it’s quiet now and what it brings
Is everything comes calling back
A brilliant night, I’m still awake
I’d looked ahead, I’m sure I saw you there
You don’t need me to tell you now, that nothing can compare

(“It’s so quiet here…sometimes I get so homesick that I hum the Mr. Softee song.”
-Alex Cabot, Law & Order SVU)

You might have laughed if I told you
You might have hidden your frown
You might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around
It’s easier to leave than to be left behind
Leaving was never my pride
Leaving New York, never easy
I saw the light fading out

(Dear New York,

I miss you very, very, very much. I dislike Chicago because it is not you. I miss the cacophony of Midtown when I stepped out of the subway station at 55th & 7th every morning. I miss the sunsets over the Tri-borough Bridge, viewed from the N-train. I miss Astoria – Hyde Park has nothing on it. I miss moments with all my friends and co-workers and acquintences. I miss my apartment, and my walk to work, and my life there. I miss who you made me.

Now life is sweet and what it brings
I’ve tried to take
A lonlieness, it wears me out
It lies in wait
I might’ve lived my live if a dream, but I swear
This is real

I miss being happier than I ever imagined possible. I miss the disbelief that my life was possibly that good. I miss the ridiculous excitement that overtook me whenever I re-remembered that this was real.

Memory fuses and shatters like glass
Mercurial future, forget the past
But it’s you, it’s what I feel

I miss familiarity, and comfort, and love. I just miss you.

Love,
Rachel )  

Leaving New York, never easy (it’s pulling me apart)
I saw the lights fading out
You find it in your heart, change…
I told you, forever
I love you forever

I told you, forever
You never, you never
You told me forever 

Leaving New York never easy (it’s pulling me apart)
I saw the light fading out (change)
-R.E.M

I’m sitting in my old bedroom at my parent’s house. I leave for Chicago in less than 12 hours. I’ve been writing about this for so long that it’s difficult to believe it’s finally here. I thought I’d be a bundle of nerves but I’m actually quite calm.

I also thought I’d have a lot to say, but I suppose I’ve said it all so many times that I’m now at a loss for words. So I say again; if quoting a Kelly Clarkson song is wrong, than I don’t want to be right.

“I heart you for 2-1-5, 3JP, Malibu Bay Breezes, Dawson’s Creek and Degrassi, careening through Brooklyn in the car making up new words to “How’s It Gonna Be” and laughing our asses off, and for nicknames, and Gin Blossoms, and Angela Chase, and ballet, and deep lunchtime conversations, and for misanthropic heroism, mallets, planes, suggestion boxes, and Coney Island and for analysis, and our band names, wanting to punch people, raccoons, and revalations, and being awesome, and for sharing a brain, and for torrid love affairs, alligator farms, and subway boyfriends, and for making fun of everything, Cinco de Mayo, and idiot-lion-cub-boy, and for not getting over ourselves and being the two coolest people on the planet.”

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place . . . Like you’ll not only miss the people you love, but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

“I’ll put it this way — my life continues to be amazing. Not because it’s so good, or so perfect, or so easy, or so obvious, or so filled with excitement. But because things continue to just happen, all the time, that aren’t the things I necessarily would have expected. And whether or not that makes any sense, it’s a very good thing. A good way for a life to be.”

Jerry: So not…this…or that…?
Elaine: No
Jerry: So what do you want?!?!
Elaine: I want this…that…and the other thing
Jerry: Who doesn’t want this, that, and the other thing?
Elaine: …You…
-The Deal, Episode 10

An “I’m Home” Entry

I got back to Jersey on Wednesday. I drove Sebastian to the airport on Wednesday morning, so I had someone to listen to me repeat “This is so weird. I’m leaving Skidmore. This is so weird.” The drive to Albany was very interesting and involved having to stop so I could put air in my tires (in the cold, while Sebastian sat in the car in his suit, (…so much for aristocratic treatment of women!), how Hobbes would approve of Cosmopolitan magazine, some frank advice from Sebastian for me (…well, you really shouldn’t, but it’s Christmas, so…), and relating Machiavelli to almost everything.

I hadn’t been very emotional beyond being in shock. I spent about five hours on Tuesday night on the phone with various people, being ridiculously happy. And then I completely lost it while driving away from Albany airport, because I was playing my “You Cannot Be Depressed Listening to This Mix” and apparently the song “I’m Movin’ On” when combined with actually ‘moving on’, and saying temporary good-byes to friends will make me cry. I am so maudlin. This is all very strange to me.

I sobbed until I hit the Thruway and then it was a very easy drive. I still haven’t unpacked, I’m back at B&N (and my new staff is amazing and I’m actually really happy to be back there), and I’m still in a good mood.

Dar Williams totally wrote “Better Things” for me, for December 2004

2 papers down, 1 final done, only THE final left to go.

I spent the morning hanging out in the government department lounge. Then I took my final, which was ridiculously easy, went to Scotty’s with Laura, went X-Mas shopping, and then napped. I’ve had butterflies in my stomach and have been mildly anxious since I woke up. I’m slightly nervous about my Modern final because I’m never sure if I’ve studied enough and I’m starting to go into shock that I’m really finished tomorrow.

This semester went by ridiculously fast. When I got back to school in September I never imagined I would wind up where I am now. Hitting rock bottom in early October meant things really did have no where to go but up. Stupid optimism. I know “who are you and what have you done with Rachel” etc. It’s nice to hear that question again, it’s been too many years.

I have a million things to say, and I’m not sure I can actually articulate them all. But it will have to wait until after THE final.

Long December
And there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year
Will be better than the last
I can’t remember
All the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments
As they pass
~Countine Crows

Also, because it’s today: “Always…” NSOS! “

HWSNBN is in town. Thank god I have Laura and Sebastian other wise I would be flipping out about 10x more than I already am.

Edited to Add: Is it really bad that I’m going to graduate in NINETEEN DAYS and I had to edit this entry because I spelled NINETEEN wrong the first time. And now I’m paranoid that this way is wrong to, so my idiocy will be further proved. I love my life. No. Seriously. I do. STOP LAUGHING!!!!

“I don’t ever want to be like you/I don’t want to do the things you do”
~EuroSim 2004, with Josh & V/Car rides, November 2004 (I love DEEP emo songs, yo)

Even though I was up till nearly 4 AM I’m up by 10:30, no alarm. I half miss the guilt that comes from “sleeping long and far too late.” I don’t miss the feeling of “I don’t know if I’m going to make it out of bed for my 12:40 class.” That was just unhealthy. Although, as has been determined by very scientific means: 12:40 classes last longer than any other class.

But I do like Senior Night done my way. Besides I was fearful that if I actually to senior night, I’d have no choice but to get mind numbingly drunk. And that means the potential for embarrasment is much higher.

My taste in music, is often akin to my taste in movies (no, not HORROR). Thus I have “Heart of the Matter” in my head. It’s a perfectly cheesy tribute to destruction and forgiveness. 

 It reminds me of 8th grade. And who has GOOD memories of 8th grade? (Although, there are tons of pictures from this time period of me, surrounded by bunch of guys so perhaps I shouldn’t complain. The pictures are really amusing because I’m about a foot shorter than everyone else. I wonder what happened to all those idiot boys.

I’m in the last month now. It’s almost over.

Today:
“Is there anything you would do over? Is there anything you want to do that you haven’t done [at college]?”

(What’s the point of regret/They’re just lessons/We haven’t learned yet)

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching “Love, Actually” with Evan. Evan and I don’t see each other that often, so he still kind of buys my tough as nails image. And then there’s scene, where Andrew Lincoln shows up on Keira Knightly (his best friend’s wife) doorstep and tells her “To me, you are perfect, and my wasted heart will always love you.”

And, I get all teary eyed. Because he walks away, whispering to himself “Enough. Enough now.”

And then Emma Thompson calls her husband out on cheating on her and yells “you have made my life ridiculous,” and I lose it, because Emma Thompson is awesome and her voice is all raw, and then she has to pull it together to meet her kids. So, I cry. Again.

“You are such a sap,” Evan tells me. “Is this why you won’t watch movies with other people?”

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