I’m running on too much caffeine and not enough sleep, for no good reason. I could join the Facebook group “I’m Always Tired Because I Stay Up Too Late for No Reason.” I click mindlessly around the internet and have been known to hit “reload” on my email, even at 1:30 in the morning.

I drink a cup of coffee, and then pick up another on my way to a therapy appointment, even though that’s all I have to do today. Half of a large iced coffee remains on the table next to me. My hands are a little shaky from too much caffeine and not enough to eat. Pause to eat half a sandwich. Better now.

My neck and shoulders are cramped and sore from too many hours hunched over at a desk or laptop. I am grateful for the relief of the weekend (I spent nine hours on Friday formatting contracts) but impatient with the way it interrupts the job search – there are no new job postings on the weekend.

My therapist gently bridged the subject that eventually, I’m going to have to date again. I brushed that off, saying I’m not interested in dating now, and what’s the point of it, given that I’m trying to move to DC sooner rather than later.

His point, of course, was that I’m not going to meet any boys spending my time as I’ve been spending it. Abstractly, he’s right. Day to day, I’m not interested in doing that, not now. My desire to go on polite dates is in the range of zero to negative 10.

I have an application to craft, for THE organization I want to work for. The chances of me getting so much as an email rejection are practically non-existent. But, as with every application I submit, even to the less than perfect jobs, I can’t help the wishful thinking. I can’t help but start to do the mental financial planning on how I would survive in DC on about half of what I’m making right now.

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve been on a date (or even done some making out. There is a definite lack of making out in my life) and I don’t see that changing in the near future. And I’ve only been at the search for a career change for a few weeks, really. It’s far too early to get frustrated because I haven’t submitted enough applications to be a contender in the number games.

Besides, all my personal experience shows that job offers, like boys you want to make out with, come along when you are least expecting it, when you’re at the rock bottom of frustrations and shattered expectations, and when you can’t picture how things are ever going to go right.

That’s when you get the phone call. That’s when you realize he’s deliberately sitting closer to you than he needs to.

I don’t mean to go on blogging breaks, but work has been insane, and then, what do I have to say, really? I am still stuck. Oh, and it’s Saturday night, and I have no plans besides picking up some sushi, doing some laundry, and the SVU marathon.

I have basically become ok with the fact that my weekends are like this. I have gotten past judging them as “pathetic” and making self deprecating comments about them. I would just rather be spending my weekends doing nothing in DC (or NYC) and then I would have the option to do something that wasn’t nothing.

I think I might want DC like the way I wanted New York when I got out of college. Back then, I was also craving independence and the opportunity for a social life, to be sure, but I wanted New York because of HWSNBN. I think I want DC, and there’s not even a boy there. I suppose my therapist would say this is progress. Of course, it’s entirely possible that I have just forced myself to not want NYC, because I know that career wise, DC is the only place that makes sense right now. And, given that, there’s no use wanting what you can’t have, or torturing yourself with what cannot be.

HWSNBN still texts me very occasionally. He asked back in September when I’d be in the city next. I said December. He told me to let him know when, but I never did. I didn’t see the point, really, and also all the vain, shallow reasons like I want to be nothing but 100% together if I ever see him again.

So for now, I’m not quite sure what I’m doing. I have a phone interview on Monday for an organization that pays probably half of what my current job does, and who’s political orientation is possibly opposite of my own. Still, they do some interesting work in the security/foreign policy realm, so I’ll give it a chance to see what happens. Already, in my head I’m making excuses for why this is a terrible idea to even consider, and of course this is mere projection, because the phone interview hasn’t even happened yet.

When I moved to New York, I was actually pretty gutsy. Despite growing up 30 minutes away, I didn’t know the city, and I certainly didn’t know the boroughs. I spent the first half of the summer of 2005 job hunting and apartment hunting in the sweltering heat. I learned the neighborhoods of Brooklyn (where I never wound up living) by google map directions and walking. I learned the subway by following the colored lines on the map with my finger. HWSNBN and I were long over, and I didn’t have any friends in the city. I just did it.

“You have to take a step before you’re ready. Because if you wait to be ready, you’ll never take that step. “

Perhaps I would do well to remember this.

I went to the diner with Joe this afternoon to help him with Grad School admissions essays – physics majors don’t do a lot of writing.

After we went over his essays, we slipped into our usual conversation of what we’re trying to do, the escape we trying to make, and what our two mutual friends are doing along those lines. For all the differences we have on paper, we’re in a remarkably similar place. (Still stuck, for those playing at home)

As we were leaving, and I was talking about my weekend in DC, I admitted that a tiny part of me was fearful of running into The Ex in Georgetown. And I was being SUCH a girl, running over in my head whether I look better or worse than the last time I saw him – which was over five years ago now. In the “worse” column was the weight gain. In the “better” column was more put together.

“And,” Joe added. “You’re just hitting your stride. There’s always something attractive about that.”

I know what he means. I’ve said it myself before – that confidence is hot, and the first rule of confidence is faking it. But hitting my stride? I wouldn’t go that for. The Libertarian Fellowship is an attempt to get back into my stride, and my success thus far in the interview process has helped push that along, but there are still 3-5 rounds to go, and if I fail, I’m back to where I started.

It’s out of my hands now. All I can do is wait until mid-January, make another trip to DC, and impress 3-5 more rounds of people. Simple, right?

Don’t they say that humans have 6-8 dreams a night, or something ridiculous? You just don’t remember 95% of them? I’m too lazy to look it up. Anyway, my second to last dream before waking (the last one was Little House on the Prairie related) was that I got the interview in DC. 

My dreams have been oracle like before, so I was thinking about that while I was getting ready.

And then I checked my email before my ride got here, and there was a “Rachel, come in for an interview” email. It had been sent at like 6:00 am, probably right around the time I was actually having the dream. How freaky is that?

I have an interview in DC in 2 weeks! And they are paying for my train fare and accomodations. And since I’ll be in DC anyway, I’m going to stay the weekend and hang out with Keithers.

So at least SOME of the shopping I’ve been doing lately has not been for naught. Now I have plenty of job-interview outfits to choose from! I am definitely straigtening my hair.  Obviously, I have my priorities in order.

Now, I’m very psyched about this, but I also need to reign in some of my excitement. This is still a LONG process. I will be interviewing with at least 6 different people at the foundation. Even if that goes really well, I will still have to interview at 4-5 of their partner organizations. And you know what? I could be FANTASTIC, and as a result of circumstances (bad economy being one of them) they may not have a placement for me at any of their partner organizations.

So I don’t want to pin all my hopes on this, even though they clearly already are.  To say nothing of all the obsessing that will go into the possibily-moving-to-DC aspect of this.

But I’m afraid that my hopes are already there.

The phone interview yesterday went better than the first one did. It wasn’t fantastic, but it was okay. “Okay,” where I don’t know how to feel about things is generally not a readable sign. As soon as I hung up the phone, the impatience of waiting to hear began again.

I really have nothing today, but it feels like cheating to just write the above and count it as the day’s post. So because I enjoy things that make me feel 16 years old, let’s go with a survey:

I have seen variations of this where you use only song titles by the same artist to answer the questions, but I like the one where you have their whole rang of lyrics to choose from, because lord knows I love quoting song lyrics.

So, 10 things about me, via Dar Williams

Read the rest of this entry »

After a break to regain my health and sanity, the job hunt has begun in earnest and omg, and it is SO MUCH WORSE than it was last summer. There is NOTHING.

There’s nothing in development or research in non-profits, anywhere, not that I expected to stumble upon my ideal job, but there’s NOTHING.

And all the legal assistant/paralegal stuff I’m thinking of reverting to is all 3-5 years experience or listed by an agency, most of which are scams.

I’m already discouraged

It’s as if I never left, but the scaffolding is different. 

Call me insane, but I love Midtown in the morning. I love seeing commuters and their coffee making their way to work. It’s the commute home that kills me — I hate the stress of trying to get to Port Authority to catch my desired bus. I hate missing that bus more and having to wait the 25 minutes for the next one. Thankfully, I’ll soon be done with commuting from Jersey.

I have some things to report on the job front, but more on that later.

I GOT A JOB!!!!

Because my friends have been very good with the “Don’t worry, you WILL find a job,” (although it hasn’t happened yet, and I’m nervous and panicky and worried and, and, and…!!!) these are some other things that WILL happen.

WILL happen

I am in “single-minded focus” mode right now. Which means I’m obsessive about my job and apartment search. It only occurred to me a few weeks ago how possible it was for me to move to NYC, and now that I know I can do it I’m impatient to make it happen as soon as possible. I have job interviews. I’m meeting with potential roommates. I wish I could be of the “Manhattan or nothing” school, but I am not. Still not sure which would be best for me, as there are pros and cons to both. I would love to live on the Lower East Side, but unless I stumble into a miraculously good deal, it’s b&t for me.

But yes. Tomorrow begins my insane job interview schedule.

And that is all I have to say. When I get in this, forgive the term, mindset, I’m too busy acting to think.

A new job has been procurred

Back from break, and still unable to get much done.

I applied for five different summer jobs/internships. I could wind up in Boston, D.C., or I could live at home for another summer & commute to the city. All of this depends on if I get accepted to any of the new places I applied, of course. I don’t hold any illusions about publishing and such, but there’s a million things I could see myself doing within that field. It’s far more appealing to me than becoming a D.C. bureaucrat.

Am I crazy and immature for straying off my well-thought-out, responsible path? I’m serious. Someone really needs to tell me if I am, because I truly don’t know. I won’t get mad! Am I awful for disappearing for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon to write? (When I have an Honors Research paper to write…) And does that sound incredibly flaky?