Dear Hiring Manager

I am writing this likely vain attempt at getting your attention in the hope of landing an interview for the open Rachel position that you have kindly termed “Job Title” in the public job advertisement that the law requires you to post. As I am me, one might think an interview to be myself would be a mortal lock. However, having been myself as long I have, I’ve learned not to take such things for granted. You might look at my advanced degree and my years of work experience and think that I am overqualified, and of course, this is true; I am overqualified to be myself. At this point in my life, I should have advanced to a much higher position. But things do not always go as planned, and thus, it is fortuitous that your organization is in need of a Rachel, because I am perfect for the position.

My qualities are as follows:  I’m a perfect match for the position in both experience and attributes. I have a Masters from the University of Chicago, where I focused on International relations. This means I can hold my own in foreign policy debates among intellectuals for whom nuclear proliferation theory and the security dilemma are more important than breathing. Actually, no one cares about the security dilemma anymore, but more importantly, I know that no one cares about the security dilemma anymore.  My Master’s thesis was a brilliant critique of U.S. strategy in the “war on terror” through the lens of political theorist Carl Schmitt, and you should forgive the fact that I referenced the “war on terror,” because hating on researchers who use the term is so 2006.

In addition to my pretentious academic background, I have also spent many years working for lawyers. This alone should be enough to inform you of my talents, but in case you have never had the pleasure of devoting your time to attorneys, it means I can simultaneously schedule meetings, answer emails, and perform ad hoc research, as well as anything you wouldn’t think to list in a job description or a resume but must nevertheless be done, and be done yesterday. Since I have many years of experience in being me, and doing just that, I will be a natural in the role at your organization. Since whoever fills the Rachel role will report to Important Guy, and I know Important Guy is a detail-oriented guy, I should tell you that my current boss will vouch for the fact that I am neurotic, deadline-oriented, and anal about the distinction between “that” and “which.”

I have an aptitude for research, can write quite well, and am generally regarded as intelligent and funny by most of my current and former co-workers. I’m helpful and efficient, and the type of assistant you come to rely on, then find indispensable, and inevitably take for granted (because you forget what it’s like to have an assistant who only has a Bachelors degree. My boss’s last assistant, for example, did not research the changes to the I-9 Form and create a presentation to train Human Resources. Of course, she was two years too early, but nonetheless, and I am clearly capable of applying the same acumen to research on nuclear Iran, U.S. strategy in Afghanistan, and any other question you can’t possibly imagine, but will inevitably come up.). Additionally, when you start to take me for granted, I’ll let it slide because I’m generally non-confrontational.

Most importantly, I  figure things out on my own that other people spend years of study to learn, and do so with nearly no advance notice, and certainly no personal benefit.  I am, in short, everything that you’d be looking for in me.

I’m sure that you find several resumes from those who say they can be Rachel. These people may list more impressive credentials and you may wonder why the position was not named for them. I can only say that such a person is not Rachel, and if you did hire him or her, you would find yourself listing this same position at an intern level, in hopes of covering the flaws of this person you hired to be Me. And I really can’t afford to live on an intern’s non-salary, so you should really just hire me to be myself.

Since I don’t really expect a reply from you, I would like to close with a question that puzzled me for my working years.  The question is, “Why would you ask for 3-5 years experience for an entry level job?”

Regards,

Rachel