Which, to be fair, I probably did (do?). Who knows. Anyway, the point of this, is that writing every day forces me to stop considering my audience. I HAVE to write this. Maybe if I do this for long enough I will stop subconsciously writing for all those pseudonymed exes.

This morning, I managed to go to the dentist. This is, sadly, a huge accomplishment,  both because it’s overcoming my fear and because it’s one of those things that you do when you’re a responsible adult. I have to go back in a week to get a cavity filled, but one cavity is certainly A LOT better than I was expecting.

On my Facebook feed, a girl I knew from high school had posted “RIP [Name].” The same name as this guy I went to high school and middle school with, who was a friend, a co-worker, and my date to the eighth grade dance. We’ve kept in touch on and off over the years, and give him credit for “corrupting” me (he always teased me for being a straight edge) and teaching me how to have a good time in NYC.

Before I could even react (it was literally a few seconds) I learned from the comments on her status, that it was not the same person. (He has a fairly common name). But I’ve still gone back to her status over and over, and re-read the comments, to make sure.

I don’t have anything else to say about that, but it happened and I felt I should mention it. A guy from my graduating class did die a few months ago. I didn’ t know him at all, but his last name came right before mine alphabetically, so he sat in front of me for the PSATs and laughed at my Dawson’s Creek reference. It is totally ridiculous, the things you remember.

 Anyway, I should write that cover letter that I asked you all about yesterday, and tweak my resume, so I can submit it tomorrow.

Ok, time to hit post.

My co-worker was teasing me about it, to which I shrugged and said “Residuals from my last job. It still gives me nightmares.” (Because more than two years later, it still does)

It seems I have not yet let go of NaBloPoMo, so I was thinking of extending it. How long, I don’t know. 100 days is a nice even number, but there’s the challenge of my vacation in mid-August.

Speaking of mid-August. There’s a gathering in St. Louis in August of people from Message Board of Note. The last time we had one of these was the much mentioned, disasterous Chicago trip. The weekend where everything that went wrong, did go wrong. (Through copicious fault on my own, and also because O-L-B was/is a total jackass).

So I don’t know if I should go to St. Louis. There’s going to be lots of drinking, probably, and I don’t know if I should be around that temptation. O-L-B isn’t going to be there (if he was, I would be 100% not going. The thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl) and neither will Ohio, so the potential for drama factor is low. But I still don’t know if it’s a good idea. Plus, it falls right at the end of my already planned family-friends vacation. In order to go, I’d have to leave Rhode Island a couple days ealier than intended. And while it’s not prohibitively expensive, I really should throw that money at paying off my car, if I’m going to enact A Plan by next February.

That’s a lot in the “con” column, lets talk about pros. Pro is that I would get to see Ellie, who I have not seen in way too long. Pro is that I would get to meet a few people in person who I have not already met. (Con: Minus Ellie, none of my most favorite people will be there.) Pro is that I would probably have fun once I got there, despite the seeming dread, and lord knows I could use  a little fun in my life.

I don’t know, so I’ m putting off the decision.

I really need to go back to the philosophy of One Day At A Time. When you immerse yourself in it, it is surprisingly effective. I didn’t know that before March 2009, but now I am a reluctant (if also forgetful) believer.

I have had “Half of my Heart” (John Mayer) stuck in my head for about a week now. And I only know the chorus.

I told Brent about my now Therapist Approved idea of quitting and moving to DC and how I have no idea of the timeline/cost/whatever involved. “Sounds like you need spreadsheets.” (I don’t LOVE spreadsheets, but they can be awesome in some capacities. I tried to keep a spreadsheet tracking my job applications, but it became too depressing, so as a result I have no idea exactly how many jobs I’ve applied to in the past 7 months.

I’m also considering sucking it up and paying to get a Federal Resume written. I have one, but clearly it sucks, and I hate KSAs more to the point where I just stopped applying for Federal jobs. And while I don’t really “want” a federal job there are dozens of high paying pseduo-admin positions. Now, I know that that’s exactly what I’m trying to escape, but it would get me to DC, and it would pay me well while I was trying to find something else. Federal resume writing is really, really expensive, so if anyone has any ideas about that, please let me know. The advice I’ve gotten thus far has been less than helpful.

It’s about 1000 degrees outside, so instead of using my day off productively (going to the gym, or going to purchase a new copy of Atlas Shrugged ((don’t ask)) or getting some plastic storage containers from Target in anticipation of moving sometime within the next year) I will probably just watch TV and maybe do some laundry. Again, I live an exciting life.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/05/boring-skip/feed/ 1 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/18/fortune-is-a-woman/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/06/18/fortune-is-a-woman/#comments Fri, 18 Jun 2010 14:20:53 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6894 I swear I had all these brilliant things to write about. I was constructing paragraphs on my way to work again. Of course, now that I’m in front of a computer screen, they’re all gone.

(Boston lost the NBA finals. Yay!)

I got a fortune cookie last night that said “You will move to a new home within a year.” First of all, it’s impressive that there was an actual FORTUNE (most of the time you just get little sayings or slogans) and second, yes I know it’s a fortune cookie, but…

I can’t help thinking of the last time I got a fortune cookie and scoffed. It was the night before I went back to school for senior year of college. I was so Not Happy then (even though in retrospect, my angst was almost entirely unwarranted) and I really didn’t want to go back up to school, even though it was only for one more semester. I just wanted to be done and leave college as a bad memory.

And then I got the fortune “a refreshing life change is in your future” and two months later things started to go and feel right again.

I know that there’s no correlation between the two, but when I saw the fortune yesterday “You will move to a new home within a year” I could not help but immediately internalize it, to think “see, here’s proof! It WILL get better! It’s going to happen.” Because I am pretty much desperate to feel genuinely optimistic and I’m having a really difficult time lately believing that anything will ever change.

And while a year is an awful long time to wait (I really wanted to be out of here by this summer) it would at least be an endpoint and a light at the end of the tunnel.

So I find myself sitting here, annoyed that there are never any new job postings on Fridays (or really Mondays too. What’s with the three day weeks HR people?), impatient to see if I’ll hear from this boy I may be trying to have coffee with, and thinking about the fortune.

And thinking please let it be true. Please let it be true.

I am going to actually LEAVE THE OFFICE during my lunch break, because I don’t know, fresh air, or some such nonsense. But it never fails: I go out (and while this is, in sum, likely healthier than sitting in front of the computer for that hour) and am so disappointed to return to an empty inbox.

(I really need to get a life) ((I KNOW THAT! THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO)) (I am talking to myself via parentheticals. Clearly progress is stalled)

Fact: I will never get a new job or a boyfriend.

And yes, I know that is entirely too fatalistic, and that if I were the type of blogger who had many readers, I would likely get a dozen comments about how that is not true. However, I will never, nor to I aspire to, be the type of blogger with a lot of readers (probaby because I have a bad attitude) and so when I make this statement, I am not fishing for comments but merely admitting to myself that that is what I feel (and fear). Putting it in words means that it is real, so I am loathe to do so, but there is it.

I am not supposed to fear; in fact, fear is supposed to be the enemy, the underlying source of all misery (that is what I have been told, over and over again). But it is there. I haven’t had one in person interview (other than the Libertarian fellowship) and in the past 6 months I’ve generally managed to be waiting on one possibility at almost all times. (It helped that one company took two months of interviewing to reject me). Now I am not waiting on any possibilities, I just have applications out that will not get responses. I am out of places to look. My network is quiet. I am back down to no leads, no prospects, and no hope.

As for boys, I haven’t been on a date in more than two years, if you can even call O-L-B a date, which is likely even more pathetic.

I’m going to go for a drive now, and try to resurrect the decent mood I was clinging on to this morning. Self pity is not a pretty color on me.

I’ve been unfocused and nervous and have all this anxiety that has no where to go. I tried channeling it into cover letters, but anxiety is the opposite of arrogance, so that was a lost cause.

Important Documents haven’t gotten to Important People (thanks UPS!), I haven’t started packing for the office move, (I’ve been ARCHIVING, there is a difference) and after a brief burst of attempted gym rattery, I’ve not been in a month. Now, it’s a popular notion that exercise is a good means to combat stress/anxiety. However, my anxiety is such that I can’t even stay still long enough to do a worthwhile amount of time on the treadmill. (Yes, I know I wouldn’t be “staying still” on the treadmill.  It’s the struggle to just do ONE task that’s driving me mad.)

This job is making me bitchy. I was just really impatient with  the UPS lady on the phone. There are so many piles and papers surrounding my desk that I don’t even know where to begin. I know the sooner I get done with these things the sooner I can have my sanity back, but it’s one of those paradox-like things and I just lost my train of though.

At this point, I should really just go home, but I’m paranoid about driving because my windshield was replaced and the guy was like “you have to wait an hour” (that was 90 minutes ago) and I don’t know what I think I’m achieving by waiting longer, especially since I’m going to go drive on Route 80 and risk getting my windshield re-smashed by another pesky rock.

I also like to write run on sentences.

Normally, I love an underdog story, but since I was already rooting for Duke, I found it amusing to watch the barrage of Facebook statuses about how Duke is evil, and Butler must win for the good of humanity. Apparently, hating Duke is like hating the Yankees. How educational!

It’s unseasonably warm here, which bodes unwell (for me) for summer. Last year, it rained for most of May and June and I think even into July. Sure it started to make me a little cranky, but I’ll take that over heat which makes me A LOT cranky. I suppose the positive to not being able to find a job in DC is that there’s no chance of me winding up down there for this summer. Looks like I won’t have to be taking the Metro in the sweltering heat. For all my love of city living and the ability to take public transportation everywhere, I must admit that it is nice to go from air conditioned office to car to air conditioned home. In New York it was always air conditioned office to sweltering subway station to 10 minutes walk to the apartment to unairconditioned 3rd floor room.

Bright side to everything, right? Plus there is no way I could commute in these 3 inch platform sandals. There’s walking and then there’s those really long ass escalators at certain DC stops, such as the one at Foggy Bottom (I think?), which is downright terrifying.

But I’m not moving to DC this summer. That is ok. This summer will be post-office move at work, and it should be nice, and maybe they’ll even let me work from home a few days (although with the traffic around here dies once the kids are out of school. So it’s not a hardship to commute.) Do you know what would really make my summer? Bon Jovi at Giant Stadium tickets. Anyone want to get them for me?

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/04/06/no-creative-post-title/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/28/life-in-list-form/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/28/life-in-list-form/#comments Sun, 28 Feb 2010 19:53:36 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6612 Good Things

(1) I worked from home on Thursday, because it was set to snow all day, and both my bosses have the attitude “It’s way more important for you to be safe than anything that’s going on in the office.” Sadly, many bosses do not have this attitude, so I appreciate it.

(2) The power went out on Thursday night and Friday, it was still snowing and I couldn’t get to work. And I obviously couldn’t work from home, because the power was out. My boss was totally understanding.

(3) I went to family friend’s house on Friday night, for dinner. They are my parent’s best friends and I grew up with their kids, and they are basically some of the best people in the world.

(4) I flirted with a Libertarian from Canada who I have never met IRL, and probably never will, on Facebook chat last night, for the second Saturday in a row. No, I have no shame. Why do you ask?

(5) I talked to Lisa last night about anniversaries, pathetic Saturday nights, and comparing yourself to people you graduated with. There is something truly comforting about the people who know all your flaws and still love you.

Not-So-Good-Things

(1) No power.

(2) A Research Associate application I put together could have been better. Why did I not do more quantitative research in grad school?

(3) General laziness.

More details to follow. Monday I’ll likely be very busy at work, due to not being in the office on Thursday/Friday, but after that I have to write about these things, and also how Jon Bon Jovi is one of the wisest men in the world.

I’m busy playing “hurry up and wait” with some things at work that are making me feel as if I don’t have it together and I’m not on top of things. I hate that. It is also causing me to be weirdly procrastinate-y with both stuff here and job applications stuff. Did I mention I’m tired and had nightmares about Jason Voorhees (of Friday the 13th fame) last night?

At least it’s Friday. I will try to restrain from whining/fretting about the laundry I have to do and the errands I must run and the gym I AM GOING TO GO TO DAMNIT (I have Milly now, as reinforcement). Of course, by informing you of that (alleged) restrain, I have in fact whined/fretted.

I want to see the movie Valentine’s Day, because it is supposed to be similar to Love, Actually. No one will see it with me, and I rarely go to the movie anyway, (In fact, the last thing I saw in the theaters was the Friday the 13th remake that came out last February – perhaps that’s why I have Jason Voorhees on the brain) but maybe I’ll just go by myself this weekend. Mm, movie popcorn with delicious artificial butter.

Speaking of movies, my Younger-Wiser-Sibling (who clearly has too much time on his hands. Oh to have the musicians lifestyle) started bombarding me with text messages/emails about the movie Armaggedon. Yes, the Bruce Willis movie about the giant asteroid. (I love that movie!) I have posted it below for my own entertainment. Perhaps, you too will find it funny (unlikely). More likely, you just think it is lunacy and don’t get why I am cracking up over it. If, however, it makes sense to you AND you think it’s funny, than you, are perhaps my soulmate/new best friend.

Deep Thoughts on Armaggedon (The Movie) – by Rachel’s Younger-Wiser-Sibling

I was watching armageddon and it struck me how the president of the USA was giving a speech to the entire world, and he said “I’m not the President, or the leader of a major country, but a citizen of the world”, and it was and odd thing to say given how amero-centric the response to the catastrophe was then I started thinking about how that blithe ignorance of the unilateral v. multinational split in american politics could only happen pre-9/11.

Also, the shuttles are named the Freedom and Independence — as if the asteroid is an evil threat to america — as opposed to something that is going to blow up the entire world.

It’s sort of like when Liv Tyler starts crying when they think that both shuttles blew up and everything failed — not because that means the world (her life and everyone else’s life included) is going to end in 12 hours but because that means Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis are dead.

For instance, what would Obama think about the way we responded to the asteroid, without even consulting other countries or asking the UN if it would be okay to use a nuke? I also assume that we were the only country who knew about it (aside from Russia, of course, but only because they were helping with refueling from the space station), and that they took great care to make sure that no other countries found out about that. I cannot imagine the EU being very happy to learn that the American government is hiding apocolyptic secrets from the rest of the world on the grounds that it ‘knows better’ than everyone else and all that

Also, I forgot to mention that the whole film was probably co-funded by the NASA lobby and the nuclear research/arms lobby.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/19/harry-the-clock-on-that-nine-foot-nuclear-weapon-is-ticking/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/16/blah-blah-blah/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/02/16/blah-blah-blah/#comments Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:46:40 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=6589 I wound up leaving work early on Thursday. I woke up on Friday for just long enough to send an “I’m sick” email and then slept the rest of the day. After an incredibly lazy weekend, I woke up on Monday feeling much better AND I didn’t have to work. So I went shopping. I’m so glad that George Washington* did important stuff like beating the British, because it meant 40% off at GAP. Of course, due to my refusal to try anything on while in store, I now have to go return most of what I bought, but I am still satisfied with my indulgences.

I also spent part of Monday fretting about all I had to do when I got back to work. This, as usual, proved unnecessary because I got everything done before lunch.  There is nothing of interest on the job posts front today. It’s frustrating that the position at Coveted-Organization is still posted and it’s tempting to just send in a second application. I’m fairly sure they use an automated screening system.

It is also frustrating that Libertarian-Fellowship is still accepting applications, which means they haven’t filled their slots, which adds more WTF-ery to my rejection.

In other news, I don’t care about the Olympics.  I have also been zoning out on politics/the news in general the past week or so. Not that there was much happening since THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CAN’T FUNCTION WHEN IT SNOWS**, but I really should pay more attention, in general. Especially if I’m going to actively participate in Campaign for Liberty. Which is unlikely, but you never know .

I’m just unmotivated. I really want to write about some of the day to day-ities of work, but blogging about work in anymore detail than I already do just seems like a bad idea. It isn’t that I’m doing anything wrong or that I want to complain about my boss,*** but airing frustrations about a job that pays, and pays you well in a public forum is  a bad idea.

I know having yesterday off should make for a “short week” but the slowness of today is a bad sign.

*Presidents Day is obviously in between Lincoln & Washington’s birthday, but I believe I heard some bit of trivia somewhere that the official federal holiday is Washington’s birthday.  I have not verified this at all because I am lazy

**I am okay with the federal government not functioning

***My boss is actually pretty awesome. Still, paranoia = healthy.

For now, I will just say:

…that even though I was at work until 8:00 PM on Friday night, waiting for Important Documents that didn’t show up…

…and even though I checked my work email about 100x today…

…and even though I got woken up by a work related phone call at an absurdly early hour…

…and even though, the past few weeks (really, since the holidays) work has been filled with crankiness…

This situation has made me once again absurdly grateful that it is taking place at my Current Job and not The-Job-That-Wasn’t.

Were the same situation playing out at The-Job-That-Wasn’t, well, first of all, I wouldn’t know how to handle it, because I wouldn’t have been given any information in the first place – I would have been expected to just do it all myself. But if this was happening at The-Job-That-Wasn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to eat or sleep this weekend, and my Former-Important-Boss definitely would NOT have been able to see any humor in the situation (because seriously? It’s Pieces of Paper that have to be signed by Important People. And we’re driving ourselves CRAZY over it. I mean, obviously there are reasons why this has to be done, but it’s not like life or death).

Instead, after being woken up at an absurdly early hour, I had coffee and did some reading. And checked my email. And then I went out for lunch and shopping and singing in my car. And tonight I broke out the Buffy DVDs (shut up) and also talked to Keithers. And yes, I checked my email about 100 times.

But I’m not afraid to walk into work on Monday morning and I won’t have to spend half the day with my head down, hiding my tears or terrified facial expressions. (Former-Important-Boss made me cry several times a week and towards the end all the stress and worry and horribleness had just built up and built up and it didn’t take much to set me off anyway.)

So although it seems strange to find gratitude in a ridiculous work situation, it’s there. Because I am capable of getting Important Documents signed, I’m having a decent weekend, and my boss isn’t going to make me cry on Monday morning.

And somehow, that never gets old.

I am apparently jealous of the alleged emotions of tv characters.

So, it’s back to work and I’m drinking tea instead of my second cup of coffee, because it’s the New Year and I really should cut back on my coffee consumption.  I’m debating job hunting tactics with David and catching up on my filing.  I was irritated by 8:30.  I have a to-do list for January that contains nothing difficult but already looks intimidating. I would really like to lose 10 pounds (at least) but that requires a gym and getting over my gym phobia.

Sigh. My wish for 2010 is to be more social, the fulfillment of which is severely limited by my current suburban-circumstances.

So I’m home with the cat and some coffee and my laptop and that’s about the extent of what I have planned for the entire day/evening.

Happy New Year Blogosphere.

I can’t believe it is December and that it is almost 2010. I know I say that every year. In some ways this is the opposite of 2007. In 2007, a lot of objectively good things happened. I finished my MA program early, like I had wanted to, I moved back to NYC, like I had wanted to, I got The-Job-That-Wasn’t, like I wanted to. And I was miserable, and it was a horrible year. This year some bad things have happened, and I have been cooped up in my parent’s house for most of it. Objectively, it’s been static. I’m no closer to a social life or a love life than I was at this time last year.

And while I wouldn’t call it a “good” year, it’s been a better year. Better than 2007 or 2008, certainly, which were the worst of years.  So that is certainly something.

But anyway, Michael finally arrived, we got delicious Indian food, walked down by the Brooklyn Bridge (at his request. It was ridiculously windy and also boots not meant for walking) and got coffee. We were already in Tribeca, so I decided to just find the WTC PATH station. It seems to have lost the spell of HWSNBN. However, I had also forgotten that the PATH weekend service has been cut even MORE if that were possibly. It’s incredibly inconvenient to get to Hoboken Train Station from WTC on a weekend. I hate the PATH.

Also, taking the train in/out of the city is the only time I buy semi-trashy magazines anymore because even though they are the exact same thing as when I was 16,  they keep me from throwing murderous gazes at parents who let their little children SHRIEK the entire train ride.