I am kind of jealous of the people heading back to or starting school today. I love the start of a school year; new clothes, school supplies, and Promise.
I should be using my free time at work to actually write something. Of course, I am more likely to be found mindlessly clicking around the Internet. Okay, let me update, in list form, on some things that have happened in the past six weeks or so
-I drunk dialed O-L-B to yell at him, for something vague involving photos
-I talked to Ohio, a good conversation
-I made out with Peace, who is a conservative Muslim and had never kissed a girl. He is 31. He gave as good as he got, which was followed by a freak out on his part about how he can’t do this. And then we made out some more on the subway, and in the Strand, and then he drove me home, and had another freak out, in which he told me how wonderful and awesome I am, but we come from two different worlds and he can’t do this, because it goes against everything he believes in. Me, being me, was drunk of course. I cried. Even though I basically knew this would happen. I am definitely going to Hell.
-I went to DC, stood out in the cold for many, many hours, and saw Obama get inaugurated. The mood in DC was very happy and joyous and I had a lot of fun
-I got very sick from standing out in the cold and slept a lot.
-The relapse exploded. The parents are now aware. Probably for the better since, um, I need help, clearly, but still not a conversation that was fun to have.
-O-L-B has a girlfriend and talks about her constantly on the Message Board of Note
-I finally admitted how angry/upset/whatever I am over O-L-B, because all my months of repressing it and pretending that I was okay, because I thought I was supposed to be okay, did me absolutely no good. Never doing that again.
-So now, I’m basically wallowing, eating chocolate (which I don’t even LIKE!) and listening to “The Heart Remains a Child” a lot.
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I woke up anxiety ridden because O-L-B and The Ex managed to weave their way into my dream
-I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning lately. I don’t know what that’s about.
Lesson that I have learned (again and again and yet…): Trying to distract yourself by flirting/hooking up with someone who you are not the least bit attracted to is not a good idea. Sure, its flattering when they think you’re totally awesome, but afterwards, you’re just putting cover-up on your neck to hide the hickey that you are way too old to have, and missing someone else entirely.
I am sleeping with an incredibly well-read, intelligent, politically-compatible, man, who can also make me laugh, makes me coffee in the morning, and sometimes even holds my hand in public (which, considering some former suitors, impresses me.) He likes me too, and I know that.
But.
It’s all the wrong timing and all the wrong circumstances, and we both know it. When he looks at me, he is seeing something else. I understand why it is this way. Not only is he just barely out of a long term relationship, he also dated this girl in high school, so she is his whole life. I will never be her, and I will never know him the way she does. And I’m just the rebound, and a security blanket. No one is this affectionate with someone they’re just fucking.
And as for me, I cannot let myself be the last on someone’s to do list. I have always been of the opinion that if you really like someone, etc, you MAKE time, you don’t ‘have’ time. He does not make time for me. I don’t think it’s malicious of his part, but being someone’s rebound really sucks. In other circumstance, we may have had potential, but we don’t here, and I’m trying to figure out how to be strong enough to make the “this isn’t going to work” speech, because I am NEVER the one to give this speech. I just wait for it, wait for the other shoe to drop.
He is essentially a good guy. He listens when I talk, but I don’t know if he hears, and him, he doesn’t really talk. I wish he did.
It’s frustrating, because it’s the first time in a VERY long time that I actually met someone that I like-liked. But I should probably end this, because I don’t want us to dislike each other, because neither of us are at fault here. It’s just not right, because of right now.
This is such a weird place to be.
This season unconsciously reminds me of falling in love. In puppy love when I was 12. In “Eee, a boy likes me” excitement when I was 14. In “A blind man could see I’m falling in love with this boy” at 16, to “…there’s a romanticism in just trying with someone, even if you know how it’s going to end…” at 21.
I’d like to say that I have that feeling. I was positively giddy after The Free Choice, but something shifted on Sunday morning, I think. I am trying to push it away and keep my tone the same in emails on the chance I’m wrong, but I’m never wrong about these things.
Damnit. I meet a guy I actually like, am actually attracted to, and actually feel comfortable being with (a combination that has not been found in many, many years) and of course he’s on the rebound, so, so, so far gone on the rebound. And while I’m not falling for him or anything, I wonder if I could have if the circumstances were different, and I don’t know .
So this sucks, because I see all this potential there, but it’s just not going to happen, and now I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for this to be over before it started.
I have a million last minute things to do before I leave in a few hours.
I just wanted to record one more moment from the futon in my living room, looking out over 21st Avenue.
I know this is the right decision. A scholarship to University of Chicago. So many opportunities will come from this.
But sometimes, doing the right thing feels really awful.
