This occurred to this week, when a friend from Missouri announced he would be in NYC for a couple days, and did “we” want to get together. The “we” included a couple other guys who our mutual friends of Missouri and I. One of those guys is OLB.

To say OLB and I dated would be stretching it, but we had some sort of “thing” going from last Thanksgiving, tapering off in April, and finally ending for good with the disaster that was Chicago in July. (I’ll write about that weekend one day, I promise). I have not seen him or talked to him since then, and this is without a doubt for the better. He is a trigger for me.

The thing is, I don’t even like OLB anymore — in fact there are quite a few things about him that I actively dislike. For one, he’s a total tool. For another, he was a jerk to me. (Even though my actions in the situations prove I was certainly no prize, several people have pointed out to me that he acted like a jackass) But I have also say, that if his hand were to so much brush against my arm I would be done. Finished. Weak in the knees.

So when I got the message that Missouri-friend would be in town my first thought was “I absolutely cannot go if OLB is going to be there.” And of course, OLB got the first response in “Yeah, lets do something when Missouri is in town.” (this was addressed to the group and not anyone in particular)

It would be absolutely unhealthy for me to see OLB. My bad habit would be to go to crazy lengths to justify why it was okay for me to go, to steel myself up for the event, and pretend that I was going to be okay being around him. And then when I didn’t get the reaction I secretly wanted, I’d be angry, and then I’d probably go home and cry and have an emotional hangover from the whole thing. So better to just not go, and avoid the drama.

I’m annoyed with this, somewhat. I emailed Missouri to let him know what was going on. He was understanding when I said I didn’t want to be around OLB, but I can’t help feeling as if he’s choosing OLB over me. He sort of knows what happened between us, but he doesn’t know the details, which makes me tempted to email back and say “If you really knew what he was like you wouldn’t want to be around him.” But I know that’s just being more dramatic and making myself look worse, because I already feel like I’m being viewed as this immature drama queen who can’t suck it up and spend a few hours around her ex-non-boyfriend.

I hate that, because that – what other people think – is out of my control. I want to say that this isn’t my choice, but it is. I may be doing this – avoiding this gathering – out of strict necessity, but it is still MY choice not to attend, even though it is OLB’s actions that have put me in a position where I can’t be around him and be emotionally healthy. It doesn’t seem fair, that he can do all that to me, and get away scoot free. It doesn’t seem fair that I should have to skip out on seeing a friend, when he’s the one who hurt me. It doesn’t seem fair that, while it is my (healthy) choice not to go, I feel as if he took the power of choice away from me when he responded to Missouri first.