I restrained from posting earlier, when I was at the beginning of a panic attack, over something that certainly did not warrant panic, and babblig about it would have made it worse.  (Every is ok now. Not that it wasn’t in the first place)

My co-worker was teasing me about it, to which I shrugged and said “Residuals from my last job. It still gives me nightmares.” (Because more than two years later, it still does)

It seems I have not yet let go of NaBloPoMo, so I was thinking of extending it. How long, I don’t know. 100 days is a nice even number, but there’s the challenge of my vacation in mid-August.

Speaking of mid-August. There’s a gathering in St. Louis in August of people from Message Board of Note. The last time we had one of these was the much mentioned, disasterous Chicago trip. The weekend where everything that went wrong, did go wrong. (Through copicious fault on my own, and also because O-L-B was/is a total jackass).

O-L-B isn’t going to be there (if he was, I would be 100% not going. The thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl) and neither will Ohio, so the potential for drama factor is low. But I still don’t know if it’s a good idea. Plus, it falls right at the end of my already planned family-friends vacation. In order to go, I’d have to leave Rhode Island a couple days ealier than intended. And while it’s not prohibitively expensive, I really should throw that money at paying off my car, if I’m going to enact A Plan by next February.

That’s a lot in the “con” column, lets talk about pros. Pro is that I would get to see Ellie, who I have not seen in way too long. Pro is that I would get to meet a few people in person who I have not already met. (Con: Minus Ellie, none of my most favorite people will be there.) Pro is that I would probably have fun once I got there, despite the seeming dread, and lord knows I could use  a little fun in my life.

I don’t know, so I’ m putting off the decision.

I really need to go back to the philosophy of One Day At A Time. When you immerse yourself in it, it is surprisingly effective. I didn’t know that before March 2009, but now I am a reluctant (if also forgetful) believer.

I have had “Half of my Heart” (John Mayer) stuck in my head for about a week now. And I only know the chorus.

And I am freaking out over logistics for next week.

I am not wired for this. I am built only to handle the mundane. Or at least, that’s what these two years have gifted me; an inordinate ability to do the same thing day in and day out and not shoot myself in the head, and not really seek out anything other than what is right in front of me. (Other than, you know, my obsessive job applicationing.)

I have no idea where I am going, either with this entry, or any of these sentences.

Yesterday, a series of things that Give Me Hope (like FML, but with hope), to put me under the spell of “Maybe this time.”

When I have hope, I love it (albeit cautiously). When I don’t have it, I hate it and want it in equal proportions.

I warn myself not to project, not to plan, and not to get my hopes up. But…they’re already up. And so maybe I should just enjoy it? Because I know by now that it won’t last. A job won’t come through. What is easy conversation via gchat will be stilted and awkward. My email box will sit empty.

But, I drove home from work last night, and swear to god I had not thought of this song in years, but I caught myself humming “You Gotta Have Heart” from Damn Yankees. Specifically I’m thinking of this part:

Totally lame, but in the moment, it sounded pretty good to me, for all the obvious reasons. Maybe being stuck as a glorified secretary whilst marooned at my parents house in Jersey is NOT the career/life/whatever death sentence I’ve been seeing it as. I don’t so much buy into “everything happens for a reason” – I believe it’s human nature to Monday morning quarterback things without even realizing it, to attribute significance to things after the fact – it isn’t so much that everything happens for a reason then it is that we reconstruct the now logical sequence of events once the conclusion has already been reached.

But I guess that right then, and maybe even right now, I have enough hope to think that I’m going to get to a place, or something’s going to happen, and it’s going to give me the ability to see what this was all for.

And so last night, I got myself to the gym, where I listend to Atlas Shrugged on tape. I got up to the part where Francisco has become something that Dagny can’t understand and for the first time in their lives she doesn’t understand his actions, and she’s terribly hurt, but has no choice but to go on, and to live with it, and to survive it. I, much younger, used to think that if Dagny could handle that, than I certainly should be able to handle whatever complication I was currently obsessing about.

Then there was an email; not one I was expecting/wanting, but a good email nonetheless, and a short g-chat conversation.  I went to bed feeling good for once.

And now it’s Wednesday, and there’s coffee tonight with a boy I’m not sure I want to have coffee with (bad signs: hard to pin down for a time for plans and has mentioned an Ex more than once. good signs: very polite. seems to think highly of me from what little he knows of me) but the fact that I’m going to have coffee with a boy is a big step. Actually, his mentions of his Ex are what made me realize I am ready to date: At no time in speaking to any of these guys have I thought to bring up any of my exes. It hasn’t been relevant, whereas in the past, it would have been relevant to everything. I knew I had baggage (and I still do) but I hadn’t realized how much I had to put away until I realized it wasn’t there anymore.

And I suppose, even if nothing comes of any of this, that was a great epiphany. And maybe that should be my proof that everything happens for a reason.

I don’t mean to go on blogging breaks, but work has been insane, and then, what do I have to say, really? I am still stuck. Oh, and it’s Saturday night, and I have no plans besides picking up some sushi, doing some laundry, and the SVU marathon.

I have basically become ok with the fact that my weekends are like this. I have gotten past judging them as “pathetic” and making self deprecating comments about them. I would just rather be spending my weekends doing nothing in DC (or NYC) and then I would have the option to do something that wasn’t nothing.

I think I might want DC like the way I wanted New York when I got out of college. Back then, I was also craving independence and the opportunity for a social life, to be sure, but I wanted New York because of HWSNBN. I think I want DC, and there’s not even a boy there. I suppose my therapist would say this is progress. Of course, it’s entirely possible that I have just forced myself to not want NYC, because I know that career wise, DC is the only place that makes sense right now. And, given that, there’s no use wanting what you can’t have, or torturing yourself with what cannot be.

HWSNBN still texts me very occasionally. He asked back in September when I’d be in the city next. I said December. He told me to let him know when, but I never did. I didn’t see the point, really, and also all the vain, shallow reasons like I want to be nothing but 100% together if I ever see him again.

So for now, I’m not quite sure what I’m doing. I have a phone interview on Monday for an organization that pays probably half of what my current job does, and who’s political orientation is possibly opposite of my own. Still, they do some interesting work in the security/foreign policy realm, so I’ll give it a chance to see what happens. Already, in my head I’m making excuses for why this is a terrible idea to even consider, and of course this is mere projection, because the phone interview hasn’t even happened yet.

When I moved to New York, I was actually pretty gutsy. Despite growing up 30 minutes away, I didn’t know the city, and I certainly didn’t know the boroughs. I spent the first half of the summer of 2005 job hunting and apartment hunting in the sweltering heat. I learned the neighborhoods of Brooklyn (where I never wound up living) by google map directions and walking. I learned the subway by following the colored lines on the map with my finger. HWSNBN and I were long over, and I didn’t have any friends in the city. I just did it.

“You have to take a step before you’re ready. Because if you wait to be ready, you’ll never take that step. “

Perhaps I would do well to remember this.

My apologies to Kim, but I got in my car to make my second trip to the Fed-Ex store, and “Tear Drops On My Guitar” came on. I went to change the song (because yes, it’s on a Mix CD that I made) and then pulled my hand back, because it was almost ridiculously appropriate for the news I had just gotten.

I have a friend named Drew, who I will ocacsionally sing the first bars of this song to in order to annoy him (the song, for those not in the Taylor Swift know, is about her friend Drew, who she is in love with, who is in love with another girl. It’s classic high school stuff). But, for a very, very brief period, there was another Drew in my life, except it was spelt “Dru.”

It was a drawn out flirtation carried out via email, IMs and texts. It culminated in finally meeting at the disaster that was Chicago trip in the Summer of 2008.

I didn’t even like him that much, but I liked the idea of him. And at the time, I liked that he paid way more attention to me than O-L-B did. To be honest, I wasn’t attracted to him, but alcohol fixed that temporarily. And since then, he’s really fallen in my estimation. I find many of the things he says ridiculous, if not downright despicable. I was an apologist for him for many, many months after the disaster of Chicago, but there came a point when I realized there was nothing worth defending.  There is literally nothing about him that I find attractive or desirable. The only reason he was ever a big deal is because of the way in which I tricked myself into thinking we had all this potential. In retrospect, it was an obvious means of distracting myself, but at the time, the loss of that potential seemed horrible. It’s funny. You always hear the expression “I don’t know what I ever saw in him” and I’ve always thought that that expression was insincere, the defensive words of a wronged woman.

But really: I don’t know what I ever saw in him. I forced myself to see things there, and then I made him respond to me. It was never that I liked him, it was that I had to make him like me. 

He just announced today that he’s engaged. And for whatever reason, that felt weird, just for a second.

And while I sang along with the song without the least bit of sincerity, I still thought of that Dru, just this one time.

I’m wearing a black polo shirt with a red cardigan and the guy at the register at Express told me I was wearing the “Black Friday uniform.” (he was wearing Black and Red, and was dressed like a hipster)

I went and got yet another suiting option for the interview next week. Because I am obsessive, even though I have THREE perfectly lovely options, I am annoyed because I cannot find black pinstripes. I have black pinstripe pants, and can’t find a blazer to go with them. I was willing to start from scratch, but I haven’t been able to find anything.

I have bought more, thought more about, and written more about clothes in the past month and a half than in possibly my entire life. It’s like wanting to play dress-up.

It’s too late to take a nap, but I’m tired. I’ll be up earlyish tomorrow for an appointment, and then I’m going into the city to meet up with Michael. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been in the city in the past year and each of them has been weird.

Other Things That Are Bothering Me:

1) My interview is in a week and that is not enough time for my ragged, bitten fingernails to be improved. I know the only solution is “stop biting your nails” but I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time. And I’ve tried the disgusting tasting nail polish, but I’m so dedicated that I still bit my nails, even when wearing it. Anyway, I know that people are judged on appearances in interviews, so I am hoping I can remember to keep my hands positioned so as to hide my fingertips as much as possible.

2) For some reason I am slightly nervous about trip logistics, even though I have been to DC via train a number of times, and I’m going down a day early, so even a delay is not the end of the world.

3) Admittedly, the city sometimes still makes me think of/miss HWSNBN. He was the one who introduced me to the city, for real, and I never would have moved there if it weren’t for him, and even though it has been years, sometimes it still hits me when I’m taking the PATH in.

4) I am going through the West Wing WAY TOO FAST. Ok, it’s really good, so I’ll probably want to re-watch the whole thing anyway, right? And I’ll want to watch all the commentaries/extras?

This is a rambling, going-nowhere entry about boys

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O-L-B is annoying me from the periphery again. This is why you should never date anyone you meet on a political message board. I haven’t spoken to him in about 10 months (although he will still sometimes respond directly to one of my posts, which, WTF???) and I am definitely over him in the relationship/romantic whatever sense.

I guess I’m just annoyed by his general existence at this point. The things he posts are really patently ridiculous and I don’t agree with much of it but I also recognize that the reason it annoys me so much is because I am shallowly letting my personal feelings/opinion of him creep in. (Or maybe his posts really ARE that stupid)

This guy also posts about the drama of his love life on the message board ALL THE FREAKING TIME. On a message board that he knows a girl he used to date (me) will read.

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This evening we’ve just been hanging out watching TV, talking about Obama insanity. I have a kitty next to me. The plan for the rest of the day is to do little to nothing because Monday/Tuesday are going to be INSANITY. I’m going to bawl like a baby on Tuesday. My dad did wind up at the concert at the Lincoln Memorial, but was so far away that it was on major delay. 

I am so psyched about playing the crowds tomorrow. LIBERTARIANS FOR OBAMA!

And her fluffy cat Maggie is sitting next to me on the couch, where she had planted herself since I sat down here with my laptop. And she is VERY offended every time I get up or move. And I am a fidgety person, so I am offending her a lot.

So I got to Nashville, where people are very friendly. On my walk from the gate to baggage claim people kept making eye contact. Met up with Ellie, drove to Knoxville, and watched lots of House/cat napped. David got home, dinner was gotten, and much, much amusement was had by me (and I hope all). Gossiping about Message Board of Note was included of course. I am very happy to be here. Jersey admittedly gets pretty lonely, and it is just good to be around people like this sometimes.

In other news, i got a bunch of concerned texts over the course of the day. Apparently, OLB is back to posting on  about this girl he’s having drama with and blah blah blah, and he’s meeting up with her to figure things out. And except for David, other David & Ellie, the details aren’t well enough known, so many of the guys could have easily thought he was talking about me, wanted to say it was a dick move, and wanted to make sure I was okay/not meeting up with him, etc.

This was a little paranoid inducing, since I was not at the computer to check this out for myself. But it was all fine, I knew he wasn’t talking about me. And it’s really nice to know that the guys care, and that they have my back on this one.

Saturday night, the anticipation of which garnered so many words here in the past couple weeks, was an unmitigated disaster. It didn’t help that it was At-This-Time-Last-Year, and that David wasn’t there to keep me from being stupid. I should be convincted of first degree “doing-that-thing-where-you’re-nervous-about-seeing-an-ex(of sorts)-but-you-want-to-pretend-you’re-totally-ok.”

The only moment I am proud of is the moment he walked into the bar. I met his eyes and held them and didn’t look away. “You look really good,” he told me.

“Thank you,” I replied, and didn’t break the stare.

The rest of the night is a string of awfulness. It may not have been as bad as Chicago this past summer, but it was bad.

Basically I feel horrible right now. I am so mad at myself, because I was doing a lot better – or so I thought. He is a trigger for me, obviously, just like HWSNBN was.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through this day – I know I will, but right now it seems so unmanageable and so much bigger than me.

So, OLB messaged me. “Are you going to the gathering on the 29th? I figured you had other plans, since I hadn’t seen a response from you, but I wanted to check”

WTF???

Of course, I immediately told David, who told me that OLB should be pushed in front of a train. “What bearing does it have on him? Why does he want to know this???” David wondered.
“So what do I say?” I asked. Because to me, to blatantly NOT reply, when he can see that I’m on The-Message-Board-of-Note, is more “obvious” than a short and civil reply.
“Tell him ‘I’m not sure yet, but probably’” David said.

So that’s what I went with.

But still; WHY was he asking me if I was going to be there? Does he knew to prepare himself if I’m going to be there? Does he plan on having something ‘suddenly come up’ at the last minute if I’m going to be there, so he can avoid me? Is he just screwing with my head?

If anyone has answers to these questions, I want to hear them.

Chicago was four months ago and still there are moments when I’d like a do-over, because I think of the night before Chicago and how happy I thought I was. There are some moments when I’d give almost anything to feel that way again.

But OLB has seen me tilt my chin, raise my eyebrows, and toss out some line as if I don’t have a care in the world, and what good did it do me?

So Saturday night, I think I will just be quiet. Reserved. I will greet him politely, although I do like the idea of giving him the trademark Rachel Cold Stare. It might throw him off a little. I’ll talk to everyone else of course, but I don’t know everyone there as well as I did at the last gathering, so I will probably naturally be a bit more shy than usual. And I think this is a good thing. Quiet can disarm just as well as a good line.

Beyond that, I am trying not to have a plan, because I always have a plan. I always try to script these things, and then when the curtains up, I miss my cues and forget my lines. It is better to go in without blatant expectations and prepared anecdotes. He should not be important enough to warrant my editing.

I’d like to say I didn’t come this far just to fall apart over him, but if I can even think the thoughts that make this entry possible, I wonder if I’ve even made any progress at all.

This occurred to this week, when a friend from Missouri announced he would be in NYC for a couple days, and did “we” want to get together. The “we” included a couple other guys who our mutual friends of Missouri and I. One of those guys is OLB.

To say OLB and I dated would be stretching it, but we had some sort of “thing” going from last Thanksgiving, tapering off in April, and finally ending for good with the disaster that was Chicago in July. (I’ll write about that weekend one day, I promise). I have not seen him or talked to him since then, and this is without a doubt for the better. He is a trigger for me.

The thing is, I don’t even like OLB anymore — in fact there are quite a few things about him that I actively dislike. For one, he’s a total tool. For another, he was a jerk to me. (Even though my actions in the situations prove I was certainly no prize, several people have pointed out to me that he acted like a jackass) But I have also say, that if his hand were to so much brush against my arm I would be done. Finished. Weak in the knees.

So when I got the message that Missouri-friend would be in town my first thought was “I absolutely cannot go if OLB is going to be there.” And of course, OLB got the first response in “Yeah, lets do something when Missouri is in town.” (this was addressed to the group and not anyone in particular)

It would be absolutely unhealthy for me to see OLB. My bad habit would be to go to crazy lengths to justify why it was okay for me to go, to steel myself up for the event, and pretend that I was going to be okay being around him. And then when I didn’t get the reaction I secretly wanted, I’d be angry, and then I’d probably go home and cry and have an emotional hangover from the whole thing. So better to just not go, and avoid the drama.

I’m annoyed with this, somewhat. I emailed Missouri to let him know what was going on. He was understanding when I said I didn’t want to be around OLB, but I can’t help feeling as if he’s choosing OLB over me. He sort of knows what happened between us, but he doesn’t know the details, which makes me tempted to email back and say “If you really knew what he was like you wouldn’t want to be around him.” But I know that’s just being more dramatic and making myself look worse, because I already feel like I’m being viewed as this immature drama queen who can’t suck it up and spend a few hours around her ex-non-boyfriend.

I hate that, because that – what other people think – is out of my control. I want to say that this isn’t my choice, but it is. I may be doing this – avoiding this gathering – out of strict necessity, but it is still MY choice not to attend, even though it is OLB’s actions that have put me in a position where I can’t be around him and be emotionally healthy. It doesn’t seem fair, that he can do all that to me, and get away scoot free. It doesn’t seem fair that I should have to skip out on seeing a friend, when he’s the one who hurt me. It doesn’t seem fair that, while it is my (healthy) choice not to go, I feel as if he took the power of choice away from me when he responded to Missouri first.

For now, enjoy the moment, when all you have to prove is that you can prove nothing at.