This is a rambling, going-nowhere entry about boys

I woke up groggy this morning, from a dream about the boy that I wrote about Just In Case. (Mind out of gutters people, we’re talking strictly G-rated, because apparently I am boring, even in dreams). The more he crosses my mind, the more evidence I have that nothing is going to happen. Things only seem to happen (to me, anyway) when I’m not expecting it.

Take HWSNBN. I had a crush on him all through sophomore year of college. I even managed to embarrass myself with the ridiculous nature of my crush. When junior year started, I vowed that I would not let him get to me. Of course, he showed up in one of my classes, and for whatever reason HE had started looking at me. I felt his eyes on me all the time.

When an (at the time) important political debate raged on campus, and I was on the “Republican” side, he listened to me rant to one of the few reasonable “liberals” one day after class. B, the liberal in question, admired my candor, hugging me after I finished my rant, and saying to HWSNBN “I love this girl.”

“I know, isn’t she great?”

I remember freezing for a milisecond, and thinking that I wish he thought so. We had a few other conversations that semester, including the last night when we were out with our professor and a few other people. And then the next semester he woud up in one of my classes. And then one night I skippd a Model UN meeting to go out with him and a bunch of people from class. And the rest if history.

Writing it down like that, I guess in hindsight (which is not 20-20) it seems calculating – I did manage to show up where I knew he would be and all the other minorly stalkerish things you do when you have a crush on someone in college. (Oh and did I mention I had a boyfriend at the time? That makes my incurable crush even more messed up). But at the time, I had learned so many times that my feelings were not returned that I had not only resigned myself to nothing happeneng, I couldn’t picture anything happening in the first place (so much for self esteem).

And then it did. And the first night he kissed me, when we were sitting on the couch in my living room and he said “You’re beautiful,” I melted. I was giddy, giggly, inconsoulably cheerful and it wasn’t just the THC. God I had wanted that boy. To this day, that first kiss remains one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me.

So this presents a multifaceted problem. For one, I am almost incapable of NOT projecting, because I never though HWSNBN would ever notice me, but he did finally (and I have other stories of other boys in similar stories) and so I automatically want the same thing to happen with Just-In-Case boy, and I’m impatient as all hell and so I want to do things to speed up the process, and in doing so, eliminate the possibility for anything to happen.

I’m going to stop here for now, because this stopped making sense at least a paragraph ago.