I’m happy to report the revival of my cellphone!

And I’m reposting this, because it needs to be said again, even though I only posted it a month ago.

Innumerable times I’ve chosen to be unkind because I felt I had the right; I had been done wrong and it was my privilege. To forgive and forget, it seemed, would be to deny myself justice. I had earned myself the right to act like a bitch, or a bully.

And occasionally I think about the people who I wronged in return, and now I wonder where and how they are – if we’d stayed friends, if I’d only remained hurt instead of self-righteous. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to wonder.

I’m only now learning to recognize the warning signs, to consider how I affect people as well as how they affect me. To explore the other side of forgiveness, and hope that others forgive my crazy behavior.

This is all partly coming out because of an argument I had with the ex-ex-ex-boyfriend last week that was probably caused by both of us taking! It! Personally! And thinking we had right to a degree of sulk. The way we fight hasn’t changed and afterwards I just feel dumb because its just not worth it. Too many arguments stumble over semantics and minutia and just go in circles, and for what? Just because someone hurts you doesn’t mean you should engage in the process of trying to hurt them back; it seems like a way to get justice in theory, but in practice it just makes you feel awful.

You have to pick your battles, and learning how to be okay with “losing” has been one of the most important growing up lessons I’ve learned in the past couple of years. This doesn’t prevent you from suffering from blows to your pride, but they don’t have to be devastating. I used to pride myself on my stubbornness – but there’s a difference between strong-willed and just plain obstinate. Refusing to back down when you think you’re right can be well and good, but there are definitely times when it isn’t worth it to act like a bully for the sake of being right.

I’m slowly starting to realize that being nice and behaving well is the only option for me, because it’s the only thing I don’t regret. Even if you are entitled to slap someone in the face, it doesn’t mean it won’t be fretted over for years to come. You have to think about the reprecutions before you let your hand fly.

I have to ease up on this, though. There is always a chance to start over with a clean slate, and focusing on the mistakes of yesterday only breeds discontentment and self-loathing. And so (I hope) I’m starting to learn. Again
.