You can skip this entire post. Job hunting angst. Lots of whine.

I was whining to my friend Michael last night about the job search and he gave me a smack down that I probably had coming to me. He pointed out that I have a job, a car, and savings and that living at home is not a bad situation.

This I know. He also pushed on “you need to find resources and use them.” Which I am not good at doing. Especially since I have no resources to start from. Which is probably why I am 27 and answering someone else’s phone.

I keep reading posts lately along the lines of ‘what would you do if you had nothing to fear and/or could not fail’ and how, if you want something you need to figure out what you need to do in order to get it, and START DOING THOSE THINGS.

Maybe this is the problem: I don’t know exactly what I want. I know I want to live in the city (or a city) again. I know I don’t want to answer someone’s phones (although I would likely happily accept an admin position if it were at the type of organization I want to work at long-term). But I don’t know who to talk to, or how to “network” or how to fearlessly go about pursuing my dreams because I don’t have a dream, not exactly.

It’d be too extreme to claim that I don’t want anything (because clearly, I want to get out of Jersey, and I want to live in a city, and I want to have a life again) but I think in a way I’ve always been directionless. I didn’t have a “dream school” when it was college applications time. (And I felt pressured to have a dream school; so I picked Hampshire, and we all know how well that worked out.) I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation, I just knew I wanted to get the hell out of college. (So I graduated early and moved to the city. For a boy). I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. (So I went to grad school, claiming I wanted a PhD.)

I don’t know. And all those tricks, all those multiple choice tests that are supposed to reveal your perfect career to you are not helpful, at all. There are various things I am interested in and various paths I could take. However, I need to get a job along one of those paths before I can determine how I can be successful there. All I know is that I’m in legal and I don’t want to be in legal.I don’t want to go to law school. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t even want to be a paralegal, although I will do that in DC to get me there, if I need to. (I just don’t think it would be particularly helpful)

I don’t know. I didn’t say anything to Michael, but his approach to me was completely unhelpful and just made me feel worse and MORE hopeless about the situation, because all the things he was telling me to do aren’t really relevant to my situation. Sure, the natural response to that may be to MAKE them relevant, but they’re just…not. I AM doing things; not the things that he would have me do, but I am doing things, lots of different things, but there’s only so much you can do. There are just not jobs. And I’m still here and not DC, which severely limits the networking possibilities.

I really want to buy into the idea that it is always darkest just before dawn and all that, because while I’m not quite at the end of my rope, I think I’m getting there faster than I would have liked.