The fretting starts sometime after the Ides of March. Some years its intense. Some years I get off pretty easy.  But no matter what’s actually going on in my life, it’s this-time-of-year, and perfect weather while walking to campus (last Monday) ties my stomach in knots. A melancholy song on my iPod (Motorcycle Drive-By) makes me fucking depressed, and the shuffle brings up a number of songs that just contribute to the maliase (I keep listening because once I’m in a mood I may as well indulge it, the better to snap out of it.) I use my Thunder Road icon, because it reminds me of this-time-of-year, 2004, and drives through the North Country.

It’s this-time-of-year, and although the past three years I have celebrated on May 1st in a variety of lovely ways, this year I will celebrate on May 4th, because that is when the final draft of my thesis is due. And quite frankly, this year I’m getting off easy; for the most part, I’m too wrapped up in Carl Schmitt to wait for the other shoe to drop, and then really, there IS no other shoe to drop, if that makes sense. Jill and I talked about this last May, when she was essentially waiting for the other shoe to drop with her girlfriend. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but suddenly things were off; listening Jill describe the torture of waiting for a phone call, of trying to talk to her, of how she got off the phone without saying ‘I love you’ I could only empathize. I’ve been there, and knowing something was coming was torture. Of course in hindsight you can go back and see all the signs and the things that no, it didn’t just come out of nowhere, but when you’re walking around feeling sick to your stomach with the anticipation of a broken heart, you have blinders on.

And while I know there have been times in my life when I have felt like that, it’s far enough away that I don’t remember what that feels like. So I’m getting off easy this year.

I haven’t been writing, because I have nothing to say. My life is boring. I work on my thesis. I go to work. I work on my thesis. I watch Law & Order while trying to read Nomos just one more time, to make sure I’ve got it down. I am basically incapable of talking about anything except my thesis. Today, some things clicked, and so my rough draft SHOULD be in good shape, I just have to put the re-writes together. The only thing nagging on me right now is some issues with “approval” and I won’t go into that in public entries because I don’t want to mention anything too specific to my program, because I am paranoid. Suffice to say, its very…amusing…looking back at some of my self-righteous behavior and rolling my eyes at how overly defensive I was being. At least, despite the fact that I can’t give up my habit of quoting scary-relevant-lyrics, I”ve matured. Or at least, I’m more honest.

I’m going to graduate in June. It’s not even going to kill me.