Yes, I just quoted an N’SYNC song. I have always used to song in reference to Jon, Joe, and Brent, the guys I was ridiculously close to in high school. Since high school, we’ve all maintained (or sometimes failed to maintain) varying degrees of closeness with each other. There’s plenty of tales I can tell about my relationship with each one of them and they could all do the same.

Until yesterday though, we had not all been in the same room together for over 7 years. Without planning it, we’d all wound up in our hometown at the same time. We met up at The Diner. It doesn’t have the same name, or the same decor, or the same owner as when we were in high school. It’s also the last place the four of us were together.

It is crazy to me that seven years passed. And in so many ways, nothing has changed. Yes, Jon had to ask “Are you dating anyone?” because he doesn’t know – why would he? We had to catch each other up on job situations and grad school plans and living arrangements. But Jon still slid into his seat and pushed a small ceramic plate in front of me – because smoking is now banned, and so there’s no glass ashtray. Because they all still remember the time that I threw an ashtray at Jon after enduring a little too much teasing.

(I didn’t actually throw an ashtray. I was going to, realized how heavy it was and tossed my keys at him instead. They will hear nothing of that, and still tell the story of the time I hurled a glass ashtray at Jon’s head.)

These guys still make me laugh harder than anyone else on the planet. Around them, I laugh in public, loudly, so that I wind up covering my mouth to suppress the giggles and hiding my face in embarassment that I’m being so loud. They’re missing the fact and figures about my every day life, but they still know me.

There was a time in my life, when I could sit with the three of them, and it didn’t matter what else was going on, because I had this. These are three people who have hurt me, and who I have hurt – one far more than the other two.  Three people who have witnessed the last seven years of my life from varying degrees of closeness, or sometimes now at all, and yet when I called one of them this past April, to finally catch him up on what a mess I was making he said “Why didn’t you tell us? We would have been there for you!” It didn’t matter that he too had grown apart from the others. They would have been there, if I had asked.

It shouldn’t surprise me, really, because if any one of them asked, I’d be there, without even thinking about it. It wouldn’t even occur to me to wonder why they were asking.  Because so many years later, I can still sit with the three of them, and know that whatever “this” was, still exists.

There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever who know you in this way that other people can’t because they’ve seen you change. They’ve let you change

This evening we’ve just been hanging out watching TV, talking about Obama insanity. I have a kitty next to me. The plan for the rest of the day is to do little to nothing because Monday/Tuesday are going to be INSANITY. I’m going to bawl like a baby on Tuesday. My dad did wind up at the concert at the Lincoln Memorial, but was so far away that it was on major delay.

I am so psyched about playing the crowds tomorrow. LIBERTARIANS FOR OBAMA!

I’m sitting in the Nashville airport, where my flight is delayed (as expected)

I had the absolute best time in Knoxville, and not because of anything we did, neccessarily, just because I had so much fun just hanging out with Ellie and David, watching House, talking about dorky things, and laughing over said dorky things. It’s so weird – logically, I never should have wound up on Message Board of Note., given that I was a sporadic, at best H&R poster. But I have made some of the best friends I could imagine making through Message Board of Note.

And her fluffy cat Maggie is sitting next to me on the couch, where she had planted herself since I sat down here with my laptop. And she is VERY offended every time I get up or move. And I am a fidgety person, so I am offending her a lot.

So I got to Nashville, where people are very friendly. On my walk from the gate to baggage claim people kept making eye contact. Met up with Ellie, drove to Knoxville, and watched lots of House/cat napped. David got home, dinner was gotten, and much, much amusement was had by me (and I hope all). Gossiping about Message Board of Note was included of course. I am very happy to be here. Jersey admittedly gets pretty lonely, and it is just good to be around people like this sometimes.

In other news, i got a bunch of concerned texts over the course of the day. Apparently, OLB is back to posting on  about this girl he’s having drama with and blah blah blah, and he’s meeting up with her to figure things out. And except for David, other David & Ellie, the details aren’t well enough known, so many of the guys could have easily thought he was talking about me, wanted to say it was a dick move, and wanted to make sure I was okay/not meeting up with him, etc.

This was a little paranoid inducing, since I was not at the computer to check this out for myself. But it was all fine, I knew he wasn’t talking about me. And it’s really nice to know that the guys care, and that they have my back on this one.

I’m still having general fretting about the job. This is temporary, and I need to find something that will get me health insurance, and oh, stablity.

I’m impatient. I want my answers and solutions, like, yesterday. I try to remind myself to live in the day and the day goes by pretty fast once it hits 11:00ish or so.

With school, and work, I think I’m the good kind of busy, but I suspect it’s also the lonely type of busy. And I’ll wind up burned out and depressed. He asked me the question I dread “What do you do for fun.”

I gave him the honest answer “I don’t remember.”

I related how Lear is basically my social life, and David doesn’t think it’s sad, he thinks it’s a good sign of building healthy relationships, given that I have not done too well in that department.  He also offered t ocome hang out in the City with me sometimes. “Looking out for a friend,” he called it, and as much as I loathe to admit it, I like that someone is looking out for me.

The rest of the weekend was interesting. It included a drunk dial from HWSNBN, a text message from Dru that made me smile a ridiculous amount, and other grylliade-goodness, and just hanging around Astoria.

Friday, I met up with Michael. Michael had been staying with his boyfriend, but had broken up with him that morning. So we took a long walk through the East Village/Alphabet City, SoHo, etc. Michael suggested we stop & just chill out out in the cafe at the Whole Foods on E. Bway, and I was all snobby, like “Your’e going to come to New York and hang out in a whole foods?!?!” He was amused, laughed, and said “There’s the Rachel I know & love.” Once again, ti’s good to feel like myself again.

We walked some more and wound up at a cafe somewhere off 7th Ave on Bank Street. It was very good to catch up with Michael. He vented about his situation with his boyfriend and how he didn’t want to end things, but he couldn’t see things changing.

“Sometimes doing the right thing feels awful, but it’s better than doing the wrong thing” Those are the words Brent told me after I “ended’ things with HWSNBN, omg, back in the summer of 2004, FOUR YEARS AGO OMG I AM SO OLD.

We also talked about what I’d been venting about to Jim – how you shouldn’t have to work to get some one to like you. Relationships of all kinds take work. YOu do your best and they do their best, presumably. And if they’re not, you get the hell out.

Even though OLB was a repeat of my MO, at least I got out after 4 months instead of letting it drag — and even 4 months was pushing it.

Anyway, I saw Michael off to Port Authority — he just wanted to get home. That night, I wathced firework from the roof. Before the big Macy’s show you could see fireworks from other, smaller shows (Southport, Bronx, etc) plenty of do-it-yourself ones from nearby. I chatted with the guys on the neighboring roof, yay for meeting neighbors!

Late-late Friday night, i got a VERY interesting voicemail from HWSNBN. And then he drunk dialed me again and um…that was…interesting. He was trashed and I totally played that for all it was worth, basically taunting him with the fact that he could have had me anytime he wanted and he totally blew it. Anyway, I take the whole thing as a grain of salt, but still so entertaining. I still don’t quite get why now, since we broke up 4 years ago, but whatever, I’m not offended.

I have all these things that I want to write about (moreover, that I NEED to write about, just for the record, and for my own mental health) but I have no attention span/concentration lately.

The past 10 days went something like this:

Friday: Somewhat stupid decision to see HWSNBN when he texted me. Oops
Saturday: Sick. Psycho-somatic? Ha!
Sunday: Sleeping, late lunch with the Astoria girls
Monday: I forget what I did Monday.
Tuesday: Wrote out the full week’s calendar, woo-hoo. Watched the election stuff
Wednesday: Bob Barr!
Thursday: Finished important writing project. Bought a dress.
Friday: Presented important project. Received lots of praise. Walked on a cloud for the afternoon. Texted extensively with Ohio. Also interesting email from OLB. (When it rains it pours, and I will still never understand boys.) Then proceeded to do something stupid.
Saturday: Talked to Jill-IAN. Caught up. Assessed. Analyzed.
Saturday night/Sunday: Tried not to pass out from the heat in my apartment, drank lots of Gatorade, sweat
Monday: Supremely icky news from insurance company. Spent most of the day on the phone with them
Tuesday: More insurance drama. Mostly solved now, but will not have final answers until the end of the week and will be a ball of anxiety until then. Also, residual angst from Friday.

Some things coming up in the next 10 days, and lots of random plans/ideas and things on my mind.

I should probably make up a glossary for all the monikers. Ha.

It was not until I saw him standing on Second Avenue, smoking a cigarette Sunday morning, that I was reminded how much I miss him as a daily presence in my life. For over a year, I saw him every single weekday, and most of them he made me laugh, and he is also the first friend I made when I moved to the city the first time.

I saw CK Sunday morning. I emphasize “morning” because he decided we should get to the Libertarian meet-up we were planning on attending at 10:30, instead of 1 PM. I thought this was idiotic, but went along. And you know, I now further understand why people are so turned off to Libertarian Party. I mean, people who want to be left alone are the type generally attracted to Libertarianism. But these people were definitely suffering from the geek social afflictions that Ellie posted about last week  We were swarmed. CK was freaked out, and dragged me out of there.

Because CK has always had me wrapped around his finger (not in any romantic sense) I didn’t really protest. Desperation is really ugly. Just leave us alone and let us be here.

Oh and of course the short time we were there I was the only woman in the room. Earlier, CK had teased me, when we were wondering aloud wtf we were doing out so early on a Sunday, if I was using the event to pick up Libertarian men. “I’m not going to be your Libertarian wingman Rachel. It’s too early for that. I can’t believe you got me out of bed this early.” “I didn’t hold a gun to your head,” I replied, the perfect LIbertarian response. But apparently, I’m really predictable, because I had already been accused of using the event for the same reasons. I’m glad everyone realizes what my priorities are.

And so I let him buy me brunch and then we walked around the East Village. He made me laugh a lot, as usual. We exchanged our typical cynicism and pragmatism (prag-mat-a-a-cist) and had our little silences where we both realize; “Damn. That’s accurate.”

We hugged  good-bye before getting on the subway, and we made vows to get Ukranian food & beer sooner, rather than later. I delayed going home by stopping at the Strand, and having conversations in the history section. At home, I started cooking a giant pot of stew and watched My So Called Life DVDs. I really shouldn’t be so anti-social, but the morning was social enough for me.

I am all over the map this month. Go away, October.

Anyway, my high school friend Joe, who’ve I just recently gotten back in touch with due to the fact that we work across the street from each other and saw each other on the bus all the time when I was briefly commuting from Jersey, agreed to be my date for the black tie event I had to attend for work. He agreed with no begging on my part, just a “Sure, when do I need to be there?” Because old friends are awesome.

I called Lisa up, who i haven’t spoken to in forever, just to tell her about this agreement, and she told me that “This entire ordeal with you being a grown up is too surreal and upsets my always tenuous equilibrium. In addition to Joe’s capacity for predictable decorum, he has also grown up a bit and no longer is our “little Joe.”

Which I relayed to Joe, and he was like “yeah, that’s pretty much accurate.” But for the record, the evening went very well. Joe was exactly the perfect date. He kept me talking throughout whenever it was just the two of us standing around, because anyone from staff was either a) important enough to be schmoozing with donors b) had to work the front door. (I am still not sure why my presence was required…whatever)

He kept me talking which prevented me from wringing my hands, biting my nails, or looking overly awkward. There was massive amount of delicious sushi. I drank too much wine, but that had no ill effects, because we were seated with the scientists, not staff for some reason. This was actually a pretty good situation, as Joe was a physics major in college, and chatted up the science people. I am completely floored by Joe’s ability to seamlessly socialize with various individuals at the table. He kept me from being a nervous wreck. Joe has known me for nearly a decade and thus is familiar with my particular brand of neurosis and was able to balance it well. Ladies, Joe is a total catch, my new mission is to find him a girlfriend.

So the evening went very well and thank god it is over, but also being a grown up is fucking scary. I really think I’m still pretty clueless on the ‘life plan’ level. My job is stable and I like it, and it’s a pretty cool organization (this was just confirmed to me tenfold because of the presentations on Sunday. My organization funds some really awesome work and I should be proud to be a small part of it)

I’m just…I don’t know right now. I feel okay about my job, but I’m not sure where I can go from it in the long run. I know I’ve only been there for two months, but I’m already thinking along the lines of that there is nowhere to really go from where I am and that’s…frustrating. I have my expensive education and it’s like if I ever want to do more than what I’m doing now I’m going to have to go elsewhere.

I may ultimately want something else, even though I should be perfectly grateful with what I’ve got, job and apartment wise, because for another example of how much of a jerk I am, right now I am back at Freeze Peach in the Ditmars area, and as amazingly awesome as my apartment is the location will never be Ditmars….

Most people would say I”m in a better location now, more transportation options, etc, but Ditmars is home. Ditmars feels right. I don’t think my new location ever will feel quite right, and that makes me sad because it is an AWESOME apartment, but I think I’d take back my humble abode on 21st Avenue too.

As I suspected I would, I miss my previous life as an Astorian.  I don’t know what’s next, and I ALWAYS know what’s next. So I”m trying to take a deep breath and go to bed early tonight, because god damnit, I’m a smart girl and I’ll figure this the hell out.

So today I found at that, because I’m senior staff, I’m officially invited to the NYC Gala on Sunday. I get to put on a pretty dress and schmooze. I was going to bring Drew as my date, but he can’t go, which is probably for the better due to his habit of cursing loudly at the most inopportune moments. So Joe is taking me. It didn’t even take begging, I was just like “Hey Joe, I need a date for Sunday night. Do you have a suit?” And he said “Of course.” Joe is actually a better person to go with me than Drew, because despite our lack of keeping in touch over the years his tolerance of the nerves I’m sure to have is far closer to “unconditional” than Drew.

I’m excited! It will be a good chance to get to know the other girls at work better and the presentations are actually going to be really interesting.

It’s still humid and icky. I have to go do laundry but then I’m going to get some sushi and watch House & SVU with my roommate. Tomorrow after work I’m going dress shopping. I haven’t bought a dress in this manner since prom.

I also have a writing idea for either NaNo or in general. Year Eight may get written afterall.

Dear You,

Last Monday, I met up with Rich and it was spectacularly undramatic. We caught up, exchanged a little bit of gossip, and even buried my face in my hands in amused embarrassment and disbelief at one of the stunts we pulled off. It was good to see him and even better to find that we’ve both mellowed. Even when I tried to press the point about just how much I know that what I did was wrong and stupid, he shrugged it off. We toasted to NOT being on the paths we were headed the last time we were friends. When I left, we exchanged a hug and he told me “Keep in touch.” And then; “but not too much.” And I know exactly what he means.

This Monday, I ran into Joe, who I have not seen for more than five minutes since another “dramatic” moment which I roll my eyes at, over 5 years ago. We caught up. I told him about my antics in New York pre-grad school, he told me about his job(s), unemployment, and thoughts on grad school. He told me that he would vote me “most changed” since high school and while there are fundamental ways that I will possibly never change that was the best compliment anyone could give.

Michael: I’m in Penn Station and I’m going to catch a train up to Boston, want to come with me?
Me: NO! I hate Boston!
Michael: But if you were meeting me it wouldn’t suck
Me: I can’t anyway, I have my libertarian gathering.
Michael: Hmmm… interesting Anyway, I’m going to buy you a present in Boston, since I know you love it so much
Me: You’re only buying me something to spite me you obnoixous prick.
Michael: It’s out of love, babe, LOVE FOR BOSTON.

Hurray for the east coast. I have had delicious pizza and bagels and thus life is good.

In my last days in Chicago, I managed to have some fun. I had a drink at the Lounge in the John Hancock building. I jumped in Lake Michigan with all my clothes on. I met up with Adrienne for lunch. Adrienne is a high school acquintence of mine whom I’ve known via Onstage tech and decathlon. Adrienne is one of those people whom I’ve always wished I got to know better.

Final thoughts on MAPSS?

Well, it wasn’t the worst way to spend 9 months.

Scene: Chris, trying to convince me that my thesis is not a failure.
Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll say it again ‘An MA in 9 months is way more productive than getting knocked up’
Chris: Yeah that only takes a day. Or like, 10 minutes!

Well, I did get a boyfriend this year, so at least I’ve accomplished something
-Sarah

I am not qualified for any job my MA could get me
-Eric

Who is this “Chad” person?
-someone’s thesis advisor

What’s wrong with the people in your program? They always look so depressed
-CIR person

I don’t know anyone who’s said ‘MAPSS was a great experience! I’m so glad I came!’
-the conclusion of last week’s conversation

Damnit, I should have done CIR!
-me

MAPSS lies
-the general consensus

E-mail, from Drucifer
“When do you come back, bitch???
Me, back to Drucifer
“Around June 24th. Also, I graduate in 10 days”
Drucifer: excellent, sounds super stellar swell terrific times!!
Me:  I’m glad you are enthusiastic about my homecoming. i feel special
Drucifer: I made out with a girl last night

And that is, strictly ironically, the way we roll.

Anyway, clearly I am way to L&O SVU obsessed

Other things. Chris and Emily are awesome people for talking me through the academic drama last week. Because at the end of the day, this program is almost over. I’m going to be done and I’m one of the few graduating in June and I’m very happy with that. 

I still have tons to do for my two finals and no motivation. And it seems like further to go then it really is, I think. I’m less than 3 weeks away from being just another unemployed Masters Degree!

It was around the fourth drink that Jill-IAN turned to me and said, in her uber Brooklyn accent “You know, 2007 better be better than 2006.”

I clucked my tongue and sympathized with her – she’s had a rough year, losing her job and worse, getting brutally dumped back in May.

Drew chimes in that 2006 hasn’t been that bad, it’s just the whole getting played by the girl he had feelings for totally sucked

And so I add that my love life is DOA, but 2006 has been a pretty damn good year. Maybe even the best of years.

Jill considers this for a moment. “You know,” she says. “I love you and I love Drew. Getting to know you has been one of the best things that could’ve happen to me.”

We embrace, because we’re a little drunk — hence the gushing — but the gesture is heartfelt nonetheless.

“I agree,” I tell her. “You saved me; you’re part of why I was able to make this such a good year.”

“Awww, Neumsy,” she says in the voice she reserves for moments like this. Then she switches back to Brooklyn-tough. “What about you Drew? We’ve like, improved your life significantly, haven’t we?”
“Of course,” he answers sardonically.

I raise my Sam Adams – only $3 here, our favorite dive bar way the hell out in Brooklyn – “To our love lives sucking less in 2007.”

Amen.