I’m annoyed with Joe when I really have no right/reason to be. He got himself involved with this big project that, although he’s getting paid some pittinance for, was essentially something he volunteered for, has gone on WAY longer than he thought it would, and takes up all his time. As a result, I’ve barely seen him this past month, and will barely see him before he moves to California. I just got an email yesterday from him, cancelling our plans on Thursday.

I know that I shouldn’t be upset (or rather, I shouldn’t be upset with him. This is totally my issue), but he fully admitted he’s just finishing the project as an ego thing, and my snippy, passive aggressive side so wants to respond to that email “Great. Glad the project is more important than your friends.”

Which would be…pointless. It’s completely my marooned-in-suburbia loneliness talking. Joe has been my best friend here. We have spent a lot of time together, and until a month ago, I was talking to him almost every day. I guess this is good prep for the fact that he’s NOT going to be around, but I expected him to be around this past month, and he hasn’t been. I know I’m taking something personally that isn’t personal (i.e., my impulse is to wonder why this stupid project is more important when really, I know he doesn’t see things that way), but I’m still hurt and I need to find a way to squash it so it doesn’t explode in angry, biting comments.

The problem is that when I actually care about the job I’m applying for I obsess (overthink?) the application, spend possibly way too much time on it, and often wind up giving up and not applying. How do you explain in a job application that you just see these ideas as fundamentally right and that you want to put every ounce of your energy behind them? How do you strike the right balance between professionalism (these are my qualities: and look! they match the job requirements perfectly) and passion (my god I will answer phones, I will make coffee, I will make copies, I will DO ANYTHING just to work for this type of organization)?

Juding by the number of responses, my applications often fall short.

Right now, I just wrote two paragraphs about how I came to my libertarian ideas, (an EXTREME CliffNotes version)

My passion for free market and liberty oriented ideas was not ignited in the traditional manner of being exposed to the great works of Hayek and Friedman. That came later. While a college student, I listened to my fellow students advocate for ideas that involved government “solutionss” and referenced “the public good.” I disagreed with them, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. Then, in “Contemporary American Conservatism” I read Charles Murray’s “What It Means To Be A Libertarian,” and it clicked.

In the classroom, I became very well-educated in what I didn’t believe in. In small reading groups, in internet forums, and in volunteer work, I became very well educated in what I did believe in; that is that a free market society with an absence of government intrusion is the best atmosphere for the continuing advancement of humankind.  

My passion for free market and liberty oriented ideas was not ignited in the traditional manner of being exposed to the great works of Hayek and Friedman. That came later. While a college student, I listened to my fellow students advocate for ideas that involved government “solutionss” and referenced “the public good.” I disagreed with them, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. Then, in “Contemporary American Conservatism” I read Charles Murray’s “What It Means To Be A Libertarian,” and it clicked.

In the classroom, I became very well-educated in what I didn’t believe in. In small reading groups, in internet forums, and in volunteer work, I became very well educated in what I did believe in; that is that a free market society with an absence of government intrusion is the best atmosphere for the continuing advancement of humankind. 

And now I must debate whether that should go in the letter.

I have succeeded in making a dentist appointment for later in the month and I actually go it will be a true miracle.

Now, regardless of the fact that I am leaning towards actually executing this Plan, there are still several issues. One is that it is summer, and I do not intend to go anywhere at the moment, because summer is a terrible time to look for work anyway. The second is that I would like to reapply for the Libertarian Fellowship. I am unsure at this point whether I will apply for the early deadline (so maybe I can know that I am rejected by XMas again, and not pin any additional hopes on it) or if I should wait until one of the later application deadlines. Also, it may affect when I want to leave my job (if I leave my job) because I want recommendations from both my bosses. Third is that I still prefer NYC to DC, and even though the MAJORITY of jobs are in DC, there are still a few good ones in NYC, and maybe I could wind up with one of those, however unlikely.

Did I mention Polite Boy started asking me legal questions (I’m in employment law, and I can at least answer preliminary questions on many subjects) on his own behalf, and then started ARGUING with me over my answers. And these weren’t wavering opinions, they were STATEMENTS OF FACT. And yes, I know the law is up for interpretation and what have you, but he was trying to go into all this technicalities that were irrelevant, because his overall premise was wrong.

He was also suggesting that it would be okay to lie and claim that he never signed a piece of paper, because it wasn’t notarized and therefore they can’t really prove he signed it. There are a number reasons why this is a stupid idea, the first being, of course, “committing perjury is a bad idea.”

God, I am a magnet for tools.

The Smoker that I went out with over a week ago sent me a barrage of text messages on Saturday night, in which he did not identify himself, but I knew it was him based on what he said, and the fact that the number he was texting from has the same first 6 digits as his phone number. (So probably another phone on a family plan, or something). They were a little bit creepy and definitely, I thought, over dramatic.

And now, I’m hiding out on “invisible” mode on gchat, because Polite Boy has been irritating me, even though I get the impression that he does not like me. As I mentioned, he has never been on a job interview (gotten jobs via nepotism) yet he feels that he is qualified to offer lots of advice, and question my methods. He also told me that he is “not used to girls who have political opinions.”  This partially supports my arrogant suspicion that he was intimidated by me. Whatever.

And, speaking of job interview, (or job hunting) David is currently lamenting his rejection from a Perfect Job, and his description of the pain and uncomfortableness of this particular rejection hits way too close to home. I know it well. Both of us are, on paper, completely fucking useless. It’s a hard thing to be reminded of, time and time again, because even when you get over the initial sting of the rejection, it isn’t something you have the ability to change much. It isn’t possible to go back in time, and mold ourselves into something different on paper.

And, so it is Monday. Time to go compose more cover letters for jobs I don’t have a chance from hearing from. I don’t mean to be all gloomy and pessimistic, but it’s fairly easy to be this morning.

It was fine. He was polite and held the door for me (I don’t much care about chivalry one way or another, but for whatever reason, I appreciate the door thing) and conversation was ok. It was actually picking up towards the end of the pseudo-date, when he had to leave for some other thing. (Of course, he could have just made this up to have an easy out.)

I don’t know. If he asked me out again, I’d go and give it a chance. But if he didn’t, I wouldn’t care. Joe gave me the excellent advice to just go and pretend that it’s not awkward. This sounds dumb, but it actually worked. I was fine and I could tell he was kind of uncomfortable/nervous. I think my confidence may have freaked him out.

Now it’s already 3:00 and the day is sucking. I had my phone interview, but right before it, I got hit with 2 emergencies and a panicked phone call from my boss, so that definitely affected my tone and such I’m sure. Plus the conversation lasted all of ten minutes, and while I felt I gave decent answers, it was still just ten minutes. I felt like I didn’t learn anything about the job and that she didn’t learn anything about me. Blah.

You know what? Dating is, so far, about as much fun as job interviewing.

I was whining to my friend Michael last night about the job search and he gave me a smack down that I probably had coming to me. He pointed out that I have a job, a car, and savings and that living at home is not a bad situation.

This I know. He also pushed on “you need to find resources and use them.” Which I am not good at doing. Especially since I have no resources to start from. Which is probably why I am 27 and answering someone else’s phone.

I keep reading posts lately along the lines of ‘what would you do if you had nothing to fear and/or could not fail’ and how, if you want something you need to figure out what you need to do in order to get it, and START DOING THOSE THINGS.

Maybe this is the problem: I don’t know exactly what I want. I know I want to live in the city (or a city) again. I know I don’t want to answer someone’s phones (although I would likely happily accept an admin position if it were at the type of organization I want to work at long-term). But I don’t know who to talk to, or how to “network” or how to fearlessly go about pursuing my dreams because I don’t have a dream, not exactly.

It’d be too extreme to claim that I don’t want anything (because clearly, I want to get out of Jersey, and I want to live in a city, and I want to have a life again) but I think in a way I’ve always been directionless. I didn’t have a “dream school” when it was college applications time. (And I felt pressured to have a dream school; so I picked Hampshire, and we all know how well that worked out.) I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation, I just knew I wanted to get the hell out of college. (So I graduated early and moved to the city. For a boy). I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. (So I went to grad school, claiming I wanted a PhD.)

I don’t know. And all those tricks, all those multiple choice tests that are supposed to reveal your perfect career to you are not helpful, at all. There are various things I am interested in and various paths I could take. However, I need to get a job along one of those paths before I can determine how I can be successful there. All I know if that I’m in legal and I don’t want to be in legal.I don’t want to go to law school. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t even want to be a paralegal, although I will do that in DC to get me there, if I need to. (I just don’t think it would be particularly helpful)

I don’t know. I didn’t say anything to Michael, but his approach to me was completely unhelpful and just made me feel worse and MORE hopeless about the situation, because all the things he was telling me to do aren’t really relevant to my situation. Sure, the natural response to that may be to MAKE them relevant, but they’re just…not. I AM doing things; not the things that he would have me do, but I am doing things, lots of different things, but there’s only so much you can do. There are just not jobs. And I’m still here and not DC, which severely limits the networking possibilities.

I really want to buy into the idea that it is always darkest just before dawn and all that, because while I’m not quite at the end of my rope, I think I’m getting there faster than I would have liked.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/20/oodles-of-angst/feed/ 0 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/15/fear-and-self-loathing-in-nj/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/15/fear-and-self-loathing-in-nj/#comments Tue, 15 Jun 2010 16:53:09 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6881 Fact: Obsessively checking your email is unhealthy whether you are waiting for responses from boys or from jobs. I know I said in the past that maybe boys could at least distract me from the fruitless job search, but I think at the end of the day I just wind up double insane.

I am going to actually LEAVE THE OFFICE during my lunch break, because I don’t know, fresh air, or some such nonsense. But it never fails: I go out (and while this is, in sum, likely healthier than sitting in front of the computer for that hour) and am so disappointed to return to an empty inbox.

(I really need to get a life) ((I KNOW THAT! THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO)) (I am talking to myself via parentheticals. Clearly progress is stalled)

Fact: I will never get a new job or a boyfriend.

And yes, I know that is entirely too fatalistic, and that if I were the type of blogger who had many readers, I would likely get a dozen comments about how that is not true. However, I will never, nor to I aspire to, be the type of blogger with a lot of readers (probaby because I have a bad attitude) and so when I make this statement, I am not fishing for comments but merely admitting to myself that that is what I feel (and fear). Putting it in words means that it is real, so I am loathe to do so, but there is it.

I am not supposed to fear; in fact, fear is supposed to be the enemy, the underlying source of all misery (that is what I have been told, over and over again). But it is there. I haven’t had one in person interview (other than the Libertarian fellowship) and in the past 6 months I’ve generally managed to be waiting on one possibility at almost all times. (It helped that one company took two months of interviewing to reject me). Now I am not waiting on any possibilities, I just have applications out that will not get responses. I am out of places to look. My network is quiet. I am back down to no leads, no prospects, and no hope.

As for boys, I haven’t been on a date in more than two years, if you can even call O-L-B a date, which is likely even more pathetic.

I’m going to go for a drive now, and try to resurrect the decent mood I was clinging on to this morning. Self pity is not a pretty color on me.

I have written this mildly snarky cover letter and I am trying to decide whether I should actually submit it, with my real resume. This is to a Prestigious Non-Profit, that I have applied to many, many times for multiple positions and never gotten a response. I suspect that when they post a position, they already have someone (or several potential someones) and the public posting is just there because it is required by lawCut for career whining

I don’t expect this place to ever hire me and I don’t really want to work there anymore (I’d never refuse a job with them, but have basically decided it isn’t worth my effort) and I’m trying to work up the nerve to submit it, just to see if I get a response. Probably not. I can’t be the only one who submits sarcastic cover letters.

There’s nothing else going on in my life except the job search. I know that I should try to find other things to fill my time, but I’m trapped in that head space where I feel like I can’t do anything until I solve the job problem. It’s not as bad as I felt when I was unemployed; far from it (standard disclaimer about how I am grateful to be employed) but when people ask what I do, it’s a breathless rush to explain that I’m doing this now but I’m looking for something else, the economy is just bad and it’s been bad since I graduated and…

And all I’ve ever had are jobs. Nothing has been a career. I have drifted from assistantship to assistantship. First it was that I wasn’t staying anywhere long enough for it to become a career (pre-grad school) and then it was the disasterous Job-That-Wasn’t and for nearly two years, I’ve been here. And there’s no where to go here.

When I’m driving, especially when I’m on my lunch break, I’m composing paragraphs in my head, 99.9% of which will never hit paper. Yesterday, I was thinking about satirical cover letters, and the finished product is not the project I was imagining – I attempted to write that, but only have two paragraphs thus far. And the day before that, I was thinking it had been awhile since I chronicled my utter sap-titude, and my West Wing obsession has certainly given more fodder for my hopeless romantic obsession, and I was writing all these lovely sentences about it. But apparently, I am only poetic when gray matter is the canvas.

So anyway, it’s Friday, and I haven’t had nearly enough caffeine, but the cafeteria in this new office space is far, far away.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/11/day-11/feed/ 3 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/09/oh-take-me-back-to-the-start/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/09/oh-take-me-back-to-the-start/#comments Wed, 09 Jun 2010 15:39:47 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6853 I am hoping the mental and physical act of writing this entry will clear my mind and force me to do things today. You see, I think I have unconsciously let the seduction of possibility lapse me into a state of non-action. You see, there’s this job:  this job, that there wasn’t going to be any possibility of me getting for various bureaucratic reasons, but then, miracle of miracles, this job was actually available. And as I almost always do when a job with actual potential, I’ve projected. Even though I have mentally prepared myself for every possible disappointment, my mind has already given two week’s notice and moved into this job’s DC offices.

In reality, this position is likely not going to be filled, period, due to budget constraints, etc. The organization is dragging their feet and I’ve been playing hurry up and wait for nearly two weeks. I should use my time in a more productive manner, obviously.

(Guess how many times I reloaded my email in between writing those two paragraphs)

Also, I have sent into the universe, an invitation for coffee, with an actual day. Not just a “we should have coffee sometime.” Well, that’s how it started, but perhaps it’s the hurry up and wait of the job hunt, or perhaps it’s just my advanced age, but I have no patience to play a game, and so I asked him to coffee on Sunday, and said “suggest another date if that’s no good.” This likely breaks more than one unwritten rule, and makes me too available, but I am so sick of games, and this isn’t even a date.

And, because I am incapable of not talking about my job search for more than 5 minutes: going back to what I said in the first paragraph, I need to force myself to do things today. There are literally ten jobs for which I am qualified enough to put applications into.  Ten! That’s a lot in this lousy economy. I need to just do it. I need to pretend this other alluring opportunity doesn’t exist. Because at this point in the process, it almost doesn’t.

It’s just that it would be so much easier if this job were to work out. But nobody said this would be easy. (I am obligated to add “no one ever said it would be this hard” even though 1) I am not a Coldplay fan. 2) They weren’t talking about job hunting. 3) It’s not 2003.)

This company has been teasing me with this job for nearly TWO months. I have been through four interviews with them ove r the course of seven weeks, only to be rejected with a generic “have decided to move forward with other candidates” email. No, the last round of interviews did not go well, but until I heard officially, I couldn’t help holding on to some hope.

That pretty much ends that. I’m not getting out of here. I actually thought I might be able to get out of here before the summer.

I am so SICK of this. I don’t know what’s different between now and two months ago but there has been a definite drop in the number and quality of  job postings. And there’s nothing even remotely like the Seven Week Tease job. It was one of those perfect fit jobs where I met all the qualifications, and it was such a niche thing and none of the similar companies have this particular department/specialization. This is the only thing I had out there that I even had a prayer of getting. I am so disappointed and so hopeless about my future job prospects. Not just for this job search, for this desire to get to D.C. but FOREVER.  If I can’t even get this job, for which I am oh-so-qualified and where I charmed my would-be boss, how the fuck am I ever going to get a job, period?

I know the only thing to do is to just keep looking, keep applying, keep making my pathetic attempts at networking. But rejection is so frustrating, and so seemingly irrational that it saps my motivation.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/19/seven-weeks-for-nothing/feed/ 0 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/16/friday-hodgepodge/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/16/friday-hodgepodge/#comments Fri, 16 Apr 2010 14:24:53 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6709 I have a few not-even-half written posts sitting in my draft folder. It’s been a weird week. After the latest rejection, I combated my wallowing with my version of Damage Control. This translated into my first fledgling attempts at networking and a revised (again) resume. Joe did say that the new one is “impressive,” so I guess something good has come from the rejection. However, the thought that immediately follows is along the lines of “So what? It isn’t doing me any good NOW.”

I am impatient, etc, etc. I’ve expressed that here a thousand times. Nothing new to see here. Intellectually I know that, theoretically, this super-improved resume could make a difference, but the job post pickings have been slim all of April.  I’m so sick of thinking about this.

And I also don’t have anything else to write about. It’s like I can’t wrap my brain around any other subject. The only activities I’ve been doing are reading YA/kids books (I can’t concentrate on anything ‘real’) and online window shopping. I find myself keeping the TV on in the background but not actually watching it, so low is my concentration level.

Things keeping me sane, or at least keeping me from being too insane: Joe, various random e-mail conversations, the fact that I’ve been managing to keep my room in order, and that in some outfits, it certainly seems as if I’ve lost weight. I don’t weighmyself, so I don’t really know if that’s accurate, but my clothes have been fitting slightly differently.

Things making me insane: Impending office move (and the need to pack/archive/sort through literally thousands of files, the lack of job postings, and online application systems – I hate them.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/16/friday-hodgepodge/feed/ 1 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/08/it-sounds-absurd/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/08/it-sounds-absurd/#comments Thu, 08 Apr 2010 20:01:09 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6691 It’s the elephant in the room, even though I’m alone. All day, I compose posts of half thoughts and boring randomosities, as if to say “Look! Look at me NOT write about job hunting.”

Because there’s not much to tell. But then, there is. There’s this place that I had a first, and then a very good second interview (via phone). And then I heard from HR they wanted to schedule a third! And then there was a week of frustration where HR wasn’t communicating with me, and I was stressing and reloading my email and trying to figure out what was going on. But I didn’t write about it. I didn’t want to indulge my anxiety, because it was out of my control, and I kept telling myself that they already said they wanted to interview me, they’ll get in touch.

Finally, today I had the third phone interview. Since it was scheduled on Tuesday, I’ve been preparing. And not writing about it, because I haven’t written about the first two, and I didn’t want to get all excited in writing and then have to write about NOT getting it.  After all my talk and obsessing and waiting over the Libertarian Fellowship, it was really hard to come here and write about NOT getting it. And really, I didn’t even write about it; I just mentioned it, as in, “this is what happened.’

Silly I know; another psychological trick I play on myself.

The third phone interview did not go well. Too much inanity on my part. I don’t think my tone was what I wanted it to be. It didn’t “click’ with the interviewers (I had two seperate phone calls). I didn’t feel it clicked. Whereas my 2nd phone interview made me feel energized about the job, and like it was some place that I actually wanted to work, these two interviews left me thinking that maybe it was for the better that they were going poorly because the job and team and company sounded boring and awful.

So that’s that. I don’t have anything of note to say on the subject. I know that my optimism and projecting were definitely ramped up since I scheduled the interview and that I should know better (and kept catching myself and telling myself not to project). Nothing else to do but go on to the next application, but I’m so sick of writing cover letters and getting no response and this was the only interview(s) I’ve had since the Libertarian Fellowship.

I don’t want to write about this. I am so sick of writing entries about job hunting and the frustration and disappointment and anxiety that surrounds them. And part of me knows that really, it still hasn’t been that bad (especially given that I’m employed), I haven’t been looking for that long. I know what I’m trying to do, too. I’m trynig to contruct a point of utter frustration, where I throw in the towel and that’s when the magic job appears. That’s what happened with The First Great NYC Job Hunt, and so I can help half-hoping that that’s all it will take.

I know that’s silly. But that’s where my thought process goes, even when I reign it in and try to pretend I haven’t considered it.

And with that I took a few weeks off of LJ for The Great NYC Job and Apartment search. I found the apartment first, in late June, and then HWSNBN ended things officially, and I kept going on interviw after interview (mostly with temp agencies) for lousy receptionist and administrative positions, mostly at finance places. One place blended in to the next. I didn’t write about it and an interview in and of itself was nothing to mention, because I had scads of them, 99%of which I walked out of knowing that there was no chance of getting the job.

I don’t want to write about job hunting anymore. I don’t want to write about my frustrations, and my moments of hope and plans that may or may not be foiled by circumstances out of my control.

Right now, I’m pretty resigned. I’m pretty much Here for the long-haul, until the big company changes go through and make my job vanish. I’m going to stop wasting my time with federal job applications, because right now I don’t have the time or energy to put into crafting the time of answers you need to get your application looked at. When I’m unemployed, with nothing but time, then I’ll dedicate the hours each one of those takes.

Right now, I’m kind of ok with that. I’ll focus my attention on the good things about Jersey. I’ll enjoy the last few months of Joe being around before he heads off the California. I’ll participate in our efforts to rally for another friend. I’ll go to the CFL meeting tomorrow night (maybe…it’s all the way at the eastern edge of the county, which is about as far away from my house as you can get, plus I’d be coming from work.)

I reserve the right to write an entry completely the opposite of this one any time in the next 24 hours to 30 days, because as a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind, and as I mildly angsty almost late-20s something, I reserve the right to turn everything into an existential crises.

But I think my head is back in the game. I actually LOOKED at postings today.

March was pretty much a total failure. I went to the gym ONCE, I did not get my Quintessential Nice Summer Dress altered, and I cancelled my dentist appointment. Today I was feeling guilty, so I made another dentist appointment, this time with some guy who is 5 minutes from work and advertises dental hypnosis on his website and is probably a quack, but I am ok with that.

Oh and I also decided I am no longer going to check my work email from home. I’m not “supposed” to anyway.

Tomorrow is another day.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/03/30/reset/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/03/08/sick-of-it/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/03/08/sick-of-it/#comments Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:48:03 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6624 The place where my head goes when I’m trying to fall asleep is not pretty. In the dark, before I’ve slipped into sleep I still have those thoughts where I remember embarrassing moments and cringe. I still catalogue regrets, going back as far as college. I find myself angry at myself. I am mad at me for not being able to “snap out of it,” for wasting those years, for missing the quintessential college experience. For not studying hard enough. For not taking advantage of every opportunity. For not even knowing I wasn’t taking advantage of every opportunity.

Even when I’m having these thoughts, I know that by the light of day I can attack them on several fronts. But that doesn’t stop the feelings of regret that bubble up at 1 AM. And then it’s 9:30 in the morning and I’m sitting at work texting with Michael, thinking that maybe I should go get another Master’s degree, to make up for the way I screwed myself out of opportunities with the first one. But as my aforementioned thinking of the college experience shows, in order to feel that I was truly rectifying past mistakes, I’d have to do college over.

See what I mean about this type of thinking being entirely unhelpful?

I know this, and yet sometimes it is still there, and denying that it’s still there dosen’t seem to be particularly helpful either.

I have always been the type to want to take back the past. Even when I was young, as far back as 4th or 5th grade, the things I wished for most vehemently were do-overs.  I used to be far more myopic, part of me convinced that the only way to avenge the old me would be to invent a time machine. Now there’s a part of me which manages to see that the best “revenge” is to live a good life.

But it’s still possible to get tangled up in the possibilites for a good life, or a better life that could have been, had I not done X, or if I had only chosen Y.

It’s too early in the week to be this much of a downer. I have no energy or motivation on the job application front. The enthusiasm with which I attacked Federal Job applications last month seems to have waned. Perhaps it’s another sign that I should not be frentically applying for jobs that I’m not thrilled with the prospect of, but for some of them, all I see is dollar signs, and really, there are worse reasons to do things. But I’m staring at pages of “multiple choice and explain your answer” questions on my experience communicating and scheduling and administrating and while I do have all the requisite experience and can give the clear examples they’re looking for, my motivation to write those perfectly worded explanations of my ability to be a glorified secretary is just not there.

I’d say the only thing I need is a break from the job applications, but I barely did anything last week and this week is going to be equally busy and I can’t get a job if I don’t apply and it’s already a week into March and I’m not closer than I was at the beginning of January.

And then I get this notice about bills that are overdue (at work. Not my own personal bills) from this vendor that keeps screwing up and it just sets off the annoyance.

I know I need patience and gratitude, among other things, but it’s 9:45 on a Monday morning and it’s not happening right now.