I am doing that thing where I am constantly composing in my head. When I’m walking to down the street, I’m writing paragraphs for future blog entries. When I’m on the Metro I’m rearranging sentences. When I’m trying to fall asleep I’m relaying dialogue for real-life, future conversations that will likely never happen.

And that’s why when it’s past 2:00 am, I roll over and reach under the bed for my laptop, to write this.

It occurs to me, I never sleep very much this particular Saturday night. Every year, when we turn the clocks back, gaining us an hour of sleep, I stay up until 2am to watch the clock flip back to 1:00am (my laptop does it automatically, I think. Maybe I do it by watching the prevue channel? I don’t remember). I find a certain romanticism in this split second – this year I was tired at 12:45 and consciously decided not to watch it.

Of course, now I can’t sleep. Everyone loves this weekend because its a free hour of sleep, and I waste it. I shouldn’t have had all the heavily caffeinated cinnamon tea, but I was reading I Capture the Castle and you can’t read that book without tea.

So because I can’t sleep, I’m doing a few tiny, tiny tasks to get myself back in the swing of things. I found a job to apply for, and so I opened my template for legal assistant jobs, so I can write it tomorrow while my soup cooks. Which sounds silly, but anything to make getting out an application less daunting.

This is not the end of internal angst and probably some tears. Going to the Film Festival and hanging out with people got me about 50% out of my head. And then I wound up 90% back in it a few hours later.

But right now, almost literally right now, I just want to go on record to say I think it will be okay. I think I’ll be okay.

Thank you all for you comments and encouragement yesterday. It helped, it really did. I have been a bad commenter lately. This is partially because I can’t get into using a reader, and partially because any bout of concentration I have during the day is spent on multi-tasking while cover lettering. And trying to keep up with my 100 day writing challenge. I used to actually “craft” blog entries, years ago, and reading them back, they sound crafted. Which isn’t wrong, it just reads like a girl who takes herself too seriously.

Which, to be fair, I probably did (do?). Who knows. Anyway, the point of this, is that writing every day forces me to stop considering my audience. I HAVE to write this. Maybe if I do this for long enough I will stop subconsciously writing for all those pseudonymed exes.

On my Facebook feed, a girl I knew from high school had posted “RIP [Name].” The same name as this guy I went to high school and middle school with, who was a friend, a co-worker, and my date to the eighth grade dance. We’ve kept in touch on and off over the years, and give him credit for “corrupting” me (he always teased me for being a straight edge) and teaching me how to have a good time in NYC.

Before I could even react (it was literally a few seconds) I learned from the comments on her status, that it was not the same person. (He has a fairly common name). But I’ve still gone back to her status over and over, and re-read the comments, to make sure.

I don’t have anything else to say about that, but it happened and I felt I should mention it. A guy from my graduating class did die a few months ago. I didn’ t know him at all, but his last name came right before mine alphabetically, so he sat in front of me for the PSATs and laughed at my Dawson’s Creek reference. It is totally ridiculous, the things you remember.

 Anyway, I should write that cover letter that I asked you all about yesterday, and tweak my resume, so I can submit it tomorrow.

Ok, time to hit post.