Yes, “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” was on as I drove out of the parking lot at work. No, I did not cue it up on my iPod. The universe is just amusing.

Thursday is my last day, and I keep catching myself doing things, with the frame of mind of “this will make my life easier in the future,” and then I realize, “Wait, no, I won’t be here.” Somehow, part of my brain thinks that this temp I’m training is just that; a temp, and that I’m going to have to come back and handle CLE forms and update benefit plan provisions.

I didn’t get to take a carload of stuff to DC this weekend, and this entire move has been riddled with set-backs and roadblocks, and it’s all very frustrating. I think the moving process is my least favorite thing ever. I just want to be settled. I keep thinking that I just have to make it until Saturday, but even then, we won’t have furniture yet. And then, my parents will be visiting the weekend of the 18th, and I would really just like to get through that first visit, because I know exactly how it will go, and I can’t relax until it’s done. Oh yeah, and there’s my first day of work on Tuesday. That should be interesting too.

I know all these thoughts are normal, as are the pangs of nostalgia I feel for everything about my soon-to-be-former job.

I want to speed through the next few days, so I can just get to DC and get settled. But I’m still not ready for this to be over. I guess I would never be ready. That’s where “look if you like, but you will have to leap” comes in. That you have to take a step before you’re ready; because if you wait to be ready, you’ll never take this step.

These past two days have been very, very long. Not bad, but draining. Interviewing people for your own job is a bizarre thing.

Going over “transition” things at work. My boss accusing me of being “mopey” (I am) and me getting far more emotional than one should be in the workplace (“I’m really sad I’m not going to be working for you anymore,”  I said. “Me too,” was the reply). At least I haven’t cried. (Yet. I was close today)

Hearing my co-workers and bosses say the nicest things about me. Having this attorney from one of our outside firms call ME directly to wish me luck, ask for my contact info, and tell me that if I ever need a job, to call her.

Discussing the interviewees, and at least a dozen times, teased “Or, you know, you could stay” (My boss has only offered that ten times. Ok, maybe twenty). A battle not to confuse nostalgia with doubt (“One starts with “N”, one starts with “D” Did you already forget how to file?”) Almost breaking down, because I don’t know if I’ll be good at my new job, and it’s so comfortable here, and maybe I don’t want to leave.

A half a dozen projects landing in my lap, with the request to finish before I leave. My reaction, which is annoyance, followed by defiance (“what’s he going to do if I don’t finish it? Fire me?), and then resignation that of course I’m going to do it, because I’m me.

My favorite co-worker’s epiphany (“How did I not notice”). Momentary denial,  a Donna Moss reference, and then later, “Yeah, how did you not notice?!?”

Wondering if I’ll get around to organizing the files in the top drawer. Forgetting to remind people of last minute things because there is so much on my mind, and not remembering until I’m at home tossing thoughts at the computer screen.

Already missing, and looking at it all with far too much nostalgia (it’s just a freaking job) because I am the most maudlin person on the planet. Sad, simply, because for all the lovely comments about how I’m irreplaceable (oh please. It’s just a job) this is far more irreplaceable.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/26/in-the-vaguest-of-terms/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/24/oh-hello/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/24/oh-hello/#comments Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:47:35 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=7309 A common theme in my blogging seems to be “I started a bunch of posts this week and didn’t finish any of them.” The topic and theme has been the same, but emotions have run gamut from angst to anxiety to excitement.

Anyway.

I don’t want to write about the mundane details of moving and preparing to move, and the stress that surrounds it. I already spend enough headspace on it.

For months I’ve been thinking that when I got to this place, I’d have so much to say. To the point where I even planned out what I was going to say. I had my Facebook status, annoucing this moment, picked out ages ago. There are songs I’ve been listening to for months, just waiting for them to be relevant. (Among them: Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson), Time of My Life (David Cook), I’m Movin’ On (Rascal Flatts), Better Things (Dar Williams). I am a planner, in perhaps the worst sense of the word.

And now, I have very little to say. I’m winding things down at work, and I have a proper amount of sadness about leaving, and I have thank you notes to write once I’m done for good. I’m trying not to confuse nostalgia with doubt.  My new job promises to be a step in the right direction, but I’m not particularly excited about it. It will be a job, and while I hate this phrase “it is what it is.” I can’t wait to move in with Keithers and decorate our apartment, but I hate the moving process possibly more than anything in the world.

What I keep repeating to myself is that this will all be okay in a month. If I can just make it through the next month without a breakdown, IT WILL BE OK. Of course, this “month” keeps getting extended, and by now, I should really say “If I can just make it through these next two weeks,” but I’ll split the difference and call it three. In three weeks, I will be in DC, will have been at my new job a week, and will, logistics willing, at least have a mattress.

Until then, I try to organize my desk, get instructions ready for whatever poor temp fills my place, and try not to have too many maudlin moments about how this job saved my life, and how I will miss the gratitude I associate with it.

So now I’m just waiting. I have to get a new phone before I leave. I’m on Verizon, and have an ancient LG phone that can talk and text and nothing else. I want a phone with a QWERTY keyboard and the ability to access email/facebook. I don’t even know the proper terminology for internet capable phones. 3G? Anyway, anyone have recommendations?

There’s a million other sundry things I need to do. I’m hyper, nervous, and impatient, and I expect to remain this way for at least the next month. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can calm down!

Vacation was…ok. There was, unfortunately, some stress involved, such as running around a tiny beach town, trying to find a) somewhere to print something from the internets b) a notary public c) a UPS/Fed-Ex store.

But now I’m back, and I have news. Originally, I was going to break this down into a few posts, and tell the tale of how this came to be, but really, I don’t have the patience. Maybe I’ll go back and write it just for myself at some point, but today, I’m back at work and I’m tired, and I have a ton to do, so without further delay:

I got a job in DC. I’m moving there in less than three weeks.

Yesterday, I met up with Jill-IAN and Drew in the city, for catching up, wandering around the West Village hating people, and getting delicious Mexican food by our old office. It was, of course, lovely to see both of them. I don’t think we’ll ever all be in the same city and same place in our lives ever again, which makes me a little sad, but we still have the ability to meet up once a year and to go on and on as if nothing has changed.

I know I’m 2/3rd through the 100 day challenge, but I may not be able to do it. In fact, I doubt I’ll be able to write much from up here. Right now, I’m stealing wireless from the neighbors, and I don’t know if I’ll be inclined to make the effort anyway.

Of course, now that I’ve said that, I’ll probably have a million brilliant things to write.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/07/consider-me-on-hiatus-for-7-days-maybe/feed/ 3 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/04/in-waiting/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/04/in-waiting/#comments Thu, 05 Aug 2010 03:03:41 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=7190 Ok, so the craziest week ever is about half over. I am back in Jersey, and all I will ask is that you cross your fingers for me. First, that I get the news I want, and second, that I get it in time. It went well. I don’t know what else to say about it. Everything else seems like it will just jinx things. I don’t want to get my hopes up (too late) and I’d like to say I won’t be disappointed, because this is still not an ideal, but I also know that I will.

Tomorrow, I’m supposed to have lunch with Caryn (my brother’s friend, who has become my friend too), and then tomorrow night is the last trivia night before Joe moves. And somewhere in there I need to do a lot of work at my actual job. Bummer.

I drove home tonight up the Parkway, and singing along to Meatloaf, because there is something very summer-y about that. I blame the summer of 1999.

This is all non-sequitor.

Says David: If you keep overthinking like this, you will wind up in a strait-jacket, drooling.

I convinced Joe to hang out for a little bit last night, which went a long way towards curing my crankiness over the fact that he’s leaving. Also, he knew I was cranky, because he was leaving, long before I did.

(Also, please someone stop me before I get into a political argument on Facebook. Someone posted some nonsense about “omg, they’re building a mosque at ground zero. That is spitting in the faces of all the people who died” I don’t have to tell any of you (I hope not, anyway) why this comment is ridiculous, but there is absolutely no point in arguing about it ON FACEBOOK. Now I’m angry.

One word is reverberating through my brain (I hate that word — reverberating — it’s just Too Much, but it’s the first word I put down): Act.

Act. Act. Act. Act. Act.

Stop sitting cross-legged on your bed, with bad TV on in the background, blogging about Some Days and Plans and The Future. Stop wasting your days mindlessly clicking through the internet at the your 9-5 – just because it’s Not So Bad, and is in fact Not Bad At All, doesn’t mean it isn’t suffocating you. Stop waiting for something to inspire you, to motivate you, to give you that final push. Why don’t you make like one of those cliched 20sb bloggers you have a tendency to roll your eyes at and inspire yourself. (Ironically of course…yeah…)

Act. Act. Act.

Oh, I know there’s all the reasons you can’t Act right now. You don’t have your ducks in a row just yet, little girl. You still have to pay off your car (…you know, you don’t NEED a car in DC. In fact, you don’t even WANT to have a car in DC. You could sell your car you know. People do it everyday) and there’s that big car insurance payment due in September (see the previous parenthesis) and you want to save up just a little bit more so you can feel safe. There’s still DUCKS, damnit. This sort of thing requires planning. You can’t just pick up and go. You can’t. These things take time, and you’ve been impatient from day one.

Act. Act. Act.

What would be best? Ok, I know your ideal. Your ideal is you suddenly (but finally) get something akin to a Dream Job. The Libertarian Fellowship, next year, for example. Or if that job you just spent three days crafting an application for wanted you, that would be one too. Or if that organization that the recruiter knew you’d be perfect for would offer up the position again, instead of listing it and then changing their mind. You want that, I know, so that when you tell your boss you’re leaving, you can at least show you’re leaving for Something. There’s no denying that when you quit PLI all those years ago, you really got off on the fact that you were leaving to go to one of the best schools in the country.

Would you be ok with leaving for just Another Job, if it’s a job in the city you want to be in? A job that may be one step closer to what you Really Want? Would that be ok with you, or would you rather just leave for no job at all, because then you at least look brave instead of settling. And is it settling to pick up and move for a job you won’t really care about, because it will get you to the city where you can network like hell and try to sneak into the job(s) you really want? (And also, stop projecting, because you don’t know anything yet)

You won’t know until you get there. Until you Act.

What’s it going to take for you to do that?

My most constant internal conflict as of late is whether to resign myself to the misery of defeat or indulge my slightly new age-y belief in the universe.  While I never realized it in my earlier years the choice IS entirely up to me. And why, you might wonder, would I consciously choose the former? It seemingly condemns myself to more despair.

There’s something to be said for resignation. It’s realistic. I’m 27 years old and all I’ve ever been is a glorified secretary. In eight months of job hunting I’ve had a few phone interviews and a few in person interviews, none of which have gone very well. I don’t have internship experience, connections, and I suck at networking (and don’t try as hard as I should.) The odds stack up and demotivate me further. What’s the point? Why should I do what feels so unnnatural?

There is an insanity in me though, one that nags at me when I’m blindly clicking through job listings and not applying to one of them. There is still the wily brand of hope that I have written about so many times here. It seems to be purely irrational to indulge in it. There is no reason at all to believe that things will get better, just because. The universe has proved itself to be completely random, and since I’m now of the opinion that I’ve used up a great deal of my good luck in my earlier years, there is no reason for me to just have faith that things will get better. I have been at this for nearly nine months. Getting interviews doesn’t make me any closer to getting to DC, anymore than one can be a little bit pregnant.

There is no reason for the madness of my hope, and yet I often find myself with it anyway. When I’m in my car, and my iPod shuffle hits the right song (lately, it’s been hiting Dar Williams “Better Things” quite often) it’s so easy to hope. It’s so easy to get in the state of mind where I think all this whining and angsting and waiting is both worth it, and happening for a reason, even though I believe that we assign reasons after the fact.

I don’t know which is better anymore.

And so we choose between reality & madness

It’s either sadness or euphoria.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/08/01/we-choose-between-reality-and-madness/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/30/give-right-into-the-blues/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/30/give-right-into-the-blues/#comments Fri, 30 Jul 2010 21:30:32 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=7134 I was in good spirits on the way to work this morning, but somewhere between my iced coffee and my inability to compose a blog post it became a very blah day. I am really tired, there’s a huge balance on both my credit cards, and my suit jacket is just going to have to make itself useful even without the dry cleaning.

There is a reason for all this, of course. I hope it’s worth it. That’s all I’ll say right now.

Why is today going so slow, and why am I so tired? I got a decent night’s sleep! I suppose one good night can’t make up for the past 10 days, and it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

There are no words for how insane next week is going to be. I’m trying not to think about it, because it’s going to be miserable, but if I can keep myself from thinking about it, and keep myself from dreading all the anxiety producing events, maybe it won’t be as bad.

One day at a time?

Nah! (I just emailed Brent: “I am going to hate the world until approximately this time next week.” And it’s true!

“Why stop there?” he asked.

Also a valid point. But I do like my dose of new age-y optimism that I am sometimes able to maintain. I just can’t fake it till I make it in the next seven days. I’m already exhausted.

Why fight it? Some days, it’s just not worth the effort.

I am currently sitting in the reception area of my office, waiting for the UPS guy to show up. I’m babysitting the stack of boxes, containing the Important Books for Important Quarterly Meeting, that can’t be left unattended.

I just realized I haven’t eaten anything today.  It was a fairly frentic day, and yesterday was busy too, and I have so much to do tomorrow, and I’m tired, and whine.

]]> http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/29/while-i-babysit-inanimate-objects/feed/ 2 http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/28/powerless/ http://rachelnotrebecca.com/2010/07/28/powerless/#comments Wed, 28 Jul 2010 08:55:08 +0000 Rachel Not Rebecca http://rachelnotrebecca.com/?p=7122 I think that I’ve used up every bit of good luck and perfect timing that one is granted in a life time.

There was PLI, the job that I originally didn’t get, and then did get, and it was through there that I met everyone important for my rockstar year in the city.

There was the time I had to move out of my Astoria apartment, and a livejournal friend was moving into the city, and the timing was just Worked Out.

There was the eight and a half months of not driving, and stressing over rides, and while there were some bad days, for the most part, it just worked out, right when it needed to.

Hell, if you want to go even further back, I can name at least half a dozen moments and coincidences that gave me many bits of charmed life.

I have been very lucky.

Now, Keithers is scouring DC for an apartment for his second year at Georgetown, when the two of us thought that for sure, by now, we’d be able to look for a two bedroom together, but I’m no closer to a job than I was when we first start talking about this potential plan.

Now, I have an idea of A Plan, but no firm idea about the timing, and the ideas swirl around in my head and I can’t decide what to do, and every decision seems like the wrong one, because it leaves me here for another six months, at least, and I don’t know if I can do that. I mean, of course I CAN do that but it seems more and more daunting every day. And again, I wish all the jobs in DC could be in NYC. That would make things easier. (While I’m wishing for things I can’t have, I may as well go all the way)

Things are not bad now, in the grand scheme of things and all. But the little hits add up, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t control HR people canceling interviews I’ve specifically traveled to town for. I can’t change that one of my best friends is moving across the country. I can’t make there be more job postings. I can’t  help that the Cute-Shy-Boy couldn’t even be bothered after an awkward first date to say “no thanks,” to a second. I can’t control my first reactions to any of these things, but I can control my second thoughts, and despite the amount of whining and angst that appears in this space, I’ve been handling it remarkably well (I think). There’s room for improvement of course, but I think I have done well without sinking down into complete despair.

But it’s getting harder. I am still fighting the ennui (in fact, sometimes I am so far into my new-agey belief in the universe that the side of me that’s writing this would call that side delusional) but I’m starting to wonder: at what point do you just give up and concede that it’s just not going to work out as you hoped or planned, and that there’s nothing you can do about it? At what point do you admit defeat?

And then, what do you do next?

Which, to be fair, I probably did (do?). Who knows. Anyway, the point of this, is that writing every day forces me to stop considering my audience. I HAVE to write this. Maybe if I do this for long enough I will stop subconsciously writing for all those pseudonymed exes.

On my Facebook feed, a girl I knew from high school had posted “RIP [Name].” The same name as this guy I went to high school and middle school with, who was a friend, a co-worker, and my date to the eighth grade dance. We’ve kept in touch on and off over the years, and give him credit for “corrupting” me (he always teased me for being a straight edge) and teaching me how to have a good time in NYC.

Before I could even react (it was literally a few seconds) I learned from the comments on her status, that it was not the same person. (He has a fairly common name). But I’ve still gone back to her status over and over, and re-read the comments, to make sure.

I don’t have anything else to say about that, but it happened and I felt I should mention it. A guy from my graduating class did die a few months ago. I didn’ t know him at all, but his last name came right before mine alphabetically, so he sat in front of me for the PSATs and laughed at my Dawson’s Creek reference. It is totally ridiculous, the things you remember.

 Anyway, I should write that cover letter that I asked you all about yesterday, and tweak my resume, so I can submit it tomorrow.

Ok, time to hit post.

The problem is that when I actually care about the job I’m applying for I obsess (overthink?) the application, spend possibly way too much time on it, and often wind up giving up and not applying. How do you explain in a job application that you just see these ideas as fundamentally right and that you want to put every ounce of your energy behind them? How do you strike the right balance between professionalism (these are my qualities: and look! they match the job requirements perfectly) and passion (my god I will answer phones, I will make coffee, I will make copies, I will DO ANYTHING just to work for this type of organization)?

Juding by the number of responses, my applications often fall short.

Right now, I just wrote two paragraphs about how I came to my libertarian ideas, (an EXTREME CliffNotes version)

My passion for free market and liberty oriented ideas was not ignited in the traditional manner of being exposed to the great works of Hayek and Friedman. That came later. While a college student, I listened to my fellow students advocate for ideas that involved government “solutionss” and referenced “the public good.” I disagreed with them, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. Then, in “Contemporary American Conservatism” I read Charles Murray’s “What It Means To Be A Libertarian,” and it clicked.

In the classroom, I became very well-educated in what I didn’t believe in. In small reading groups, in internet forums, and in volunteer work, I became very well educated in what I did believe in; that is that a free market society with an absence of government intrusion is the best atmosphere for the continuing advancement of humankind.

And now I must debate whether that should go in the letter.