River. There are no words for how much I love Astoria. I love Hell Gate’s Bridge, love seeing it when I walk up Ditmars Blvd towards my apartment. And at night, when the Triborough is lit up, I can see it from my living room window. Technically my Jersey City view of the Empire State Building would be more sought after, but that didn’t feel like home and this does.

Everyone keeps telling me that I can always come back, that my program in Chicago is only for a year, but I don’t know. New York City schools don’t have what I’m looking for except for location, and if I decide to get my PhD, that isn’t enough. This has been an all-too-brief love affair; I can’t believe I’m leaving in less than three months.

This has never happened to me; I’ve never loved a place I’ve been (physically and mentally and metaphorically) so much, yet been able to be so excited about where I’m going. There are still moments where I’m just involved in something else entirely and then it’s like “I’m going to U Chicago!!!” and I’m all giddy about it. Because it’s U Chicago!

And as good as these past two months have been, I have to remind myself why getting into U Chicago, and visiting there, and knowing it was right was such a relief: I needed to get out of New York. I needed a way out. I can’t quite explain it; I guess it was situational. But I knew I had to get away, and there have still been quite a few moments where it’s like “Thank god I have a way out.” And I think life is pretty good when my “escape” is the third best school in the country for political theory. (Yeah, I’m totally bragging about that little statistic.) So maybe the reason I’ve been able to relax so much is because I know I’m leaving. I know that no matter what happens, good or bad, I’m going to U Chicago.

I don’t know. Everything happens for a reason and I feel like I’ve been drawn to U Chicago by, as silly as it sounds, fate. And it was also way too much of a coincidence that the week I got my letter The Economist has a special feature article on “Chicago.” (Last year’s was on New York. Maybe I should choose my next city by the Economist report.)

So while I’m still not sure how I’m going to choose what books to bring, I’m definitely getting excited about Chicago.

I didn’t go to work yesterday. After sleeping from 8pm-midnight, I was awake until the 6 AM; it was around 4:30 that I decided to call in. Smart decision.

My weekend was relatively uneventful, save my nearly two hour commute home on Friday evening. The train got to 59^th & Lexington when they announced there was no service into Queens, and the N/W wasn’t going to be running downtown. My first thought was to backtrack to Grand Central via the 6 train and then take the 7, but there were swarms and swarms of people. I said screw it and walked over the Queensboro Bridge. It was very muggy and disgusting. I got to Queensboro Plaza with the intention of taking the N/W home. The station was a mess; there was no service in either direction, no one seemed to know what was going on, and it was horribly humid. After 15 minutes of waiting, I gave up and starting walking. It started to pour by the time I hit Broadway.

By the time I got home I was soaked. Total distance walked, just under 5 miles.

So now it’s already Tuesday, and I’m not working on Friday, AND I’m taking a half day on Thursday, so yay for a super short week. While I was walking to work I had a whole list of things that I wanted to write about but I don’t remember them now. Except that whenever I pass an Ann Taylor store I drool over the clothes in the window and have to remind myself that a) most of their clothes are designed for woman with no hips and thus they don’t look quite right on me b) I really can’t afford their clothes and c) I’m going to be a student in 3 months, which means I can wear the same pair of jeans for a week, so I really don’t need any more clothes that make me look all refined and pulled together.

Speaking of becoming a student, I got my U Chicago Student ID yesterday. I also got the syllabus for the one core course everyone in my program has to take and the reading list is scary. However, I am thankful that I took that random Sociology class my sophomore year, because we read a lot of the stuff on the list, including The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism, so that makes me feel a tiny bit less intimidated.