It’s a beautiful day. Don’t let it get away.
Besides my distrust/discomfort with perfectly weathered days such as this one, I’m afraid I also have to ignore Bono’s plantative suggestion because I am spending the whole day inside with my fascist boyfriend. It’s not as enjoyable as it sounds. I DO have on a very pretty colored tank top — it’s all about the little things. Plus, I need to look really cute to make up for the fact that I’m Jewish — my fascist boyfriend lets that go because I have a German last name, and lets face it, how many other chicks are going to defend him. Oh wow — way too close to my MO for comfort, anyway, back to the real purpose of this entry: procrastination!
With all that’s going on its very likely I’ll spend the next two weeks being rather bipolar, because already its like one minute I think my thesis is great and its going to work out and no problem, the next I’m like “How can I possibly understand Carl Schmitt when half of what he’s written hasn’t been translated from German (and thus, half the commentaries are in another language) and how can I think I can apply him in this manner when almost every other scholar on Schmitt would say my thesis is crazy, including my advisor. And my advisor is a GENIUS on the subject and sometimes I suspect that he thinks I”m a complete moron!” (My advisor thinks I have a well structured argument, and at one point even described it as “provacative” but he does disagree with it.)
Other than those moments of abject panic though, I’m pretty much okay. I’m excited that I’ll have my thesis in before my birthday, and an MA in my hand less than 3 weeks after I turn 24. 24 sounds both very old and very young to me. This isn’t where I imagined I’d be at 24, even when I was 20 I would never have predicted this particular future; I feel old because when I’m bored, I do a myspace search on high school classmates and so many of them are engaged/married. Or I feel old because I knew I was going to go to grad school, so I got a job instead of starting a “career” after college, and now in some ways I feel two years behind my college classmates. On the other hand when I lived in New York, most of my acquintences through Astorians, LC, etc were 5-10 years older than me; I believe I was the baby of the Astorians. So it’s like, I still have all this time. I don’t see myself “settled” anytime soon,
I’m still torn on the future; part of me wants a PhD. Part of me thinks I’d be miserable. The part of me that wants a PhD is also torn; do I want to apply this fall for PhD admission in Fall 08′? Or do I want to spend a couple years in the real world, do something else because academia/anticipating academia? If I get my PhD, I’d like to have it before I’m 35. I don’t know. I’d also like to live somewhere/do something for longer than a year. I’m sick of moving. I’m sick of not being settled. But on the other hand, a PhD program WOULD settle me someplace for 6 years, at least. And yet I am remarkably without ennui. I don’t have a Plan, I just have a startiling amount of confidence that I’ll figure it out.
Being able to write something happy is nice. And now that that exercise of procrastination is complete I’m going to go enjoy the nice walk home, do some minor cleaning on my disaster of an apartment, and read up on what my legal theorists have been saying about my boyfriend lately.
