I am currently sitting in the reception area of my office, waiting for the UPS guy to show up. I’m babysitting the stack of boxes, containing the Important Books for Important Quarterly Meeting, that can’t be left unattended.

I just realized I haven’t eaten anything today.  It was a fairly frentic day, and yesterday was busy too, and I have so much to do tomorrow, and I’m tired, and whine.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/29/while-i-babysit-inanimate-objects/feed/ 1 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/08/i-am-insane/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/08/i-am-insane/#comments Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:47:37 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6999 I have had various windows open all day, started this blog entry at least three separate times, and now it’s already past 1:30 and I haven’t touched my requisite to job applications for the day, and by the time I complete this entry, I’m betting it will be 2:30. And I haven’t eaten anything, and I didn’t fall asleep until 4:30 am and I’m drinking one of those Monster Energy Drinks and it is scarily effective.  Oh, and I’m talking to a boy on gchat which always significantly drains my productivity.

And I am freaking out over logistics for next week.

Oh my god. And I was already planning on taking Monday off, but now maybe I shouldn’t since I’ll be taking Thursday off, and will be inclined to slip out early on Wednesday, probably.

I am not wired for this. I am built only to handle the mundane. Or at least, that’s what these two years have gifted me; an inordinate ability to do the same thing day in and day out and not shoot myself in the head, and not really seek out anything other than what is right in front of me. (Other than, you know, my obsessive job applicationing.)

I have no idea where I am going, either with this entry, or any of these sentences.

My co-worker was teasing me about it, to which I shrugged and said “Residuals from my last job. It still gives me nightmares.” (Because more than two years later, it still does)

It seems I have not yet let go of NaBloPoMo, so I was thinking of extending it. How long, I don’t know. 100 days is a nice even number, but there’s the challenge of my vacation in mid-August.

Speaking of mid-August. There’s a gathering in St. Louis in August of people from Message Board of Note. The last time we had one of these was the much mentioned, disasterous Chicago trip. The weekend where everything that went wrong, did go wrong. (Through copicious fault on my own, and also because O-L-B was/is a total jackass).

O-L-B isn’t going to be there (if he was, I would be 100% not going. The thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl) and neither will Ohio, so the potential for drama factor is low. But I still don’t know if it’s a good idea. Plus, it falls right at the end of my already planned family-friends vacation. In order to go, I’d have to leave Rhode Island a couple days ealier than intended. And while it’s not prohibitively expensive, I really should throw that money at paying off my car, if I’m going to enact A Plan by next February.

That’s a lot in the “con” column, lets talk about pros. Pro is that I would get to see Ellie, who I have not seen in way too long. Pro is that I would get to meet a few people in person who I have not already met. (Con: Minus Ellie, none of my most favorite people will be there.) Pro is that I would probably have fun once I got there, despite the seeming dread, and lord knows I could use  a little fun in my life.

I don’t know, so I’ m putting off the decision.

I really need to go back to the philosophy of One Day At A Time. When you immerse yourself in it, it is surprisingly effective. I didn’t know that before March 2009, but now I am a reluctant (if also forgetful) believer.

I have no idea where I am going, either with this entry, or any of these sentences.

My biggest insecurity about doing one of these online dating sites is that someone I know could see it. Theoretically, if they’re browsing an online dating site, they’re there for the same reason. Theoretically. But I can’t be the only one who signs up for sites with a junk email address and just browses around, right? Right?

Plus, I hate the lame questions that any matchmaking site wants you to fill out, and I cringe at the thought of anyone I know reading my answers. Actually, it’s just kind of cringeworthy, period. You either have to go sincere (and sound lame) or witty/sarcastic (and sound defensive).

But, anyway: should I sign up for OKCupid?

This post may disappear depending on how I feel about it 24 hours from now. I would tell you what I thought was a good idea 24 hours ago, but I no longer think it’s a good idea, so I’m not going to tell you.

If I sound particularly psychotic this morning, it’s because I am. Also, the site that I need to get on to apply for yet another job that I am perfect for keeps crashing. Theoretically, this could mean that no one can get on to apply, but it was working fine this morning, and I suspect it is just this crappy computer/browser. You can see how I feel about theoretical things. Clearly I am a shame to the UChicago name. (one of the t-shirts they sold in the bookstore read “I get how that works in practice, but can you tell me how it works in theory?”)

Other (way more) important question: Do I want to send the snarky cover letter directly to Important Guy? I’d do some tweaking, of course. My paranoia is that my resume has a typo or error in it somewhere and it will look especially foolish including it with that letter. Anyone want to proofread?

I saw Just-In-Case at the dreaded Wednesday meeting. He talked a lot and I was reminded why I have put no effort into “running into him” other than that one time. He is very cute (and seems pretty nice) but I could probably not stand to hang out with him one on one. Why is it that a Facebook comment from a Canadian Libertarian who I will never meet makes me smile way more than politely engaging in small talk IN PERSON with Just-In-Case?

I have absolutely no plans for the weekend other than going to the gym and perhaps working on KSAs.

My habit of reading PF blogs is making me kind of obsessive about my own finances. I’ve been fairly aggressive with saving the past 6 months (even with my clothing expenditures) but no matter how much I save, I worry it is still not enough of a cushion to move to DC on. (Not that I’ll move until I have a job, but my expenses will increase DRAMATICALLY). Right now, I am focusing on a fund that is specifically for moving related expenses.  I am keeping it completely separate from my emergency fund, which is in a local savings account and I cannot take money out of it without physically walking into one of the locations. I figure that keeps it pretty safe, and even more well guarded when/if I move to DC.

And of course, I’m still debating the Roth IRA thing, and if I want to get REALLY neurotic I can say “well the time I am wasting considering an IRA is time that my contributions could be growing.” I did one of those retirement calculators on my 401(k) plan and it is all like IF THE MARKET PERFORMS BADLY YOU WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH. So maybe I should just part with some of my hoarded savings and open a Roth IRA?

I should just ask my dad for advice. He is the most sensible person about these things.

Also, daylight savings time this weekend, so we lose an hour. First of all, fuck George Bush, because daylight savings time is EARLIER than it used to be (it is entirely possible that it did used to be at this time and then it got moved back for whatever reason, but I don’t feel like looking it up). Secondly, daylight savings is a GIANT scam. Finally, because we turn our clocks ahead now, and UK doesn’t for another two weeks (THANKS A LOT BUSH) it makes things very confusing at work, and really, logistically speaking it makes NO SENSE that the UK be just 4 hours ahead of us.

Insert requisite comments from my physics/philosophy friends about how time doesn’t really exist. And with that, it’s the weekend.

For now, I will just say:

…that even though I was at work until 8:00 PM on Friday night, waiting for Important Documents that didn’t show up…

…and even though I checked my work email about 100x today…

…and even though I got woken up by a work related phone call at an absurdly early hour…

…and even though, the past few weeks (really, since the holidays) work has been filled with crankiness…

This situation has made me once again absurdly grateful that it is taking place at my Current Job and not The-Job-That-Wasn’t.

Were the same situation playing out at The-Job-That-Wasn’t, well, first of all, I wouldn’t know how to handle it, because I wouldn’t have been given any information in the first place – I would have been expected to just do it all myself. But if this was happening at The-Job-That-Wasn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to eat or sleep this weekend, and my Former-Important-Boss definitely would NOT have been able to see any humor in the situation (because seriously? It’s Pieces of Paper that have to be signed by Important People. And we’re driving ourselves CRAZY over it. I mean, obviously there are reasons why this has to be done, but it’s not like life or death).

Instead, after being woken up at an absurdly early hour, I had coffee and did some reading. And checked my email. And then I went out for lunch and shopping and singing in my car. And tonight I broke out the Buffy DVDs (shut up) and also talked to Keithers. And yes, I checked my email about 100 times.

But I’m not afraid to walk into work on Monday morning and I won’t have to spend half the day with my head down, hiding my tears or terrified facial expressions. (Former-Important-Boss made me cry several times a week and towards the end all the stress and worry and horribleness had just built up and built up and it didn’t take much to set me off anyway.)

So although it seems strange to find gratitude in a ridiculous work situation, it’s there. Because I am capable of getting Important Documents signed, I’m having a decent weekend, and my boss isn’t going to make me cry on Monday morning.

And somehow, that never gets old.

I am only about 10% kidding here. Maybe 15%. I don’t like the outdoors. I am not an outdoorsy person. I like concrete and steel and darting across the street against the light.

I cannot sit still and concentrate on anything. I have to be multi-tasking to get anything done. All my papers in college got done with 3 AIM windows open and probably a couple of websites for good measure.  It takes me forever to write a blog entry because I keep checking my email or going back to the drawing I was making while on hold before.  Same deal with cover letters. I find it absolutely cringeworthy to pound out paragraphs on how wonderful and uniquely qualified I am and how it applies to this particular organization, so I can only stand to write a few sentences at a time, and then I have to minimize the window because it’s just icky.

This entry has been brought to you by the newly created ‘Neurotic Jew’ tag.

Also, lately, in the moments when I’m trying to fall asleep, I find my brain running over incredibly embarassing things I’ve done over the years, including the things that I didn’t have enough sense to be embarrased about then (read: Middle School) but were horrible and I can’t believe I dressed/talked/acted like that. I have no idea why I’m thinking about these things, but they have just drifted out of my memory to torture me. Memory lane indeed.

It is already almost February and I have accomplished exactly one of my January goals. I really need to join a gym and go to the dentist. And kick my own ass.