I fell asleep last night at a very decent hour which was much needed as I’d not slept well the past few nights. Only to be awakened maybe an hour or so later by a massive thunderstorm and the wind blowing rain through my open window screen. Grr. That’s what I get for describing the weather as “entirely too nice out.” 

I’m gonna go drink a giant cup of coffee. I miss the horrible coffee from my building at work. $1 for 24 oz of caffeinated slug. I should stock up on energy drinks of my way home. I have recently discovered this one made by Arizona that actually contains like 3% juice and even has some Vitamins so I don’t feel bad drinking it. Mmm, delicious Taurine.

Well I slept later than I meant to, because I took Tylenol PM to get to sleep, then didn’t go to bed until one, and then I kept waking up from really short, realistic dreams. The kind of boring, realistic dream that tricks your mind into not knowing its asleep until you wake up. I am still kind of groggy and am gulping down some coffee before I go over to campus for work and getting mass amounts of readings done. (Well, that’s the plan. My level of productivity has dropped to zero since turning in my draft.)

So I’ve started looking for jobs, just tentatively since I can’t do much until I’m back in the New York area. You know that song from Avenue Q, “What can you do with a BA in English?” Well what can you do, with an MA in Social Science? Although I’m told a social science degree is infinitely more valuable than an English degree, which seems silly. My undergrad degree is in Government, not Political Science, and there IS actually a difference, but in most of the fields in my program, unless you’re doing heavy quantitative stuff, everything seems more like a humanity than social science, with the exception of maybe Psychology. 

Oh, and when did I forget how to write? it used to be I could write a paper by pulling quotes and stream of consciousness explain them, etc, and then go back and edit and make the writing fairly solid. I don’t think its a matter of Skidmore grade inflation — when i read stuff I wrote three years ago it still sounds better than what I’m producing now. I had both Brent and the younger-wiser-sibling look over parts of my thesis because I was just staring at, knowing it wasn’t good writing, but not knowing exactly what was wrong or exactly how to fix it. Brent’s diplomatic comment on the thesis as a whole was “Well. It certainly has potential.” I don’t know, I guess a year and a half out of school is enough to destroy your writing skills? Blah. I cleaned up the draft of the thesis the best I could and I’m trying really hard not to think about it until I get the comment back. Although I should probably be working on the “Schmitt was a total Hobbesian” section that I plan on adding. That and, making the younger-wiser-sibiling read the WHOLE thing and paying him in the form of cheap scotch. I am the best sister ever. 

I was thinking today about The Tempest. I don’t know why. I hated it when we had to read it freshman year of high school, because I hated my freshman English and the way he taught it. Loved it when we read it for Shakespeare’s Political Wisdom and now for some reason I’m in the mood to read it. Or if nothing else, find my notes and see what I thought of it three years ago. 

And on that completely unrelated note, I’m going to head over to campus

I wrote a long entry on all the things I missed about New York, specifically about this summer there yesterday, but then deleted it, because I was being unneccesarily maudlin. I realized that “this-time-of-year” is quickly approaching. I don’t know how I feel about that; I don’t see any ‘other shoes’ that are in danger of dropping, but one never knows.

I’m in the middle of writing final papers. I have a lot of words down on the page, but still need to do a lot of editing. In my Machiavelli paper, I think I quote Schmitt and Agamben almost as much as Machiavelli. My liberalism paper is kind of silly, but again, words are on the page, its just a matter of ordering them. I talk about sex a lot. And I’m meeting my goal of turning in 15-20 pages of my thesis next week, because I will graduate in June if it kills me.

As I very crudely put it “An MA in less than nine months, this is way more productive than getting knocked up.”

I’m doing pre-class reading in my apartment instead of my office so I’m still in my pajamas. I am drinking coffee and feeling about as unproductive as Spring semester, 2004. The correlations do not escape me.

I miss my study group from last quarter. Seeing them twice a week for a couple hours kept me sane.
I have not been writing as much as I would like. I have not talked to Jill-IAN in three weeks. I have not gone to Target to purchase things I very much need, such as a new shower curtain, sheets, and towels. Such domestic needs.

Ug. I want to live somewhere and know that I’m going to be living there for more than a year, but I don’t foresee that happening in the near future.

And I want to meet a guy that I actually like, because I’m realizing the last time I met someone new who I actually liked was a very, very, very long time ago. Even with going by my pattern that I can only like-like a guy every three to four years, I feel I am overdue. Atrophy indeed.

I’m going to finish my coffee, get dressed (and I will probably wind up underdressed because I have no clean sweaters) and go to campus to find lunch.

Pass me the WHINE, it’s just a minor variation.

Grad school really is a freaking roller coaster. My good mood and positive attitude lasted approximately 16 hours. Now I am anxious over something I screwed up for work (the dread of waiting for your boss to come talk to you about what you wrong. In this case, the dread is going to last until 4 PM tomorrow when I next see him). I am also back to stressing out about empirical/statistical methods courses to the point of nausea.

I WANT  to be able to get into a PhD program. If I don’t get in where I want, am I going to regret not taking this stupid class that was recommended to me? Is it going to be one of my big “if onlys?” I’m trying to put this is perspective, but I’m having a difficult time, because being at U Chicago is like having blinders on. At U Chicago, they think they are The Authority on everything, and so whenever ANYONE in a position of authority tells you anything, you think you have to take them on their word, regardless of what you may think/feel.

(It’s funny. One of my “issues” is I have a lot of defense mechanisms that are often unhealthy. U Chicago has massive defense mechanisms issues, because outside of academia, people forget about U Chicago because it’s not among the Ivies. U Chicago is an amazing institution, and the name carries a lot of respect in academic/law school circles, but not to the general public. U Chicago thus overcompensates by proclaiming to by the Final Word on everything. I mean, I’m sure all schools do that to an extent, but Chicago is ridiculous about it.)

Maybe I should just lower my standards and accept the fact that no matter what I do I will not get into my Super-Secret-Dream-School. But then, what if getting some empirical methods experience is the deciding factor in considering me there, and blah.

And now it sounds like I’m basically whining because I don’t want to take a class because it’s hard and it’s boring and whatever. I mean, I know I’m going to have to do these things within a PhD program eventually. Maybe I should just suck it up on the Comparative Politics front.

Maybe I should just not take the class I think I need for my thesis; maybe I don’t really need a whole class on The Prince in order to incorporate Machiavelli into my thesis. And then I can take Florentine Republic next quarter anyway. Maybe.

Ug. I need to talk to someone who is not my precept about this and get a second opinion.

Things are very decent. I am, at this time, very aware of “a year ago” and I am so, so, so thankful that anything going on now is NOTHING like that. That was so horrid.

Right now things are stable. The job is very good. I’m scared of the GREs because I am struggling with math that I haven’t looked at in 6 years, but I know the GREs will be alright. I am very aware that I will be “HERE” for about another year. And I am actually quite okay with it. I have a job that I don’t hate at all and it pays my rent. I have co-workers who amuse me, and provide a semblence of a social life for a loner like myself. I like it this way.

I still can’t believe I’m here. I’m in New York with a job and a place to live. Life is good. Drama sometimes, confusion prevelant…but still good. Some boy may not have any clue I’m alive (Grr, not this again) Meh. It’s life.

It was about 2/3rd into Kerry’s concession speech that I lost it, a little. Oh, I looked it up. This made me teary eyed

But in an American election, there are no losers, because whether or not our candidates are successful, the next morning we all wake up as Americans.

I was watching it in the Government Dept lounge with Favorite Professor and a few others. She was like “Rachel, you didn’t even vote for him!”

This is true, but watching Kerry made me realize that despite my cynicism, despite saying over and over that there was no way Bush would lose there was a teeny tiny part of me that was holding out hope. I dont’ know how I would have felt about a Kerry victory because I have so little political attraction to the man, but I guess there was a piece of me that didn’t want to give in to four more years of this nonsense.

And then there was this:  And of course I get all teary again. This woman is the only writer who wrote something about September 11th that made me cry. Hell, that STILL makes me cry when I re-read it. Anyawy, for posterity’s sake, Sarah Bunting’s response to “What do we do now?” in regards to the results of Election 2004 is behind the cut.

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Finals. Done. My Grades? Not saved.

I am in trouble whenever I think a paper is good. This was confirmed to me yesterday. Clearly, I should know by now not to turn in papers I think are any good. Clearly.

I completely lack coherence. So I present “Thirteen Stories About One Thing”

ONE

Random, hysterical laughter and then “Did you watch Dawson’s Creek in high school” (Because if even I watched Dawson’s Creek, than clearly every female on the planet watched Dawson’s Creek.)

“I watched Dawson’s Creek in college!”

“Ok, well remember that Dawson’s dad got killed, because he…

“…went out to get milk, and then got in a car accident…”

“…because he was eating an ice cream cone, and he dropped it, AND THEN HE TRIED TO PICK IT UP…”

“Yeah, so if you drop you’re ice cream, don’t try and pick it up.”

“What a stupid way to kill off a character.”

-Me & Xina, after a shopping jaunt

TWO

Me: Ooo, Pretty Woman is on.

Brent: What?!? You awful person!

Me: Shut up, I love this movie

Brent: You’re the last person in the world I would expect to love that movie.

Me: Shut up, I know, it’s shameful. I think every female has this chip in her head that makes her like this movie.

Brent: But you hate Julia Roberts!

Me: I know!

Brent: I’m going to use this against you. And Richard Gere is awful

Me: I know! But he buys her lots of clothes. And she saves him!

Brent: Richard Gere is awful

Me: I know! That’s why Primal Fear is so cool, because Edward Norton totally got him.

-Spring Break, last year.

Edward Norton was crazy, smart, manipulative and so-o cute in that movie. Hm. Typical.

THREE

It doesn’t make sense that someone as rational, cynical and paranoid as I, is at times incredibly idealistic and a ridiculous romantic. (I adore alliteration!). I also wonder if I should be saying: It doesn’t make any sense that someone as idealistic and romantic as me could be so cynical, rational and paranoid.

-Now the two sides will engage in a fight.

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

NascentIgnorance: later stupid

Just Rachel 129: fuck you stupid

NascentIgnorance: shut up stupid

Just Rachel 129: you started it stupid

Just Rachel 129: I’m glad we have such a loving relationship

NascentIgnorance: you wouldn’t want it any other way

-”If I’m crazy then it’s true, that it’s all because of you, and you wouldn’t want me, any other way” Because, you saved me in 6th grade from being a typical girl, even if I do like Dawson’s Creek & Pretty Woman

EIGHT

I know prospero wins and there is some subtext about government

-Brent, on the Tempest

NINE

Laugh at the things that formally bound you

-Shakespeare Class on Thursday

TEN

I want to go scoff at Camp Hamp for failing in it’s attempt to turn me into a communist, filthy feminazi. In fact, that really, really screwed up because I’m a capitalist, and

ELEVEN

“I’m independent and I can take care of myself, but what I really want is a hot, emotionally detached workaholic man to fall in love with me because I’m so wonderful”

-Circa August, drunken whinings that the hippies would certainly say was an example of how the patriarchy has gotten to me.

TWELVE

Anyone want to go on a day trip to Amherst soon-ish? I would definitely buy you dinner and protect you from the dirty hippies You’ll get the chance to see the Hampshire bubble up close, a hellish representation of why utopia shouldn’t exist

THIRTEEN

Joy is not a state of being. It’s an activity. It doesn’t exist independently of our actions. Joy is supposed to be fleeting and transitory because it was never meant to be permanant.

Mono-no-aware, “The sadness of all things.” The sadness that informs everything, evne joy itself. Without that, joy cannot exist. Joy is what we do, joy is pagan, and absurd and tinged with lust and sadness. Bliss is not. Bliss is death.

-”Happiness” – pg247

Back from break, and still unable to get much done.

I applied for five different summer jobs/internships. I could wind up in Boston, D.C., or I could live at home for another summer & commute to the city. All of this depends on if I get accepted to any of the new places I applied, of course. I don’t hold any illusions about publishing and such, but there’s a million things I could see myself doing within that field. It’s far more appealing to me than becoming a D.C. bureaucrat.

Am I crazy and immature for straying off my well-thought-out, responsible path? I’m serious. Someone really needs to tell me if I am, because I truly don’t know. I won’t get mad! Am I awful for disappearing for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon to write? (When I have an Honors Research paper to write…) And does that sound incredibly flaky?