November needs to end, so I can stop writing about the first thing that comes into my head, and actually have a chance to write something decent.

I’ve been up for almost two hours, but I’m still groggy from the Benadryll, probably, even though I only took one. I don’t know how my body can handle a super powerful anti-anxiety drug that knocks me the hell out (I don’t take it every night) but can’t recover from Benadryll.

Writing about work on a blog that could be discovered is a surefire way to get yourself in trouble, so I will just say that it was a trying week and yesterday was a bad afternoon. I know where its coming from – everyone is dealing with unreasonable demands and ridiculous deadlines. It’s not going to get any better anytime soon though, so it doesn’t seem worth delving into.

I’ve given myself an assignment to get caught up on general foreign policy news this weekend, because my knowledge is general and out dated. On one hand – I work full time, and while I don’t have much else going on right now, the Libertarian Fellowship people don’t know that, so I think it should be understandable that I don’t have the same level of knowledge about current events as someone who works in the think tank field. On the other, logic is hardly ever a factor in these things, so I better study up.

I really hate having to say “the war on terror” when I talk about my interests, because everyone is sick of the war on terror. People were sick of the war on terror two and a half years ago when I was writing my thesis. I didn’t even want to GO there, but Carl Schmitt, that rapscallion, he made it impossible not to. And I think that my work, and the work that I want to do is valid, and relevant, and hell, even important, but using the phrase “war on terror” seems to cheapen it. It seems dated. But I don’t know what other name to give to the general, overall U.S. strategy/foreign policy stance(s) in the post-September 11th era (another reference that I am loathe to make. I don’t think the event should have changed out policies like it did, but that’s another rant altogether.)

My cat is curled up at the end of my bed, fast asleep. He seems to have the right idea.

I’ve started about 5 different blog entries today on 5 completely different trains of thought.

But the day was insane (mostly a good kind of insane, until the very end).

(Also I am annoyed at my rampant consumerism being foiled by Shipping Fail. I am more annoyed by this then I rightly should be, but I think it is compounded by the fact that Online Shopping is currently my only option and I do not have the luxury of simply driving 10 minutes to a indulge my inner Capitalist Fan Girl ((Also, WHERE IS MY LETTER, STATE OF NEW JERSEY))

So the day did not have my ideal end, but these are total bourgoise complaints, but it’s NaBloPoMo, so I can use this to fill up space.

The only thing on my mind is the Libertarian Fellowship. All I have been doing it reloading my email and angsting to my friends via email about it. I said to Brent yesterday “I really have nothing to say that isn’t obsessing over the libertarians. I am completely uninteresting in that respect. (waits for you to point out that this is actually in all respects)”

And that about sums it up.

Oh, and when I remember, I’m also worrying about the fact that I haven’t heard from the bureaucracy of the State of NJ regarding my license.

I am falling back into my old habit of not being able to accomplish anything else, think about anything else, etc, etc until that which I am worrying about is resolved. It’s an issue that I have been trying to work on for years, and I’ve gotten better, but this is a pretty big test of my patience and resolve and I am failing somewhat miserably.

At least my closet is clean. And my hair has looked good all week thanks to my new magic hair straightener. And I will soon have more clothes than I know what to do with (via my anxiety induced shopping spree). And I’m smashing my high scores on Wordtwist.

Still waiting for news, obviously, and the longer I don’t hear the less optimistic I am. There is no logic that I could introduce to the equation that would make me feel any better/more positive about this. It is not a rational thought process.

I am irritable. Truly, madly, deeply.

First, the ATM is still not working. Logic should dictate that I simply go to another ATM, but the whole “I can’t drive” thing sort of puts a damper on my freedom, even the freedom to merely search out an ATM.

Secondly, some new person in A/P is just inventing these new procedures/rules and totally screwing up my invoice processing. This should be a very, very simple task from start to finish, but there are constantly like, 87 new people involved, asking questions and making things complicated.

It’s also raining, so the bottom of my jeans are wet. And my crazy carpool lady cannot drive on Friday (after not driving yesterday) and she is going on and on about her dental issues and it’s like “Shut up lady, it’s 8:00 am, get over your teeth and drive the car.” And I could work overtime on Thursday due to a major quarterly project, but probably can’t do it because of driving situation.

There are four more weeks of this nonsense, but that’s if and only if the bureaucracy of the State of New Jersey has worked itself out correctly, and that is a big “If.”

And I have meetings I have to go to tonight and tomorrow night, and I woke up dreading the one tonight (and that’s the lesser of two evils one). I HATE, HATE, HATE the Wednesday one, to the point where walking out of there at 10:05 PM is the best part of my week because it means I don’t have to go back for another week. And since I’ve skipped the Tuesday one the past two weeks, I REALLY have to go, and it’s somehow harder to force myself to these things after an absence.

I know I say I just want to know about the phone interview one way or another (and I know all of you are entirely sick of hearing about this, but so is everyone else in my real life) but I’m going to be crushed if it’s a “no.” I’m going to be even more crushed if come Friday, I don’t hear anything because, as I mentioned yesterday, I won’t be able to stop myself from hoping about the off chance that I wound up in the wrong application pool. But seriously, if my application was so bad that I don’t even warrant a phone interview? Forget the 8% acceptance rate – I’m going to be crushed.

So when you combine this with the little irritating things, you have a Rachel who is not quite fit for human contact. And of course this is the week that I have to be a happy little worker bee at work because its quarterly report time!

For all my complaining lately that my 09-09-09 prediction/pact with Keith was not coming to fruition, today was a pretty lucky day.

I figured there was something wacky going on with jury service, because of the message last night, and there were probably 300 people there for jury duty. I don’t think this is the norm because there were definitely not enough seats in the juror room.

Anyway, I was getting really worried because the trials they were selecting for were all cases that were set to last for over a month  This would be really, really inconvenient, plus my company pays for a maximum of 3 days Jury Duty. Plus I actually like my job and have Things That Need To Get Done at my job, and being out 3 times a week for 2 months would be really, really annoying.

I tried for the “financial hardship” excuse because I think being forced to live on an extremely reduced salary for months should count. But I’m single and without dependents, so I didn’t meet the threshold.

So it was back to the jury pool, a lot of waiting, and a lot of anxiety. When my group was called down to the judges chambers my heart was pounding.

And then I heard what the case was about, and got really excited, because it was completely relevant to my line of work. The case itself was not something I would have anything more than a cursory understanding of, but I knew I could spin my job to make it look as if I would understand the intricacies of the dispute.

Turned out I didn’t need to. I got asked two questions regarding my occupation and as soon as the second answer was out of my mouth they dismissed me. I did not even have to exaggerate.

Now it’s back to work tomorrow, to worry away the rest of the week. I have a headache from reading all day, and also from reading on the bus home for over an hour. But I did get through 3 chicklit novels of varying awfulness, so there’s that.

I started a post last night about how I really didn’t want to go back to work and how I was having this Pavlonian-esque response to Labor Day. My stomach was in knots and I was filled with just this dread that one feels the night before school starts. And I liked school, for the most part!

But anyway, I didn’t finish it, because whining is unattractive and to save myself from future cringing and deleting, I stopped writing. Also, laziness.

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After having a screwy day on Monday, I was terrified when my boss called me into his office and shut the door yesterday afternoon. (Residual effect of The-Job-That-Wasn’t, I believe)

Then he posed a grammar question to me, and we debated it for a minute, and he said “Well, we’ll keep this for now, but think about it.”

So I did. I also posed the question to the Libertarians, because the people there are equally dorky and it of course sparked a conversation about grammar-things. Which led to a conversation about how good grammar is an attractive quality and bad grammar is a Deal Breaker.

As for the grammar question itself, I came up with the right answer, and the evidence to back it up and I think my changes are being accepted.

Of course, in posting the question online, I managed to make a grammatical error because that’s how these things go.

And of course, grammar was a favorite topic between O-L-B and I. Of course.

I didn’t stop for coffee this morning and therefore did not realize that I did not have my wallet until I got to work. Grrr. Not only do I desperately need caffeine, but it’s also annoying to not have my wallet – I’m going to have to borrow a couple dollars for lunch, because I don’t have food here.

I think I am buying my car this weekend. I will be glad to get it over with. Initially, I wasn’t going to buy until early May, but my hand was sort of forced to do so early. I am okay with that now – I think I am okay money wise, even with needed a new laptop. I think, anyway. I am not very good at budgeting.

I talked to Sarah, a girl I went to grad school with, briefly yesterday afternoon. I was telling her about my essay and bashing our preceptor. She still works at UChicago, so she is literally right down the hall from him, which is weird. The year at UChicago still feels like a dream to me at times.

Anyway, this is yet another entry that I’m writing, where I really have nothing to say, but I hope that by forcing myself into regular blogging, the brilliance will come back to me. If I ever had it to begin with.

I was just thinking today that I have become a very bad blogger. It also the case that everything I write seems to be a bit too angsty or TMI-y or emo for public consumption. How I wish blogging had been around when I was 16…

Actually,  given what I know about me at 16, that would not end well.

Shudder.

Anyway, I actually logged into my email and found a comment from an “Anonymous” asking me about what made me go to Hampshire, and bad college experiences in general. This could be a joke from one of my friends who has stumbled upon my blog and wants to roll their eyes at my spiel on the subject. 

Even if that’s the case, I could still probably write something up here, and probably should on the whole subject of “How College Was Not The Best Four Years of My Life, Because If Those Were The Best Four Years of My Life, I Should Just Die Now” especially now that I have survived a few years in grown-up world (And grad school) I was painfully, horribly shy in college.

And I’ll try to write something worthwhile on the subject soon. Or any subject.

Here’s the problem with unemployment.

You tell yourself, that since you have all this time, you’re going to get Stuff Done. You’re going to sort through those boxes of random junk. You’re going to organize your photo albums. You’re going to keep up with your journal. You’re going to have time to write, which is what you really want to do.

And then exactly none of that winds up happening and you still need a job, damnit, because bills won’t pay themselves!

I’m so bored. The office is quiet and empty due to a staff retreat. I think I’ve already annoyed Drew, David, and Kevin enough with my incessant messaging but I am so bored. And as my recent LiveJournal history shows, I have lost the ability to write. Not that I had it too much to begin with, but I at least used to be able to waste a good amount of time composing articulate entries.

This morning, I got up early and finally got my computer to the Apple Store. When I lived in Chicago, it was not an exaggeration to say that besides my apartment and office, I spent more time at the Apple Store than anywhere else in Chicago. Well, the stupid Macbook continues to be cursed. Luckily this time it was just a case of replacing the battery. The Apple Store on 5th Avenue is fairly insane. I was leaving at about 8:45 AM, and going up the stairs to get out was similar to fighting my way up a crowded subway station stairwell; there were that many people going into the store.

I don’t get it.

Actually, it should surprise actually no one that work is slow. Many companies have this week off. Nothing happens in the business world this week.

Unless, of course, you work for an Israeli-affiliated non-profit.

The end of the year puts me in even more of a reflective mood than usual (who? Me? Never!) Last week, I was thinking how indifferent I was to Christmas, and how I kind of miss liking the season. I don’t mean in the little kid excitement way, I mean in the genuinely good, warm feelings that followed me around during Christmas when I was a teenager. I don’t know why. (Quote Marianne’s ‘carolgram’ to me in 11th grade: “You can’t say no to love.”)

It wound up being a nice Christmas. I ran into Jon on the train back to Jersey on Saturday. My brother gave him a ride home and Jon called me into the house for a minute. Being inside his house brings back far too many memories. Anyway, he got me a Christmas gift (?) and was telling me the whole ride over not to be excited, because it was really small and dumb. He got me “Cheaters” on DVD, which of course caused me to throw my arms around him and shriek “Oh my god, I love it! It’s perfect!” about 30 times.

Sunday, the sibling and I started and finished our shopping in record time, because we are awesome like that. Monday was pseudo-intellectual-Neo-Victorian coffee with the sibling and then Christmas Eve with my aunt’s house, aka the side of the family that I can actually stand. Tuesday morning, I did gift exchange with the family and then my brother drove me back to Astoria.

It was a boring weekend, mostly, with enough restlessness to cause my mind to wander a lot, but it could have been worse. Tuesday night, I did some rearranging of furniture (I still have tons of unpacking and cleaning to do) ordered Indian food and, because my roommate was still gone, listened to my Carrie Underwood CD at top volume.

So I’ve been awake since way too ungodly an hour since I got up to get a drink of water and realized “oh. we apparently don’t have water.” Also still have to figure out how to get Emily her keys, considering she doesn’t know I have them in the first place, and I don’t have a cell phone (still.) Which means I don’t want to leave Hyde Park to attempt to get cell phone issue resolved because I’m relying on internets to communicate about keys.

I’m unneccesarily stressed and paranoid about all this cat sitting stuff. Like some guy was right behind me going into the building last night and I was very conscious of him walking up the stairs behind me and I was thinking “omg, what if he tries to rob me? What if he tries to make me open the apartment and then lets out the cat?!?” Even though there’s plenty of electronics that I’m sure would-be robber would care about way more than the cat. But I would save my own cat over a DVD player and now that I’m talking about it, I’m getting myself anxious about this actually happening.

I’m generally never worried about my personal safety, and like there’s these moments of panic here, its always a bit of relief to open the door and confirm that yes, cat is still alive and well. And now I’m all paranoid and anxious to go over there, but I have to wait until an acceptable hour to confirm the water problem isn’t just my apartment and find out if I need to let maintenence people in.

I still don’t feel good. Being that I always feel about 15 degrees hotter than it actually is, the heat and I are not getting along already. And not having water is just a good way to start the day, when all I want is a shower.

I am puttering about, waiting for my laundry to be done. Obviously I should have spent these hours reading/taking notes for my final but motivation level continues to rest at zeo. As Em aptly stated last night “Yeah, I should go home and read. But I’m sure there’s a Law & Order episode on somewhere.”

Yesterday, I indulged in some hardcore retail therapy. I got some much needed summer clothes and not-very-needed cute skirts. And then I bought a dress. A very pretty dress, but regardless, I am a soon-to-be-unemployed-poor-graduate-student who should not be spending that much money on a single article of clothing. But its pretty. Oh. And then there were cute shoes. Oops.

Tonight, there will be free food, both at our End of the Year gathering, and at the Social Sciences BBQ. After that shopping spree, I must take advantage. 

The sad thing is, tomorrow I have to get downtown to FINALLY FINALLY get my computer fixed, and I will likely buy a pair of flip-flops and maybe find some job interview clothes. What? My Express black pants are nearly 3 years old! I can’t go on a job interview in ratty looking pants. 

My laundry should be done in a few minutes, baring another laundry-disaster, and then I really need to get my ass to campus to get some real studying done before this evening.