.

I’m trying to think of something funny, or witty, or offhand to write about, because even I get sick of myself and my own angst. One of my favorite entries from a super-angsty time is “Thirteen Stories About One Thing” (title shamelessly stolen from the movie of the same name – which I’ve seen and remember nothing of). So I figured, it was time for an updated version.

ONE

Me: Maybe I’ll buy a 49ers shirt for [the Redskins/49ers game].
Brent: That’s a terrible idea
Me: It’ll be like when Elaine wore the Orioles hat to the Yankees game.
Brent: Yes, and how did it end for her?
Me: I believe there was heckling.
Brent: I believe she lost her job over that
Me: Well I don’t have a job to lose now do I?
Brent: It’s still a terrible idea.
Me: I want to move to a city that with really loyal fans and wear opposing t-shirts. And don’t say Chicago.
Brent: Well if you want to get sucker punched and have beer bottles thrown at you, you could move to Philly.
Me: Philly sounds like a possibility, yes.

TWO

“I want you to come back home. You belong here. You can do anything here, it’s freaking NYC. The advantage is that you have everyone who loves you here; your family and friends.

-Jill-IAN

THREE

Me: I think he was wearing jeans and um…jeans
Ellie: But the important question is: did he iron his jeans
-a long ago reference that I’d long forgotten. This comment made me laugh all day.

FOUR

Regardless of what you end up doing, you did an incredibly awesome thing moving down to DC and leaving the comfort of the job you had before.Hang in there.  You are still awesome and I’m always proud of what you are doing- whether it’s trying to build a life in DC or in NJ.

-Joe (who always knows the perfect thing to say)

FIVE

Brent: i had a dream that i had written a paper for school but i had forgotten to write a works cited page.  i hate everything.
Me: that’s terrible. ms roeser would have kicked your ass. i had a dream that i found a room in a new apartment, except the furniture was staying there, and it was puzzle/trick furniture, that you had to figure out how to open, and i couldn’t figure out how to open the drawers
Brent: The worst. I need to go to dream rehab. You should come with me.
Me: We would alienate everyone there.
Brent: How would this be any different from normal life?
Me: Touche

SIX

On the very first version of Message-Board-of-Note, many years ago, someone wrote: “Love doesn’t stink. It’s fleeting and imperfect and infuriating and very human. It’s an emotional investment, with all the dividends, interest, and risk the analogy implies, and it should be treated as nothing less.”

I saved it in a word file and its survived several computer crashes. The writer is a friend now, so I emailed him because like-like is just as infuriating and very human.

SEVEN

Bitch, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
-Keith (my ex-roommate)

EIGHT

We love you very, very, very much and we want nothing but happiness and kindness for you

-From Ellie & David

NINE

Pacey, to Joey: You fall in love and it doesn’t work out, and you think it’ll never happen again. But believe me, it does. In the strangest of places it does.

Jill-IAN, in response: Oh my god, shoot me in the head

TEN

I have written this mildly snarky cover letter and I am trying to decide whether I should actually submit it, with my real resume. This is to a Prestigious Non-Profit, that I have applied to many, many times for multiple positions and never gotten a response. I suspect that when they post a position, they already have someone (or several potential someones) and the public posting is just there because it is required by lawCut for career whining

I don’t expect this place to ever hire me and I don’t really want to work there anymore (I’d never refuse a job with them, but have basically decided it isn’t worth my effort) and I’m trying to work up the nerve to submit it, just to see if I get a response. Probably not. I can’t be the only one who submits sarcastic cover letters.

There’s nothing else going on in my life except the job search. I know that I should try to find other things to fill my time, but I’m trapped in that head space where I feel like I can’t do anything until I solve the job problem. It’s not as bad as I felt when I was unemployed; far from it (standard disclaimer about how I am grateful to be employed) but when people ask what I do, it’s a breathless rush to explain that I’m doing this now but I’m looking for something else, the economy is just bad and it’s been bad since I graduated and…

And all I’ve ever had are jobs. Nothing has been a career. I have drifted from assistantship to assistantship. First it was that I wasn’t staying anywhere long enough for it to become a career (pre-grad school) and then it was the disasterous Job-That-Wasn’t and for nearly two years, I’ve been here. And there’s no where to go here.

When I’m driving, especially when I’m on my lunch break, I’m composing paragraphs in my head, 99.9% of which will never hit paper. Yesterday, I was thinking about satirical cover letters, and the finished product is not the project I was imagining – I attempted to write that, but only have two paragraphs thus far. And the day before that, I was thinking it had been awhile since I chronicled my utter sap-titude, and my West Wing obsession has certainly given more fodder for my hopeless romantic obsession, and I was writing all these lovely sentences about it. But apparently, I am only poetic when gray matter is the canvas.

So anyway, it’s Friday, and I haven’t had nearly enough caffeine, but the cafeteria in this new office space is far, far away.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/11/day-11/feed/ 3 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/19/harry-the-clock-on-that-nine-foot-nuclear-weapon-is-ticking/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/19/harry-the-clock-on-that-nine-foot-nuclear-weapon-is-ticking/#comments Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:09:14 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6602 .

I’m busy playing “hurry up and wait” with some things at work that are making me feel as if I don’t have it together and I’m not on top of things. I hate that. It is also causing me to be weirdly procrastinate-y with both stuff here and job applications stuff. Did I mention I’m tired and had nightmares about Jason Voorhees (of Friday the 13th fame) last night?

At least it’s Friday. I will try to restrain from whining/fretting about the laundry I have to do and the errands I must run and the gym I AM GOING TO GO TO DAMNIT (I have Milly now, as reinforcement). Of course, by informing you of that (alleged) restrain, I have in fact whined/fretted.

I want to see the movie Valentine’s Day, because it is supposed to be similar to Love, Actually. No one will see it with me, and I rarely go to the movie anyway, (In fact, the last thing I saw in the theaters was the Friday the 13th remake that came out last February – perhaps that’s why I have Jason Voorhees on the brain) but maybe I’ll just go by myself this weekend. Mm, movie popcorn with delicious artificial butter.

Speaking of movies, my Younger-Wiser-Sibling (who clearly has too much time on his hands. Oh to have the musicians lifestyle) started bombarding me with text messages/emails about the movie Armaggedon. Yes, the Bruce Willis movie about the giant asteroid. (I love that movie!) I have posted it below for my own entertainment. Perhaps, you too will find it funny (unlikely). More likely, you just think it is lunacy and don’t get why I am cracking up over it. If, however, it makes sense to you AND you think it’s funny, than you, are perhaps my soulmate/new best friend.

Deep Thoughts on Armaggedon (The Movie) – by Rachel’s Younger-Wiser-Sibling

I was watching armageddon and it struck me how the president of the USA was giving a speech to the entire world, and he said “I’m not the President, or the leader of a major country, but a citizen of the world”, and it was and odd thing to say given how amero-centric the response to the catastrophe was then I started thinking about how that blithe ignorance of the unilateral v. multinational split in american politics could only happen pre-9/11.

Also, the shuttles are named the Freedom and Independence — as if the asteroid is an evil threat to america — as opposed to something that is going to blow up the entire world.

It’s sort of like when Liv Tyler starts crying when they think that both shuttles blew up and everything failed — not because that means the world (her life and everyone else’s life included) is going to end in 12 hours but because that means Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis are dead.

For instance, what would Obama think about the way we responded to the asteroid, without even consulting other countries or asking the UN if it would be okay to use a nuke? I also assume that we were the only country who knew about it (aside from Russia, of course, but only because they were helping with refueling from the space station), and that they took great care to make sure that no other countries found out about that. I cannot imagine the EU being very happy to learn that the American government is hiding apocolyptic secrets from the rest of the world on the grounds that it ‘knows better’ than everyone else and all that

Also, I forgot to mention that the whole film was probably co-funded by the NASA lobby and the nuclear research/arms lobby.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/19/harry-the-clock-on-that-nine-foot-nuclear-weapon-is-ticking/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/09/of-the-century-of-the-week/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/09/of-the-century-of-the-week/#comments Tue, 09 Feb 2010 14:54:10 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6575 We’re supposed to get walloped with snow tonight, but considering the “snow-pocalypse” missed us completely, I’m skeptical.

Disclaimer: I do not care about the hows and whys of the two journalists who were captured and imprisoned in North Korea. I vaguely followed the news (by which I mean, I heard a few snippets of news on the radio on the way home, and no, I was not listening to NPR) and I knew that it happened, but I didn’t know the details. I am a cynic, and I figured the only reason it was getting any press is because one of the women captured is the sister of Lisa Ling a G – list celebrity of the geriatric version of Sex and the City, known as “The View.”

So I’ve just decided to conclude they were captured because we don’t have universal healthcare. I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? If we don’t get universal healthcare, the terrorists win.

I don’t know if there was any formal run-up to Bill Clinton’s (“Bill C,” as I like to call him) jaunt to Asia. Apparently, Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with a high level American, Al Gore was originally considered for the trip, but that was considered a conflict of interests, given that Gore owns (?) the news outlet the two captured women were working for.

Like I said, I’m vague on the details.

So Bill C flies to North Korea and schmoozes with Kim J. Two hours later, the women are freed. Probably the best commentary I have seen on the subject is this picture of Hillary:

I mean, it’s Bill C. With Obama taking the spotlight as the anointed one (coupled with Bill C’s bout of crazy when Hillary was still in the primaries) I think a lot of people forget that Bill C is one smooth talker. He has a way of biting his lower lip, lowering his eyes, and making his audience believe that he feels your pain. I am not surprised.

I’m sure its nice for the families of the freed women – no one would deny that the capture of a loved one would be hellish. And I don’t care to comment on the discussion of whether this was a good use of diplomatic resources, whether this qualifies as negotiationg with terrorists and makes us vulnerable to North Korea, or what Bill Clinton was getting out of the deal. (Jokes about Bill Clinton and two girls on a plane, the mile high club, etc are already making the round).

No, I think its important to point out the real consequences of this maneuver.

Now that Kim Jong Il has made a concession to the US and freed these women, he probably feels a little arrogant. This gives him a little jolt of arrogance – he held the fate of two women in his hands and suddenly America was willing to do anything. (Let’s leave aside the debate about the value of two American lives mmkay?) He got Bill C to come all the way to North Korea, just to talk to him. He wants to take this power out for a spin and see what he can do with it.

The next step is clear. Kim Jong Il is going to fire missiles at Hawaii. In fact, that has been his plan all along, and there is nothing anyone could have done about it. He would have done this with or without the captured/freeing of these two women, but now he has a convenient excuse.

And just think about it. Once he destroys Hawaii, he will destroy all evidence of the Obama’s original birth records.

I’ll let that sink it.

This is the REAL consequence of the negotiations with Kim Jong Il and the possibilities of the REAL motiviations for this negotiations are endless.

Did Bill C, still reeling from the defeat of his beloved (stop laughing!) wife in the primaries, wish to provoke an action which would destroy Obama’s chances of proving, once and for all that he IS an American citizen, thus jeopardizing his presidency?

Is Bill C secretly working for Sarah Palin? (Or sleeping with her?)

Did Bill C, sick of the ridiculous arguments put forth by “birthers” wish to destroy all evidence, so Obama can now honestly shrug his shoulders and say “Guys, my homeland was bombed. What do you want me to do?”

Or, is Bill C, up to his old tricks, just looking to create a distraction, so when the news gets out about his escapades with the two women on the way back to the US will be buried in the sea of controversy over Obama’s now destroyed birth records?

I’ll have to carefully consider all the evidence before I can even begin to come to a conclusion on this one. I suggest you do the same.

Him: Ooh, the spelling bee in on this week. But you probably already knew that.
Me: I did not know that actually. I know that in 2006 a girl from Jersey won because I was told about it seperately by Kevin and a co-worker who is from Jersey and it made me re-realize that everyone I associate with is awesome.i didn’t know who Zebulon Pike was I bet Ben would have, since Lewis and Clark was the superquiz topic one year.
Him: pike’s peak? c’mon now. that’s a staple of the carmen sandiego series.
Me: hmph. i very rarely watched the show, because i think it was on the same time as Batman (the one with Adam West)
Him: not the show, stupid, the video game
Me: you must have played where in teh USA is carmen sandiego because the where in the world version certainly didn’t have such low class questions.

Notebooks & Matching Books Are Important

Me: with drug fair going out of business i was able to purchase a large quantity of Five Star notebooks (the best notebooks, imo, but also very expensive, as notebooks go) for very cheap. However, today I realized that a purchased a large stack of graph paper notebooks. So today I’m stuck at work with one and cannot carry out my OCD notetaking as planned AND i don’t have any 5 star one subject notebooks, period. You have no idea how annoyed I am right now.
Him: i have a very good idea. the most annoying part has to be that you’re an idiot and you know you’re an idiot. plus i think i’ve done that before and it’s the worst
Me: you have no idea how important the proper notebook is. different notebooks are used for different things. for example i have a regular 100 sheet spiral Mead notebook, but i would not use it for this – that would just be ridiculous. so i can’t start this note taking project today and it totally ruined my day. i am also inflexible and do not like change.
Him: if i could, i’d give you a really patronizing ‘there there’, since this is what all this deserves.
Me: joe was with me when i bought all these notebooks too, and he was purchasing graph paper lined notebooks, so that’s probably how i mistakenly wound up with these. so i’m offering all of them to him.
the other thing that is irritating me, is that I own the entire Stories of Civilization Series, but they are not all of the same edition, and now that I no longer live in New York, I can’t regularly troll the Strand to find the copies I want in the proper edition, nor can I rely on Amazon.com used, because without an image, I can’t verify that its from the edition that I want.  This is proof of my growing insanity, I know.

Him: you’re going to end up like the collyer brothers
Me: your more of a hermit than i’ll ever be.                                                                                                                                                  Him: it’s ‘you’re’ and ‘you’re’ probably right.

Extremely Important Decisions, Problems Making Them

Me: if you were taking notes on shakespeare would you take them in blue ink or black ink?                                                   Him: you’re asking me this just to get a patronizing response aren’t you i haven’t cared about ink hue since i had one of those cool multi-color pens when i was 9

Me: NO I NEED AN ANSWER.i also have red and green ink, but i only have a couple of those and given my propensity for losing pens, I don’t want to start a project in one of those colors and then not be able to continue it because I lack the proper ink color for it.

Important Decisions, How To Make Them

Him: you know what’s a way superior method to worrying about things like this? flipping a coin.
Me: but then you have to decide which is head and which is tails. and then after you flip the coin you have to decide if you’re really going to go along with the results of the coin toss  

But Decisions Have Consequences

Me: All of these black pens are defective.

Him: More like you’re defective.                                                                                                                                                                      Me: No, really, they all are. I can’t write smoothly with them.

Him: also googlemail is advertising pens to me, and i think that’s definitely your fault.
Me: i’m getting ads for pens too. but i have pens! what i need are notebooks. i actually found a 10 pack of one subject five stars on amazon, but it just says “assorted” and colors not guarenteed, and there are 10 different colors and I want to make sure I’m getting 10 DIFFERENT ones
Him: i doubt you are getting 10 different ones, the five-star people don’t cater to ridiculous neurotics like yourself
Me: that’s why I’m not going to order them online. I will go to a store where I can safely pick out different colors myself.
Him: will they have all ten assorted colors, though?! anyway i am watching the spelling bee. because it is awesome
Me: I don’t know, it may take me awhile to find all 10 colors. Some are rarer than other.

Then he posed a grammar question to me, and we debated it for a minute, and he said “Well, we’ll keep this for now, but think about it.”

So I did. I also posed the question to the Libertarians, because the people there are equally dorky and it of course sparked a conversation about grammar-things. Which led to a conversation about how good grammar is an attractive quality and bad grammar is a Deal Breaker.

As for the grammar question itself, I came up with the right answer, and the evidence to back it up and I think my changes are being accepted.

Of course, in posting the question online, I managed to make a grammatical error because that’s how these things go.

And of course, grammar was a favorite topic between O-L-B and I. Of course.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/03/11/grammar-is-hot/feed/ 0 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/03/03/this-made-me-laugh/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2009/03/03/this-made-me-laugh/#comments Wed, 04 Mar 2009 02:42:41 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6030 This made me laugh more than it should have, because really, it wasn’t THAT funny:

What do Meaghan McCain and the ideal habitat of a sting ray have in common?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/02/meghan-mccain-overshares_n_171194.html

A. THEY’RE BOTH EXTREMELY SHALLOW.

I didn’t go to sleep until 1 AM, partially because I slept late on Sunday, and partially because a tiny part of me was hoping against hope for a snow day.

Woke up at 4am to see that the plows had already been by, and that it had stopped snowing, which completely killed any possibility.  Fell back asleep with a gnawing in my stomach.

Bleh. I feel like a 12 year old wishing for a snow day. Once you hit high school, snow days become a lot less fun.

I am one of two people in my office. Actually, there are a few more people here, based on cars in the parking lot, but I don’t see them anywhere. I’m walking around with no shoes, but I do that fairly frequently, so I can’t claim it’s because no one is here.

I used to like days in the office where no one was here, but now I”m just getting bored and cabin fever-y. I should be using this time productively, like to write, or to create the elaborate file system I’ve been planning on creating, or something other than mindlessly clicking through the same half a dozen websites, but motivation, I do not have it.

I’m going to get some lunch in a few minutes, because even though I have an extremely well stocked fridge at home, and even though I took my time this morning because I knew no one would be here, I still managed to not pack lunch. So hopefully the cafeteria in our office complex is open, because I really don’t feel like driving anywhere.

“Omg, Obama is SO hot!” (or variations on that) 

-every female ages 14 and up.

But the best overheard was this; I was on the Metro, coming into DC proper from Michael’s place. There was a guy, with his two daughters, who were probably a little bit younger than me.

The two of them are babbling back and forth, mentioning aforementioned hotness of Obama (which I kind of agree on) and then somehow segueing into how Obama has a man crush on Lincoln, given all his symbolic Lincoln things from his campaign.

So the father is like “What’s a man crush?”

And one of his daughters explains.

And he considers this for a moment, before saying in  a fairly deep Southern drawl “My only man crush is on Jesus Christ!”

It was basically impossible not to laugh.

Maybe you had to be there.

Dan: Yeah, those kids were cute. Yours and his would be cute too – Michelle would incinerate you.

Me: Probably. She is one tough woman. He will not be getting up to any Clinton-esque antics.

Dan: I got all choked up for her mom when they showed her in the audience. Ok, I didn’t choke up but I was touched.

Me: I find the whole thing way too touching. I actually choked up when he got the nomination and him and Michelle did that little “terrorist fist bump” thing. They are an adorable couple

Dan: What about the ice queen and her adorable veteran of the dwarf wars?

Me: Oh, screw them. I hate McCain.

Dan: Scary people. I’m afraid of what Ms. Clinton is gonna pull at this. Won’t be too spectacular, but you know her lap dogs are looking for crumbs.

Me: Yeah, she’s a bitter crazy bitch. I <3 Chelsea Clinton though.

Dan: Why?

Me: I have no idea, I just always have.