It feels like a break-up. That’s the closest emotion I can conjure up. When you go through a break-up, you have the immediate, initial reaction of tears, and then you pull yourself together, and then you freak out about feeling somewhat okay, because things are not okay.

I am wearing old jeans and a sweatshirt that technically belongs to an ex-boy. My hair is a mess and I’ve made no attempt to tame it. And right now, I don’t care.

There is part of me that is devastated. After all the awfulness of 2011, this job appeared in December (within walking distance of home, no less!) and suddenly everything made sense. I moved to DC in September 2010 for a job that didn’t work out, for a life that didn’t work out, and since everything happens for a reason, all that happened because this magical living opportunity was going to land on my lap, because this magical job situation was going to land on my lap.

There is a part of me, however delusional, that this happened for a reason too.

An answer to a clue of jeopardy reminded me of a song I haven’t listened to in forever (“I’m Movin On, by Rascall Flatts). I remember listening to that song over and over again in December of 2004, right before I finished college. This was after a fairly difficult year, when things were finally working out.

There’s a line “I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness.” and “I know there’s no guarentees, but I’m not alone.” If I know nothing else, I know this: I have the best friends and family that anyone could ask for. And that I have had moments in my life where I felt devastated, as if nothing would ever be okay ever again, and there were certainly times when I felt worse than this.

And as delusional as it sounds, something is going to come out of this. This.Is.Not.Over.

(and to those of you who have been putting up with me since Wednesday, I am so grateful to you. I know I say it all the time, but you are all amazing)